Interfaith couples, too many holiday. How do you tell people "no".
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Anonymous
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Any hints?
How do you tell the other-faith parents to just back off and let the holiday pass without us? We are an interfaith couple. The kids are my faith, and dad is not. We are exhausted.... Anyone have success in saying to a family member, "please take a pass on the one"? I end up hosting just too many things on other people's schedules. We are tired and looking to simplify. |
Anonymous
| "sorry we have a conflict that day!" |
Anonymous
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If you’re Jewish/Muslim and trying to avoid Christmas, I would let that one go. Between the break from school and the cultural aspect, it’s a losing battle.
Plus, it’s one way to let the other grandparents share their culture with your child and bond. Whatever the combination is, I would always make an effort to celebrate the most important holiday for the ILs. I would feel terrible saying no to an Eid celebration if my ILs were Muslim or Rosh Hashana if my ILs were Jewish. As for the minor holidays? Say “I’m sorry, we can’t make it, but we look forward to seeing at XXX.” |
Anonymous
Figure out your message. If it is "we will happily celebrate with you, but we don't celebrate x in our home," then say that. That's a reasonable thing to say. So is, "we can come to grandma's menorah-lighting on Wednesday, but we won't be able to make cousin Ari's latke party Thursday or cousin Helen's lighting party on Saturday." I can't tell, though, if that is what you mean, or you mean that you don't want to celebrate the holiday at all because it is not your holiday and it's too much scheduling/effort/disruption/money/time/whatever. Well, in that case, I say that this is your husband's call. If he wants to celebrate his holiday with his family and have his family join him, then that's what comes along with being an interfaith couple. If you refuse most invitations, or agree to only show up but never participate in anything you feel is part of that holiday, you are going to drive a wedge between your children and their relatives. What you're describing is not an interfaith family. It is a man who married out of his faith and into another. My guess is that he doesn't see it that way. Also, no, there is no way to turn down all invitations from family associated with a holiday and not end up with hurt feelings, confusion, or anger. |
Anonymous
| You can't pass on the high holy holidays or Easter/Christmas or the Muslim equivalent and call yourself interfaith. Maybe you could choose a religion or say you're atheist and not celebrating any? |
Anonymous
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We celebrate Xmas with my family.
Thanksgiving we alternate every other year. We celebrate RH and YK with DH's family. Really, I would like to host Hanukkah at our house but it doesn't always work out. Are you traveling for all holidays? If so, would it help you to pick one and say you're hosting it and anyone is welcome to visit? |
Anonymous
Sorry it looks like you're hosting, so reverse of my family. I think it's ok to say I can only host X and Y, and if anyone else wants to host Z let us know. ?? |
Anonymous
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Are you hosting for both faiths? And doing most of the work?
Regardless, you and your DH need to get on the same page as to how much hosting you're willing to do, how much travel, and what holidays are the most important for each faith, and then he needs to communicate the plan to his parents and you to yours. So, the message to both would be: "Mom, Dad, we're an interfaith family, and we simply can't adequately celebrate every holiday for both religions and stay sane. We've decided to do x, y, and z, but we'll be taking a pass on a, b, and c this year." And go from there. And, if they throw a fit, hold firm and let them adjust, just as anyone has to do when they say, "This year, we're staying at our house for Christmas" or any other kind of boundary. |
Anonymous
Was the first post OP? I didn’t get that impression... OP, could you clarify? |
Anonymous
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Hi. This is OP. Perhaps I should be clearer.
Somehow we are ending up throwing all the holidays from both faiths at our own home. Plus thanksgiving. We are tired, but the thing that tires us the most are the expectations that both sides need to be included in all celebrations. As a result, all are too big and we are tired. Anyone have personal experience with this? |
Anonymous
Do you have the only children in the family? If so this is probably why. Also, if your parents are like mine, they are worried about overstepping. Given what I read on here all the time, that is a lovely idea in theory, but in practice it means there is no holiday if I don't do it, and everyone is disappointed. So, we are not interfaith, but I can't do Halloween, birthday, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah without becoming a major shrew. So, we invite ourselves to my parents' house every year for TG. We moved too far away this year, so I invited us to a cousin's house. The conversation with my mom went like this: "Mom, I can't do TG this year. Do you guys want to come and go to a restaurant, or would you be willing to host it at your house?" |
Anonymous
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^^ Also, b/c of the interfaith thing, both sides probably want the grandchildren to feel like they are a part of all the celebrations, and want to know what their grandchildren are growing up with.
I'd start saying, "I can do x, but I was wondering if maybe instead, you wanted to do y at your house?" And then you could decide whether or not to also invite the other side. |
Anonymous
Sorry any confusion but none of this here was OP. It's me - and FTR I meant to say we do RH and Passover with my DH's family and not YK. We do that one ourselves. OP: how many holidays are we talking about here? what months? do they all have to be celebrated at your house? |
Anonymous
| I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your parents, or your ILs for that matter, but I guess they all know I am a hot mess, so I can tell them I am at my limit at hosting and they'll do it instead. I guess you don't feel comfortable about talking to either about that? |
Anonymous
All the Jewish ones, and all the Christian ones. And Thanksgiving. |