I am so tired of my “oldest child”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your marriage sounds ripe for serious couples counseling with the focus on communication issues. You can try leaving him as a PP did, and clearly that worked for her, but for some couples it could backfire and end up in a permanent split.

I'd sit down alone and think very hard about why you married him and what his positives are. That might help you see whether the communication issue is the sole or main problem or if more is going on. Tell him that you both (not just him) have a problem that needs a Doctor the same way you'd see a doctor if one of you were sick. If he refuses and cannot be objective enough even to see the problem, go to counseling or therapy on your own ASAP. But this may be something where you and he can learn to change the dynamic if you both will work with a professional. And do frame it as both of you getting help, not just him.

+1 We were not good at fighting (different communication styles, scorekeeping on both sides, bringing up everything we had been upset about in the last 6 months if anything came to a head) and did couples counseling before marriage. For a while we used it intensively -- the scripts and language tools and different bags of tricks for defusing situations -- but after 6 months or so we simply stopped fighting. Now if one of us gets upset it's handled pretty much immediately because the goal is getting back to a good place and not being right or winning (on both sides).

When the counselor was giving us scenarios and scripts to use it felt incredibly hokey to me, but the way it has changed our dynamic (which was never toxic to begin with) has been really remarkable.

[Anonymous]

You all made your bed marrying these guys, so lie in it.

For those DHs that have "changed", you need to look at why they've changed and then look in the mirror to see if you're the cause of it. Real talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all made your bed marrying these guys, so lie in it.

For those DHs that have "changed", you need to look at why they've changed and then look in the mirror to see if you're the cause of it. Real talk.

New poster, but suffering from the same issues.
Here is an explanation:

1. My husband has always had ADHD. I did not know this when we met because he was a single man in a rental apartment, doing a PhD and had no other obligations. Everything was fine for the first few years.

2. When we gradually started to have more responsibilities (a house, children, health issues, care for older parents, finances, etc), he became increasingly unable to keep his temper, meet deadlines and manage his time. He has a low-stress job with flexible hours, because he was fired from the high-stress job with longer hours (he's been let go several times). Changes in routine stress him out. He deals with it by lashing out and becoming completely unreasonable. I've wondered whether he has hearing loss or early dementia! But no, he's perfectly able to hear and reason when he wants to.

This is CLASSIC for the older generation who was not diagnosed as children, compensated with their intelligence through much of their young adult lives, and only started suffering in middle age. Many of these people cannot accept that they have a problem, because during their formative years, mental health disorders were taboo. Those in denial are mostly men, they were brought up to lead and provide for their family, and it's difficult to come to terms with the fact that they need help. Combined with a mid-life crisis of the "I'm smart so why aren't I more successful?" variety, it creates a potential for a lot of anger and confusion.

The subtext in your question is that it's somehow the wives' fault. Please realize that this is a real issue with middle-aged men and ADHD, especially in this area that prizes success.

My husband and I are both research scientists. He can use the scientific method to approach many problems in his life, but apparently not this one. The bad faith and hypocrisy completely disgust me at this point and I no longer have any respect for him. I stay because I'm smart enough to see that it makes long-term financial sense for the children and myself, because he would not be a good parent to his children when left by himself during his custody time, and because he would naturally create a contentious and expensive divorce. The children trust and love me, and appreciate all the good in their father (but they don't trust him, no one could).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all made your bed marrying these guys, so lie in it.

For those DHs that have "changed", you need to look at why they've changed and then look in the mirror to see if you're the cause of it. Real talk.

Can I borrow your magic mirror? I need to be able to see in the future so I can pick the right bed next time. Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all made your bed marrying these guys, so lie in it.

For those DHs that have "changed", you need to look at why they've changed and then look in the mirror to see if you're the cause of it. Real talk.

New poster, but suffering from the same issues.
Here is an explanation:

1. My husband has always had ADHD. I did not know this when we met because he was a single man in a rental apartment, doing a PhD and had no other obligations. Everything was fine for the first few years.

2. When we gradually started to have more responsibilities (a house, children, health issues, care for older parents, finances, etc), he became increasingly unable to keep his temper, meet deadlines and manage his time. He has a low-stress job with flexible hours, because he was fired from the high-stress job with longer hours (he's been let go several times). Changes in routine stress him out. He deals with it by lashing out and becoming completely unreasonable. I've wondered whether he has hearing loss or early dementia! But no, he's perfectly able to hear and reason when he wants to.

