My dd goes to Stanford, she is a freshman and not loving it. She got it on her music merits

[Anonymous]

Does no one on this post believe in being true to yourself?
Is it all about keeping up appearances?

I swear, that is why so many of these hard driving kids contemplate suicide or resort to cutting. Everyone is telling them to squash their feelings and present socially constructed perfection to the outside world.

Poor kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of the thread about fit being for snowflakes. Tell your DD how lucky she is and her attendance is something many people around the world would kill for.

OP-this attitude represents the attitude of most people, this i'm on an anonymous board and DD doesn't tell anyone how she doesn't like her school

I went to Harvard and didn't love it. Do I regret going there? Not at all. It's ok not to love it. I think when you get into a school that a lot of people want (and you want too), you feel pressure to have the perfect experience. You may have expectations built up in your head. There's issues same as everywhere -- homesickness, bad rooming situation, tough classes, boring classes, not finding your place right away. Hopefully she'll find aspects of it she likes soon, give it some time.

[Anonymous]

<<My family is Indian (South Asian) and my parents would have been very angry if I made it to Stanford and didn't choose to go.>>

I wonder how many years and how much therapy it will take for you to figure out that you should make your own decisions. You are not living for your parents, nor should they live through you.

This will come up again and again. What job is good enough for them, what spouse is good enough for them?

I understand that many Asian cultures PUSH this narrative, but I believe that it is not healthy for children. One of my DC's Indian friends said his parents told him that his goal should be to get a higher SAT score than any of his friends. That child felt a scary amount of pressure. Even though he was a wonderful child and student, he experienced extreme shame when he did not get into the parents' first choice school. I can only hope he (and you) wriggle out of their spell before too much of your life has gone by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:<<My family is Indian (South Asian) and my parents would have been very angry if I made it to Stanford and didn't choose to go.>>

I wonder how many years and how much therapy it will take for you to figure out that you should make your own decisions. You are not living for your parents, nor should they live through you.

This will come up again and again. What job is good enough for them, what spouse is good enough for them?

I understand that many Asian cultures PUSH this narrative, but I believe that it is not healthy for children. One of my DC's Indian friends said his parents told him that his goal should be to get a higher SAT score than any of his friends. That child felt a scary amount of pressure. Even though he was a wonderful child and student, he experienced extreme shame when he did not get into the parents' first choice school. I can only hope he (and you) wriggle out of their spell before too much of your life has gone by.

I know an Asian kid who turned down Stanford - kid was turned off during visiting day. Host didn’t bother to show up, school administrators didn’t step in, kid plus a few others whose hosts didn’t bother showing up had to sleep on floor by entrance to dorm rooms where other students just stepped over them and no one offered to help, found the current students too focused on making money, etc.

[Anonymous]

I know an Asian kid who turned down Stanford. Was turned off during visiting day - host didn’t show up despite repeated calls, administration could not be reached, kid plus a dozen others had to sleep on floor near entrance of dorms where other students just stepped over them with no one offering to help, and found the students overly focused on making money. Parents were fine with kid turning down Stanford - kid was a superstar and admitted to HYP also.

[Anonymous]

It could be stanford. I find the energy on that campus pretty intense and not typical of even an elite college.

[Anonymous]

I didn't enjoy my top university experience and would have been much better off at a SLAS. My parents were so thrilled I got into the school that they would have been very disappointed if I didn't accept. My friends that went to SLACs went on to attend top graduate programs so it certainly didn't hurt them.

[Anonymous]

"My family is Indian (South Asian) and my parents would have been very angry if I made it to Stanford and didn't choose to go. It's a matter of cultural values I think. As immigrants, we don't have the social capital of WASPs so we work our asses off to get into the best possible schools. No one asks "How does this school fit you?"- that's just weird."

I have heard this before. Given my personality, despite being a WASP, I have always felt like I lacked "social capital" and fell back on hard work.

Now, as I start to plan for retirement, I wonder if instead of working on my strength, I should have worked on my weakness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of the thread about fit being for snowflakes. Tell your DD how lucky she is and her attendance is something many people around the world would kill for.

OP-this attitude represents the attitude of most people, this i'm on an anonymous board and DD doesn't tell anyone how she doesn't like her school

I went to Harvard and didn't love it. Do I regret going there? Not at all. It's ok not to love it. I think when you get into a school that a lot of people want (and you want too), you feel pressure to have the perfect experience. You may have expectations built up in your head. There's issues same as everywhere -- homesickness, bad rooming situation, tough classes, boring classes, not finding your place right away. Hopefully she'll find aspects of it she likes soon, give it some time.

This was my experience exactly. College was not the time of my life by any means, but it was useful for my future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know an Asian kid who turned down Stanford. Was turned off during visiting day - host didn’t show up despite repeated calls, administration could not be reached, kid plus a dozen others had to sleep on floor near entrance of dorms where other students just stepped over them with no one offering to help, and found the students overly focused on making money. Parents were fine with kid turning down Stanford - kid was a superstar and admitted to HYP also.

