SO: Thoughts on sister and her DH buying a house with my mother?

[Anonymous]

My father died several years ago and my mother lives on her own, where she gets a bit overwhelmed with apartment upkeep, plus monthly building maintenance costs of over $3k. (She lives alone in a three bedroom NYC doorman building apartment, her primary asset.). She’s also a bit lonely.

My sister lives in NYC with her DH and young kids. They are in a rental but hope to buy.

My sister has proposed having my mom sell her three-bedroom apartment and instead buy a place with her and her DH. My sister argues that this arrangement would allow her to take care of our mother in her old-age, and just help more generally. She argues that she and her husband couldn’t afford a large enough place without my mother’s investment.

Needless to say, I’m deeply concerned about what such an arrangement would do to my future inheritance, and I somehow don’t see my sister’s motivations as 100% altruistic. (I’m sure she’d love $1 million invested in a shared townhouse.). But I can also see how such a living arrangement could be beneficial for my mom.

We’d welcome my mom to move in to our home free of charge, but we live in DC, away from her social networks. I cannot see her moving from NYC.

Thoughts? Advice?

[Anonymous]

You shouldn’t be thinking about your inheritance, it is your mom’s decision to make.

[Anonymous]

It's pretty simple. Your mom gets to decide what to do with HER money and HER life.

[Anonymous]

Your mom’s money is not yours to contemplate. This arrangement sounds like it would be good for her and for your sister. You should be happy for them.

[Anonymous]

I think it's pretty telling (and very selfish) that you are concerned about your inheritance despite this being a beneficial decision for your mother. It's your mother's life and her money. What does she want to do? Basically, stay out of it and let you mom decide.

[Anonymous]

If I were you, the concern I'd express to my sister is how hard taking care of your mother on her own will be. And has she really thought that through. If your mom isn't going to leave NYC, then the caretaking will fall to your sister anyhow, right? So why not have an arrangement where they already live together?

I'd be supportive of this. And I would make your peace with not getting a dime of inheritance from your mother NOW. That way if anything does come to you, you'll be pleasantly surprised, but if not you will have already dealt with your feelings about that.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't worry about an inheritance. If you want more money in the future, I suggest upgrading your skills and looking for a better job, rather than fighting with your sibling over potential assets from your as-yet undeceased mother.

[Anonymous]

My immediate reaction is that your sister has no idea what she could be letting herself in for. Caring for a sick elderly relative dying by inches all over the place is incredibly difficult. Your mother could have a good quality of life and pass away rapidly, or she could have the opposite experience, and that would be awful for everyone.

So... just make sure this is what your mother really wants. And make sure that you are helpful and visit often

[Anonymous]

You should be grateful that your sister is willing to take care of your mother in old age. Dang.

[Anonymous]

You live in DC. This is often what happens who a sibling who moves away and another stays in the hometown. It sounds like a good setup for both of them. You mention townhome,...surely you don’t mean a $10 million UES brownstone, do you?

This probably makes sense for your mom. Why should she stay in a larger expensive apartment when she can live with family?

If you’d like this setup then ask her to move to Dc and do the same.

[Anonymous]

PP again - often the visiting sibling is welcomed when the one doing all the drudge work is resented and taken for granted... a word to the wise...

[Anonymous]

I think the problem is what happens if living together doesn't work out or your mother develops health problems they haven't anticipated. If your mother needed to move to an aged care home, this could necessitate them selling their home in order to free up the capital. What if your mother becomes difficult in old age and your sister regrets the arrangement? Or her DH for that matter, esp since it is not his mother. You also should expect this will affect your inheritance. Perhaps your sister should be financially compensated for caring for your mother and expect a larger inheritance.

[Anonymous]

How old is your mom? How well does she and your sister get along? Will your mom have an in-law unit with her own living space, or just a bedroom? Does she have a steady income (pension, SS?). What happens down the road if she needs more care? Is your sister up for it? Open to bringing in home health aides? What happens if your mom needs a nursing home? Will there be money for that? Has your mom explored other elder housing options?

[Anonymous]

I do not think OP is out of line to be concerned about this. It is not a mystery in my family that my mother is splitting her assets precisely three ways between my two sisters and me and if one of us tried to take advantage of her to alter this there would absolutely be hard feelings. It is one thing to have your parents assets used to take care of them, it is another to have a sibling set up your parent so that that sibling receives the bulk of family assets.

Of course, OP wants what is best for her mother, but it is hard to navigate the sensitivities here.

All of this could be addressed in how the ownership of the newly purchased property.

Also, why can't the sister move in with the mom in the 3 bedroom apartment and take over paying the maintenance?

[Anonymous]

Op here. I think you’re all being a bit harsh, especially since I noted in my original posting that we’d welcome having our mother move in with us — fully free of charge.

And I don’t actually know that my mother wants to move in with my sister; I do know my sister has proposed it and is trying to convince her.

It’s not crazy or selfish for me to wonder what might happen to my mother’s assets when she dies if all of the money is tied up in a shared property my sister is living in.

My father repeatedly underscored his desire for all assets to be inherited equally among his kids. And I for one have SN kids who may not be able to support themselves as adults. So wondering what implications such an arrangement might have is not just borne of selfishness.

I would be perfectly fine having my sister move in to my mother’s three bedroom apartment, free of charge.