SO: Thoughts on sister and her DH buying a house with my mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not think OP is out of line to be concerned about this. It is not a mystery in my family that my mother is splitting her assets precisely three ways between my two sisters and me and if one of us tried to take advantage of her to alter this there would absolutely be hard feelings. It is one thing to have your parents assets used to take care of them, it is another to have a sibling set up your parent so that that sibling receives the bulk of family assets.

Of course, OP wants what is best for her mother, but it is hard to navigate the sensitivities here.

All of this could be addressed in how the ownership of the newly purchased property.

Also, why can't the sister move in with the mom in the 3 bedroom apartment and take over paying the maintenance?

You are just as selfish as op. You don’t get decide what your parents do with their money, they can change their inheritance plans tomorrow for no reason at all.

[Anonymous]

What happens if mom needs to go to assisted living? Think broken hip, dementia, etc. Will the home have to be sold? What happens if sis's marriage splits up? Lots of problems here. You, your mom and sister need to see an attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I think you’re all being a bit harsh, especially since I noted in my original posting that we’d welcome having our mother move in with us — fully free of charge.

And I don’t actually know that my mother wants to move in with my sister; I do know my sister has proposed it and is trying to convince her.

It’s not crazy or selfish for me to wonder what might happen to my mother’s assets when she dies if all of the money is tied up in a shared property my sister is living in.

My father repeatedly underscored his desire for all assets to be inherited equally among his kids. And I for one have SN kids who may not be able to support themselves as adults. So wondering what implications such an arrangement might have is not just borne of selfishness.

I would be perfectly fine having my sister move in to my mother’s three bedroom apartment, free of charge.

This is not complicated op. Your mom does not want to live in dc and you presumably do not want to live in New York. Since your sister does live in New York and is willing to care for your mom, the two of them get to decide what works best for them. It also is not uncommon for parents to favor the child who cares for them in their old age in the way their assets are divided after death. Your sister will be making some serious sacrifices moving in with and caring for your mom, even if she also receives some financial benefit.

Your and your husband are responsible for your children, not your mom or sister.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure what about this is complicated, OP.

You live in DC. Your mom lives in NY and would prefer to stay in NY. She is overwhelmed and lonely in her 3 BR apartment. Your sister lives in NY, but cannot fit mom in her current place. Your sister has offered to buy a place and move in with your mom -- and undertake all of the burdens that go along with that, implicitly.

This is your mom's decision to make.

If they buy the house together, your mom will be a joint owner. She is free to do with her estate however she sees fit.

[Anonymous]

If you’re so concerned, move to ny

[Anonymous]

I'm with the OP. Its totally wrong for the sister to get the full inheritance simply because the mother lives with her. Is the sister prepared to cough up OP's half when the mother dies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens if mom needs to go to assisted living? Think broken hip, dementia, etc. Will the home have to be sold? What happens if sis's marriage splits up? Lots of problems here. You, your mom and sister need to see an attorney.

THIS. Plus, unless there is some back story, I highly doubt your mother intends to leave all of her assets to just 1 of her children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the OP. Its totally wrong for the sister to get the full inheritance simply because the mother lives with her. Is the sister prepared to cough up OP's half when the mother dies?

Who said the sister was getting the full inheritance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I think you’re all being a bit harsh, especially since I noted in my original posting that we’d welcome having our mother move in with us — fully free of charge.

And I don’t actually know that my mother wants to move in with my sister; I do know my sister has proposed it and is trying to convince her.

It’s not crazy or selfish for me to wonder what might happen to my mother’s assets when she dies if all of the money is tied up in a shared property my sister is living in.

My father repeatedly underscored his desire for all assets to be inherited equally among his kids. And I for one have SN kids who may not be able to support themselves as adults. So wondering what implications such an arrangement might have is not just borne of selfishness.

I would be perfectly fine having my sister move in to my mother’s three bedroom apartment, free of charge.

Your father died and left everything to his wife. If he had wanted to leave anything to you he could have. Now it is up to your mother what she does with it.
And as PP said, you are responsible for your kids, not your mother or father.

I have seen countless families destroyed over this. Trust me, the only key to a happy life is to expect nothing in the way of inheritance from anyone. That way, if something arrives then it is a bonus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if mom needs to go to assisted living? Think broken hip, dementia, etc. Will the home have to be sold? What happens if sis's marriage splits up? Lots of problems here. You, your mom and sister need to see an attorney.

THIS. Plus, unless there is some back story, I highly doubt your mother intends to leave all of her assets to just 1 of her children.

Surely mom can figure this out without op whining about not getting her fair share. The money could also all go to mom’s future medical expenses, leaving op and her sister with no inheritance. Nothing in life is guaranteed, certainly not other people’s money.

Op sounds much more interested in the money than her mom’s well being.

[Anonymous]

You don't have "an inheritance." Your mother has her own funds, to spend exactly how she pleases. If she is super-generous, she may leave you some of her money when she passes. You are not "owed" an equal share with your siblings or any other beneficiary.

Not.
Your.
Business.
At.
All.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

First, I have not objected to this proposal; I’m discussing my hesitation with DCUM, with the hopes of getting some useful practical advice. And of course I want what’s best for my mom.

And, yes, my mother’s assets are all tied up in real-estate. She owns a three-bedroom upper east side apartment in a nicely-appointed doorman building, and otherwise scrapes by on a modest pension, plus Social Security. (She is also deeply attached to the apartment, which is full of memories, not to mention a lifetime of memorabilia. Personally I unsure she should sell until she has to; she’s presently in her 70s and in good health.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom’s money is not yours to contemplate. This arrangement sounds like it would be good for her and for your sister. You should be happy for them.

+1

Why are you even thinking of your inheritance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My immediate reaction is that your sister has no idea what she could be letting herself in for. Caring for a sick elderly relative dying by inches all over the place is incredibly difficult. Your mother could have a good quality of life and pass away rapidly, or she could have the opposite experience, and that would be awful for everyone.

So... just make sure this is what your mother really wants. And make sure that you are helpful and visit often

You are a despicable person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

First, I have not objected to this proposal; I’m discussing my hesitation with DCUM, with the hopes of getting some useful practical advice. And of course I want what’s best for my mom.

And, yes, my mother’s assets are all tied up in real-estate. She owns a three-bedroom upper east side apartment in a nicely-appointed doorman building, and otherwise scrapes by on a modest pension, plus Social Security. (She is also deeply attached to the apartment, which is full of memories, not to mention a lifetime of memorabilia. Personally I unsure she should sell until she has to; she’s presently in her 70s and in good health.)

I think you've received some useful practical advice: Let your mom decide for herself what she wants to do.