Interfaith couples, too many holiday. How do you tell people "no".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We celebrate Xmas with my family.
Thanksgiving we alternate every other year.
We celebrate RH and YK with DH's family.

Really, I would like to host Hanukkah at our house but it doesn't always work out.

Are you traveling for all holidays? If so, would it help you to pick one and say you're hosting it and anyone is welcome to visit?

Sorry it looks like you're hosting, so reverse of my family. I think it's ok to say I can only host X and Y, and if anyone else wants to host Z let us know. ??

Was the first post OP? I didn’t get that impression... OP, could you clarify?

Sorry any confusion but none of this here was OP. It's me - and FTR I meant to say we do RH and Passover with my DH's family and not YK. We do that one ourselves.

OP: how many holidays are we talking about here? what months? do they all have to be celebrated at your house?

All the Jewish ones, and all the Christian ones. And Thanksgiving.

Which ones do you WANT to host, and which ones are you looking to stop hosting?

[Anonymous]

^^ Do you join a synagogue? We do, and they host one night of a seder there. You could attend that and invite any family who wants to attend with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We celebrate Xmas with my family.
Thanksgiving we alternate every other year.
We celebrate RH and YK with DH's family.

Really, I would like to host Hanukkah at our house but it doesn't always work out.

Are you traveling for all holidays? If so, would it help you to pick one and say you're hosting it and anyone is welcome to visit?

Sorry it looks like you're hosting, so reverse of my family. I think it's ok to say I can only host X and Y, and if anyone else wants to host Z let us know. ??

Was the first post OP? I didn’t get that impression... OP, could you clarify?

Sorry any confusion but none of this here was OP. It's me - and FTR I meant to say we do RH and Passover with my DH's family and not YK. We do that one ourselves.

OP: how many holidays are we talking about here? what months? do they all have to be celebrated at your house?

All the Jewish ones, and all the Christian ones. And Thanksgiving.

It sounds like it's time for you and your husband to revisit the conversation about what your interfaith family will look like. Is it important for each of you to celebrate everything? Or has it become more important because the kids are also celebrating the other religion?

In most interfaith families, what this looks like is one religion is celebrated fully, and the other is not. And the one that is celebrated fully is the one that the parent (usually mom) celebrates. Since you say your children are also your faith, why are you celebrating all the holidays of both faiths in your home? It would make more sense to go all out for the holidays of the religion you chose for your children, and do smaller events/rituals/activities for the other holidays. Or, to celebrate those holidays at the house of the grandparents who are that faith.

Is your husband rethinking the idea that the kids will be raised in your faith?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We celebrate Xmas with my family.
Thanksgiving we alternate every other year.
We celebrate RH and YK with DH's family.

Really, I would like to host Hanukkah at our house but it doesn't always work out.

Are you traveling for all holidays? If so, would it help you to pick one and say you're hosting it and anyone is welcome to visit?

Sorry it looks like you're hosting, so reverse of my family. I think it's ok to say I can only host X and Y, and if anyone else wants to host Z let us know. ??

Was the first post OP? I didn’t get that impression... OP, could you clarify?

Sorry any confusion but none of this here was OP. It's me - and FTR I meant to say we do RH and Passover with my DH's family and not YK. We do that one ourselves.

OP: how many holidays are we talking about here? what months? do they all have to be celebrated at your house?

All the Jewish ones, and all the Christian ones. And Thanksgiving.

It sounds like it's time for you and your husband to revisit the conversation about what your interfaith family will look like. Is it important for each of you to celebrate everything? Or has it become more important because the kids are also celebrating the other religion?

In most interfaith families, what this looks like is one religion is celebrated fully, and the other is not. And the one that is celebrated fully is the one that the parent (usually mom) celebrates. Since you say your children are also your faith, why are you celebrating all the holidays of both faiths in your home? It would make more sense to go all out for the holidays of the religion you chose for your children, and do smaller events/rituals/activities for the other holidays. Or, to celebrate those holidays at the house of the grandparents who are that faith.

Is your husband rethinking the idea that the kids will be raised in your faith?

Husband and I are good.

Basically, the advice from y'all is to grow a spine (which is fair). All I want: I want the Jews to take a pass on Christmas and the Christians to take a pass on YK. Seems fair.

[Anonymous]

You are happy to celebrate all the holidays — even host — as long as it is fewer people, yes? I think in Jan/Feb, you snd DH each tell you respective side of relatives, “Enjoyed having one for all these holidays, but it’s been too much for us. Starting this year, we’ll just our side for X holiday and just their side for Y holiday.” Cut back evenly, and just on 2 majors to start, and the less major holidays will likely take care of themselves over time.

