International families

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think it is unfair to the other parent to take your kid to your country of origin every summer for a few weeks?

There is no fair or unfair, it's whatever the family finds agreeable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH told me he misses out on too much time with kids if I take them every summer abroad and told me today he would like for me to limit their time there. he mentioned that it is unfair for me not to take his feelings into consideration when i told him i am not planning on changing that because these are the times that kids see my family overseas - once a year for a few weeks in summer.

I don't understand this. Your DH told you he, the father, misses time with his kids, and you told him, I don't care?

Fair or no fair, but this a major marital fail on your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH told me he misses out on too much time with kids if I take them every summer abroad and told me today he would like for me to limit their time there. he mentioned that it is unfair for me not to take his feelings into consideration when i told him i am not planning on changing that because these are the times that kids see my family overseas - once a year for a few weeks in summer.

I don't understand this. Your DH told you he, the father, misses time with his kids, and you told him, I don't care?

Fair or no fair, but this a major marital fail on your part.

+1. Seems OP wants to wants to determine what summer plans are every year, even though it would be more fair for the other parent to have a say in the plans. Her approach means the other parent only gets to see his children for three seasons per year, while she gets them all summer to herself. The other parent never will have summer memories with their children--weekends at the playground, splash park, pool, etc.--due to OP's unilateral approach.

[Anonymous]

I would not be ok with my DH taking our kids back to Iran for the summer - I would not want to miss the majority of the summer with them and all the fun summer can involve.

I feel like people on here are saying dads shouldn't care, I definitely would want my DH to care. I would be pretty upset if he didn't care if he didn't see his kids for weeks at a time.

For a week every year? Sure. For a month every few years? Maybe. Several weeks every year - nope, I'm not giving up this time with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Team DH here- it would be one thing if he said no to you taking the kids at all, but I think it is definitely reasonable for him to ask you to limit the time. Also you don’t state your kids ages but I think that plays a role as well. My kids are still very young so if I was in this situation the longest I would be okay with being separated from them would be two weeks. I would probably be okay with a slightly longer period as they got older, but either way if my spouse told me they were going to take them for as long as they liked, regardless of my feelings, we would have major issues.

[Anonymous]

I see both sides here, and for what it's worth I am in an international marriage. However, I think you and your husband need to work this out as a relationship issue (possibly with the help of a counselor). The kids also belong to him. He is a co-parent. Whatever his wishes are, they need to be equally respected. If he doesn't want to be separated from them for 2-3 months each year, I think you need to hear that. It doesn't matter what other families do or what is normal in other contexts. Both parents need to be happy for the kids not to feel torn or guilty. The last thing you want to do is turn this into some kind of power struggle and have it affect your children's self-understanding as they grow up. A healthy family dynamic would be a priority for me personally in terms of my children's well-being over other benefits to be gained by time spent abroad.

[Anonymous]

It's totally fair if you take the family to one side (grandparents) and the rest of the year, the kid stays or get to see the other grandparents.

One family could also visit the other family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes it is pretty much this: summer abroad with grandparents and other family memebers versus camp in DC with random kids and DH seeing LOs morning and evening plus weekends.

You need to work on persuading him of the benefits his children accrue by living for a short time annually in their native country.
Also, respect his feelings. Surely you two can find a compromise! Maybe shorten the summer abroad? Or do lengthy stays every two years instead of every year?

[Anonymous]

OP we do this. I (or the nanny) take the kids to my parents in Europe. They spend 3 months there having the best time of their lives. My parents rent a house near a beach where the kids do “camp” in the morning (they swim, sail, kayak, play, etc) and spend time at the beach with their friends in the afternoon. It’s very safe place geared towards the kids. My parents are amazing, the kids and DH love them and trust them 100%. I am usually away from them for 3-4 weeks and DH 6-8 weeks. We miss them, but we also enjoy the time alone recognizing that this is what is best FOR OUR KIDS. The other option would be to be in camps in the crappy weather. I grew up spending 3 months at the beach with grandparents/ parents/ nanny. My parents always made a point in having us being outside and in the water as much as possible. DH is fromsouth America and we don’t do this with his side of the family. His parents are older and would not be able (nor do they want to) care for our kids. We have a different relationship. My parents are amazing and we are so blessed to have them. Maybe it’s a cultural thing. My grandparents took all their grandkids to France for 3 weeks every summer to learn French. It was never an issue in my family. Perhaps American parents are different. I still believe that you should do what’s best for the kids and not for you or DH.

[Anonymous]

I think 2-3 weeks away would be fine, but the entire summer may be too much. It also depends on the kids' ages.

My DH has taken the kids to visit his home country for about a week once, and I was fine with that, but he was upset that I wasn't able to come with them.

Maybe your DH feels excluded in general? Do your kids speak a language with you that he doesn't understand? Does he maybe think that your kids are too foreign or don't share his values? I think this may be a control issue.

[Anonymous]

how many of the mom's on here responding "its fine" would really be fine not being with their kids for 2-3 months a year?!?

I doubt many mom's would be and I don't know why we expect dads to feel differently

[Anonymous]

My husband's family lives abroad ( in India) and I go away for 3-4 weeks to visit my family in California! I did this every 3 or so months when I was a stay at home mom for the first few years. My husband was in medical school at the time. It was really helpful and cheaper than hiring a babysitter. I got to spend valuable time with my grandmother before she passed away. A few weeks is no big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how many of the mom's on here responding "its fine" would really be fine not being with their kids for 2-3 months a year?!?

I doubt many mom's would be and I don't know why we expect dads to feel differently

The question was 2-3 weeks pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP we do this. I (or the nanny) take the kids to my parents in Europe. They spend 3 months there having the best time of their lives. My parents rent a house near a beach where the kids do “camp” in the morning (they swim, sail, kayak, play, etc) and spend time at the beach with their friends in the afternoon. It’s very safe place geared towards the kids. My parents are amazing, the kids and DH love them and trust them 100%. I am usually away from them for 3-4 weeks and DH 6-8 weeks. We miss them, but we also enjoy the time alone recognizing that this is what is best FOR OUR KIDS. The other option would be to be in camps in the crappy weather. I grew up spending 3 months at the beach with grandparents/ parents/ nanny. My parents always made a point in having us being outside and in the water as much as possible. DH is fromsouth America and we don’t do this with his side of the family. His parents are older and would not be able (nor do they want to) care for our kids. We have a different relationship. My parents are amazing and we are so blessed to have them. Maybe it’s a cultural thing. My grandparents took all their grandkids to France for 3 weeks every summer to learn French. It was never an issue in my family. Perhaps American parents are different. I still believe that you should do what’s best for the kids and not for you or DH.

She is not in charge of deciding what's best for the kids. Her DH gets a vote too.

And you have no idea what the setup is on the other end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how many of the mom's on here responding "its fine" would really be fine not being with their kids for 2-3 months a year?!?

I doubt many mom's would be and I don't know why we expect dads to feel differently

The question was 2-3 weeks pp.

DP. OP first said a few weeks in the original post, but then clarified at 08:42 that it was "summer abroad" with no local camps--I took this to mean the whole summer.