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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You all made your bed marrying these guys, so lie in it.

For those DHs that have "changed", you need to look at why they've changed and then look in the mirror to see if you're the cause of it.  Real talk.[/quote]

New poster, but suffering from the same issues.
Here is an explanation:

1. My husband has always had ADHD. I did not know this when we met because he was a single man in a rental apartment, doing a PhD and had no other obligations. Everything was fine for the first few years.

2. When we gradually started to have more responsibilities (a house, children, health issues, care for older parents, finances, etc), he became increasingly unable to keep his temper, meet deadlines and manage his time. He has a low-stress job with flexible hours, because he was fired from the high-stress job with longer hours (he's been let go several times). Changes in routine stress him out. He deals with it by lashing out and becoming completely unreasonable. I've wondered whether he has hearing loss or early dementia! But no, he's perfectly able to hear and reason when he wants to.

This is CLASSIC for the older generation who was not diagnosed as children, compensated with their intelligence through much of their young adult lives, and only started suffering in middle age. Many of these people cannot accept that they have a problem, because during their formative years, mental health disorders were taboo. Those in denial are mostly men, they were brought up to lead and provide for their family, and it's difficult to come to terms with the fact that they need help. Combined with a mid-life crisis of the "I'm smart so why aren't I more successful?" variety, it creates a potential for a lot of anger and confusion.

The subtext in your question is that it's somehow the wives' fault. Please realize that this is a real issue with middle-aged men and ADHD, especially in this area that prizes success.

My husband and I are both research scientists. He can use the scientific method to approach many problems in his life, but apparently not this one. The bad faith and hypocrisy completely disgust me at this point and I no longer have any respect for him. I stay because I'm smart enough to see that it makes long-term financial sense for the children and myself, because he would not be a good parent to his children when left by himself during his custody time, and because he would naturally create a contentious and expensive divorce. The children trust and love me, and appreciate all the good in their father (but they don't trust him, no one could).

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