[Anonymous]

I don't get why saying no. My children and I are Jewish. My husband is Christian. I have no issue with them sending Christmas gifts for their holiday. I prefer when I get gifts too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We celebrate Xmas with my family.
Thanksgiving we alternate every other year.
We celebrate RH and YK with DH's family.

Really, I would like to host Hanukkah at our house but it doesn't always work out.

Are you traveling for all holidays? If so, would it help you to pick one and say you're hosting it and anyone is welcome to visit?

Sorry it looks like you're hosting, so reverse of my family. I think it's ok to say I can only host X and Y, and if anyone else wants to host Z let us know. ??

Was the first post OP? I didn’t get that impression... OP, could you clarify?

Sorry any confusion but none of this here was OP. It's me - and FTR I meant to say we do RH and Passover with my DH's family and not YK. We do that one ourselves.

OP: how many holidays are we talking about here? what months? do they all have to be celebrated at your house?

All the Jewish ones, and all the Christian ones. And Thanksgiving.

It sounds like it's time for you and your husband to revisit the conversation about what your interfaith family will look like. Is it important for each of you to celebrate everything? Or has it become more important because the kids are also celebrating the other religion?

In most interfaith families, what this looks like is one religion is celebrated fully, and the other is not. And the one that is celebrated fully is the one that the parent (usually mom) celebrates. Since you say your children are also your faith, why are you celebrating all the holidays of both faiths in your home? It would make more sense to go all out for the holidays of the religion you chose for your children, and do smaller events/rituals/activities for the other holidays. Or, to celebrate those holidays at the house of the grandparents who are that faith.

Is your husband rethinking the idea that the kids will be raised in your faith?

Husband and I are good.

Basically, the advice from y'all is to grow a spine (which is fair). All I want: I want the Jews to take a pass on Christmas and the Christians to take a pass on YK. Seems fair.

I take a pass on Christmas by why should my husband take a pass with his family because they celebrate it. That makes no sense. Kids are technically both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We celebrate Xmas with my family.
Thanksgiving we alternate every other year.
We celebrate RH and YK with DH's family.

Really, I would like to host Hanukkah at our house but it doesn't always work out.

Are you traveling for all holidays? If so, would it help you to pick one and say you're hosting it and anyone is welcome to visit?

Sorry it looks like you're hosting, so reverse of my family. I think it's ok to say I can only host X and Y, and if anyone else wants to host Z let us know. ??

Was the first post OP? I didn’t get that impression... OP, could you clarify?

Sorry any confusion but none of this here was OP. It's me - and FTR I meant to say we do RH and Passover with my DH's family and not YK. We do that one ourselves.

OP: how many holidays are we talking about here? what months? do they all have to be celebrated at your house?

All the Jewish ones, and all the Christian ones. And Thanksgiving.

It sounds like it's time for you and your husband to revisit the conversation about what your interfaith family will look like. Is it important for each of you to celebrate everything? Or has it become more important because the kids are also celebrating the other religion?

In most interfaith families, what this looks like is one religion is celebrated fully, and the other is not. And the one that is celebrated fully is the one that the parent (usually mom) celebrates. Since you say your children are also your faith, why are you celebrating all the holidays of both faiths in your home? It would make more sense to go all out for the holidays of the religion you chose for your children, and do smaller events/rituals/activities for the other holidays. Or, to celebrate those holidays at the house of the grandparents who are that faith.

Is your husband rethinking the idea that the kids will be raised in your faith?

Husband and I are good.

Basically, the advice from y'all is to grow a spine (which is fair). All I want: I want the Jews to take a pass on Christmas and the Christians to take a pass on YK. Seems fair.

This could be entirely my issue, but I am not sure I totally understand.

Are you saying you only want to celebrate Christmas with the Christian side of the family?
And you only want to celebrate YK with the Jewish side of the family?

That sounds reasonable, but I guess I am just not sure if a few extra people matter if you're celebrating anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi. This is OP. Perhaps I should be clearer.

Somehow we are ending up throwing all the holidays from both faiths at our own home. Plus thanksgiving. We are tired, but the thing that tires us the most are the expectations that both sides need to be included in all celebrations.

As a result, all are too big and we are tired.

Anyone have personal experience with this?