This is CLASSIC for the older generation who was not diagnosed as children, compensated with their intelligence through much of their young adult lives, and only started suffering in middle age. Many of these people cannot accept that they have a problem, because during their formative years, mental health disorders were taboo. Those in denial are mostly men, they were brought up to lead and provide for their family, and it's difficult to come to terms with the fact that they need help. Combined with a mid-life crisis of the "I'm smart so why aren't I more successful?" variety, it creates a potential for a lot of anger and confusion.

The subtext in your question is that it's somehow the wives' fault. Please realize that this is a real issue with middle-aged men and ADHD, especially in this area that prizes success.

My husband and I are both research scientists. He can use the scientific method to approach many problems in his life, but apparently not this one. The bad faith and hypocrisy completely disgust me at this point and I no longer have any respect for him. I stay because I'm smart enough to see that it makes long-term financial sense for the children and myself, because he would not be a good parent to his children when left by himself during his custody time, and because he would naturally create a contentious and expensive divorce. The children trust and love me, and appreciate all the good in their father (but they don't trust him, no one could).

PP: This is my relationship with my DH exactly. It was as if each stress in life just gradually added up to him not being able to cope with any tiny little thing anymore. He was a great, easy-going guy in his twenties, but life's adult stresses (and we had one pretty substantial trauma early on) are just too much for him and now in his early 50s he's just a powder keg ready to blow at the slightest thing. He also was never able to hold down any job for more than a couple of years. I have always suspected ADHD. He went to top schools for college and grad school (admittance aided by contacts of his wealthy family). I am far from perfect and take some responsibility for why we don't get along. But the tendencies that are just like those the OP described are far worse than anything I could have done to deserve it. I do think it's ADHD (all of our DCs have been diagnosed), but if he's not open to accepting he has a problem, is there really anything I can do? Other than alter my own reactions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse.
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/is-stonewalling-a-form-of-abuse/

This is a classic sign:

then I always end up having to apologize to him for some reason when the issue in the first place was his behavior.

lol engaging and disagreeing / arguing is emotional abuse

refusing to engage ("stonewalling") is emotional abuse

the only thing that is not emotional abuse is saying "yes dear, I'm sorry"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your marriage sounds ripe for serious couples counseling with the focus on communication issues. You can try leaving him as a PP did, and clearly that worked for her, but for some couples it could backfire and end up in a permanent split.

I'd sit down alone and think very hard about why you married him and what his positives are. That might help you see whether the communication issue is the sole or main problem or if more is going on. Tell him that you both (not just him) have a problem that needs a Doctor the same way you'd see a doctor if one of you were sick. If he refuses and cannot be objective enough even to see the problem, go to counseling or therapy on your own ASAP. But this may be something where you and he can learn to change the dynamic if you both will work with a professional. And do frame it as both of you getting help, not just him.

+1 We were not good at fighting (different communication styles, scorekeeping on both sides, bringing up everything we had been upset about in the last 6 months if anything came to a head) and did couples counseling before marriage. For a while we used it intensively -- the scripts and language tools and different bags of tricks for defusing situations -- but after 6 months or so we simply stopped fighting. Now if one of us gets upset it's handled pretty much immediately because the goal is getting back to a good place and not being right or winning (on both sides).

When the counselor was giving us scenarios and scripts to use it felt incredibly hokey to me, but the way it has changed our dynamic (which was never toxic to begin with) has been really remarkable.

Can you pls name your counselor?? Thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the same boat. What makes me the most mad is whenever I am upset with him, HE is the one who ends up mad and then I always end up having to apologize to him for some reason when the issue in the first place was his behavior. I am never allowed to be upset or have an issue with him, he never admits he did something wrong.

THIS.

HE is a medical doctor.

HE rewrites history where it’s all my fault.

HE never accepts responsibility,

HE sure loves to be touched any other time.

Therapy would be a big waste because he never believes he is wrong, or lies about what he said.

I do love him, but I am sick of his behavior. I pray for days he works extra late.

Same here.
After four sessions of eloquent lies and games w other our $200/hour counselor I saw him as a certified liar and narcissistic. I filed for divorce six month later, he flipped a lid, the children are confused but I have no doubt that once they are older they will see through his BS and letdowns .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your marriage sounds ripe for serious couples counseling with the focus on communication issues. You can try leaving him as a PP did, and clearly that worked for her, but for some couples it could backfire and end up in a permanent split.

I'd sit down alone and think very hard about why you married him and what his positives are. That might help you see whether the communication issue is the sole or main problem or if more is going on. Tell him that you both (not just him) have a problem that needs a Doctor the same way you'd see a doctor if one of you were sick. If he refuses and cannot be objective enough even to see the problem, go to counseling or therapy on your own ASAP. But this may be something where you and he can learn to change the dynamic if you both will work with a professional. And do frame it as both of you getting help, not just him.