I'm the Indian PP. If the kid turned down Stanford for HYP, then that is ok. It's comparable. But not if it's Iowa State, you know what I mean? Some PPs talk about "being true to yourself" and I think your opinion is valid...to you. It's a very American concept to 'find yourself' 'be happy'...and if it's important to you, ok. But that's not what I care about. I care about prestige and I care about marketing myself. Maybe it doesn't fit your American ideals but there's something to be said about the high success rates among Asian immigrants.

[Anonymous]

OP - I had a similar experience as your daughter. I attended a highly respected program for my major (world-class program) and everyone thought I was the golden child for going.

I had extreme homesickness. My roommate situation was not ideal. The college was far away, and I didn't find much in common with my new friends. I became extremely depressed which eventually led to an eating disorder and much more trouble later on in my college years.

I eventually transferred to another school.

What I want to point out for the "tough love" crowd out there, is to listen to your children. Yes, they need to hear your advice about keeping at it, but be careful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of the thread about fit being for snowflakes. Tell your DD how lucky she is and her attendance is something many people around the world would kill for.

PP this is why the suicide rates are so much higher in ivy's than in other colleges. This is NOT the way to go about it.

OP, my middle DD's best friend is at Cornell and is struggling emotionally. The classes are not that as intense, but the kids are. And this is the perfect time home sickness sets in. The 3 big holidays are coming up and the butterfly effect is wearing off. For her the weather is starting to get cold and dreary - something your DD doesn't have to worry about. Has she tried to get into some clubs or IM sports? It is a great relaxing way to meet new friends and get out of the stress of classes. Just listen to her and understand her. I would also (if you haven't yet) exchange phone numbers with the roommates parents. Keep in touch to make sure the other is emotionally okay and not lying in bed all day or avoiding social interaction. My oldest DD's friend went to Rice and they were in a quad. One of the girls attempted suicide in mid October. Another of the 4 found her in the bathroom. It was a total mess of a 1st semester for the girl who had to drop out and the other 3 who had an empty room and knew why every single day. The other 3 knew the girl was sad, but didn't realize it was that bad. Keeping the roommates involve with parents can be a positive. Not to say every little personal stuff, just if it is really getting bad. Depression or heavy alcohol or drug use. Sometimes the other kids have no one to talk to about it but their own parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What doesn't she like? My husband went there and I've never met anyone who doesn't think it was great. Is she homesick? What's the issue? Maybe we can help brainstorm ideas for her.

She says their is low-key "discrimination" against non-stem kids and the music practice rooms are nearly non-existent and the music talent is just not the same level as the east coast. Met some nice people but isn't having "the time of her life" at least yet

...it’s been a month.

[Anonymous]

I don't get this! Why go to Stanford if she wants to study music???
San Francisco Conservatory is the most prestigious in the West Coast and with competitive admissions. If she wanted a regular university setting, then USC is known for its great music program. But Stanford for music? This reminds me of a friend I had who headed to MIT to study music.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know an Asian kid who turned down Stanford. Was turned off during visiting day - host didn’t show up despite repeated calls, administration could not be reached, kid plus a dozen others had to sleep on floor near entrance of dorms where other students just stepped over them with no one offering to help, and found the students overly focused on making money. Parents were fine with kid turning down Stanford - kid was a superstar and admitted to HYP also.

I'm the Indian PP. If the kid turned down Stanford for HYP, then that is ok. It's comparable. But not if it's Iowa State, you know what I mean? Some PPs talk about "being true to yourself" and I think your opinion is valid...to you. It's a very American concept to 'find yourself' 'be happy'...and if it's important to you, ok. But that's not what I care about. I care about prestige and I care about marketing myself. Maybe it doesn't fit your American ideals but there's something to be said about the high success rates among Asian immigrants.

I just posted about my DD's best friend in Cornell. She is depressed and she can not talk to her parents about it. Why? They are Indian and do not want to hear that kind of talk. "You are fine. Go ahead and finish school. We will see you on winter break." It is heartbreaking.

https://planamag.com/why-are-asian-american-kids-killing-themselves-477a3f6ea3f2

Asian American college students are 1.6 times more likely than all others to make a serious suicide attempt. They are 3 times less likely to seek out professional therapy or counseling. Across all students, about 24% are estimated to experience suicidal ideation at some point in their time at school. It’s safe to assume that the proportion for Asian American students is even higher. When I entered university in 2014, Asian American student deaths at Yale, MIT, and UPenn were making national headlines. Recently, the death of Luke Tang at Harvard University prompted a university-wide conference on Asian American mental illness and the filming of Looking for Luke, which follows Luke’s parents’ life after their son’s passing.