My friends in this situation sat down and figured out what they wanted to host and they let their families know early that those were the only holidays (mix of both sides) that they would host. For the other holidays, they are more than willing for the parent of that faith to take the kids to their family for that celebration. The other parent sometimes joins, sometimes doesn't.

For example, my best friend is Jewish and his wife is Christian. They host Passover and a combined winter party around Hanukkah/Christmas. My friend takes the kids to another family member's house for YK Break-Fast. She takes kids to Easter dinner at her family. They sometimes go to one of his family member's home for one or two nights of Hanukkah (so the family can exchange gifts). They stay home for Christmas and some of her family sometimes comes to visit them there. He doesn't always go to Easter dinner. She doesn't always go to Hanukkah or YK. Everything else is negotiated between that parent and his/her family.

It all comes back to the standard: decide what you want to do, set boundaries and stick to them. Do not let the families pressure you into doing what you cannot cope with. And be willing to adjust your own personal expectations, convey to the family early so they can plan otherwise, and then calmly deal with the fallout when the families inevitably object.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We celebrate Xmas with my family.
Thanksgiving we alternate every other year.
We celebrate RH and YK with DH's family.

Really, I would like to host Hanukkah at our house but it doesn't always work out.

Are you traveling for all holidays? If so, would it help you to pick one and say you're hosting it and anyone is welcome to visit?

Sorry it looks like you're hosting, so reverse of my family. I think it's ok to say I can only host X and Y, and if anyone else wants to host Z let us know. ??

Was the first post OP? I didn’t get that impression... OP, could you clarify?

Sorry any confusion but none of this here was OP. It's me - and FTR I meant to say we do RH and Passover with my DH's family and not YK. We do that one ourselves.

OP: how many holidays are we talking about here? what months? do they all have to be celebrated at your house?

All the Jewish ones, and all the Christian ones. And Thanksgiving.

It sounds like it's time for you and your husband to revisit the conversation about what your interfaith family will look like. Is it important for each of you to celebrate everything? Or has it become more important because the kids are also celebrating the other religion?

In most interfaith families, what this looks like is one religion is celebrated fully, and the other is not. And the one that is celebrated fully is the one that the parent (usually mom) celebrates. Since you say your children are also your faith, why are you celebrating all the holidays of both faiths in your home? It would make more sense to go all out for the holidays of the religion you chose for your children, and do smaller events/rituals/activities for the other holidays. Or, to celebrate those holidays at the house of the grandparents who are that faith.

Is your husband rethinking the idea that the kids will be raised in your faith?

Husband and I are good.

Basically, the advice from y'all is to grow a spine (which is fair). All I want: I want the Jews to take a pass on Christmas and the Christians to take a pass on YK. Seems fair.

This could be entirely my issue, but I am not sure I totally understand.

Are you saying you only want to celebrate Christmas with the Christian side of the family?
And you only want to celebrate YK with the Jewish side of the family?

That sounds reasonable, but I guess I am just not sure if a few extra people matter if you're celebrating anyway.

+1. How many extra people are showing up for gifts and break the fast? If they're coming, they can help make the party, anyway.

[Anonymous]

"This year, we are hosting X and Y. We will not be hosting for A, B, or C. If anyone makes plans for those holidays, please let us know, and we'll check our schedules. Otherwise, we'll see you on DATE and DATE, and look forward to that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why saying no. My children and I are Jewish. My husband is Christian. I have no issue with them sending Christmas gifts for their holiday. I prefer when I get gifts too.

Ah, you misunderstand. I am certainly not opposed to holidays.

I am simply opposed to the endless arrival of endless guests and cooking roasts.

Husband, too. It is a spine issue, not a faith issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"This year, we are hosting X and Y. We will not be hosting for A, B, or C. If anyone makes plans for those holidays, please let us know, and we'll check our schedules. Otherwise, we'll see you on DATE and DATE, and look forward to that."

Yeah, so it comes back to the spine thing...

[Anonymous]

^^^ that was me, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi. This is OP. Perhaps I should be clearer.

Somehow we are ending up throwing all the holidays from both faiths at our own home. Plus thanksgiving. We are tired, but the thing that tires us the most are the expectations that both sides need to be included in all celebrations.

As a result, all are too big and we are tired.

Anyone have personal experience with this?

We are an interfaith couple however we celebrate only with FOO or inlaws for whoever's holiday it is.

However it's nice that everyone is included. Is it possible to ask everyone to bring a dish to make it easier for you. Or is it possible someone else wants to host for a couple of holidays or alternate each year between your house and FOO/Inlaws house. Just be honest with them and see what fits best.