+1 We were not good at fighting (different communication styles, scorekeeping on both sides, bringing up everything we had been upset about in the last 6 months if anything came to a head) and did couples counseling before marriage. For a while we used it intensively -- the scripts and language tools and different bags of tricks for defusing situations -- but after 6 months or so we simply stopped fighting. Now if one of us gets upset it's handled pretty much immediately because the goal is getting back to a good place and not being right or winning (on both sides).

When the counselor was giving us scenarios and scripts to use it felt incredibly hokey to me, but the way it has changed our dynamic (which was never toxic to begin with) has been really remarkable.

Can you pls name your counselor?? Thanks

We went to Goli Bellinger at Keith Miller & Associates near Dupont. I can't stress enough how hokey I thought the whole thing was at the outset, but we committed to it for several months and our relationship is really solid now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sounds like he is also tired of you. maybe a 3rd party would help to figure out what's the root cause of this and to help to change the dynamic and put you guys back on the right track.

of course, that is only if you both want that.

If so, he is welcome to stop physical contact, sex, and compliments. He’s happy if I don’t rock the boat.

My spouse used to have one big explosive temper tantrum a month. You could tell he was yearning for an argument in order to let off work stress or whatever else he was bottling up and you could not prevent it. He’d power play a conversation and try to get me to act out his anger, often in front of the kids. If I didn’t take the bait he’d just explode in the evening. If I did it was some argument where he’d act like an utter asshole.

Then 24 hours later after greatly emanating heather relationship or trust was left, he’d send a sext msg. As if.
That and his twisted lies really solidified how F d up he was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband.

Every.single.time we have any type of disagreement, he storms away from me, refuses to talk to me, and basically acts like a child. I am just so sick of not being able to discuss things and let them go. He is no longer the man I married. And he calls me names and if I dare touch him, like on his shoulder to calm him down, he tells me to take my hands off him and not touch him. As long as I don’t rock the boat, he is fine. And it’s over the dumbest things too. I’m not blameless, but why go from zero to 100 over tiny disagreements. I am so sick of him.

Taking zero responsibilities for your actions is indeed unattractive.
Then to follow it up with gaslighting and anger, disturbing.
I hope you both do not have kids.

[Anonymous]

I have often heard this type of behavior coincides with a husband's preoccupation with something else - another woman, pornography, or other outside relationships that allow him to get away with avoiding the reality of his marriage vows. I could be totally wrong in this case - I am just repeating my research on the statistics. It's easy to put up walls to protect a hidden agenda, but it seems impossible to pull them down.

When a spouse has mastered the art of avoidance, and it hurts at deep levels. My husband avoids me because he is resisting God's urging to change his heart. https://bit.ly/2PL5jC4 I understand how you feel.

Do not give up, or compromise, being the wife God called you to be. Live out daily what you know to be the best method for showing unconditional love, honesty, and transparency, regardless of what he chooses to do with it. Your attempts to reconcile differences may just be magnifying his inability to be the man he knows he needs to be. It is between him and God now

Your "oldest child" has somehow strayed from his commitment to you and feels entitled to steer the marriage in such a way so the outcome is convenient and non confrontational for himself. If you know in your heart you have done everything humanly possible to reason with this man, then you can have a peace that you are not to blame for his behavior.

Have you considered going to see a pastor by yourself? Just to let someone support you? Please take care of yourself and don't be afraid to let someone qualified encourage you.

[Anonymous]

You are married to a narcissist. Get help now or it will only get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband.

Every.single.time we have any type of disagreement, he storms away from me, refuses to talk to me, and basically acts like a child. I am just so sick of not being able to discuss things and let them go. He is no longer the man I married. And he calls me names and if I dare touch him, like on his shoulder to calm him down, he tells me to take my hands off him and not touch him. As long as I don’t rock the boat, he is fine. And it’s over the dumbest things too. I’m not blameless, but why go from zero to 100 over tiny disagreements. I am so sick of him.

Don’t rock the boat then. What’s the problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all made your bed marrying these guys, so lie in it.

For those DHs that have "changed", you need to look at why they've changed and then look in the mirror to see if you're the cause of it. Real talk.

Yes, because it's always the wife's fault

There are other factors that enter into the marriage: fatherhood, home mortgages, increasingly demanding jobs, etc. It's not always the job of the wife to fix his problems; she's likely dealing with these same change factors herself.