To wait for someone?

[Anonymous]

He’s lying to you. He wants the thrill of no-strings-attached sex with you when he’s in town (or you’re in town, or you’re both in Orlando or whatever).

In ten years, you will not trust him, he will not respect you, and you’ll have a bitter (possibly mentally unhealthy) ex-wife and bitter children (both of your children) to deal with. You will see them at weddings, funerals, graduations, and other family gatherings (if you are invited—see previous statement about not respecting you).

He will be poorer (because she will take half or more of their assets) and less virile (because he will be older), which means you won’t have sex to cover up the cracks in the relationship.

So you waste 10 years of your life, to find out that he is a total slob, or that his kids are spoiled brats, or that he is up to his eyeballs in credit card debt, or that your are just generally incompatible and then you feel stuck and resentful.

And all this is really best case scenario, and assuming neither she nor your employer finds out, despite you leaving a trail.

Find a new job and a local already-divorced FWB, and forget about this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s lying to you. He wants the thrill of no-strings-attached sex with you when he’s in town (or you’re in town, or you’re both in Orlando or whatever).

In ten years, you will not trust him, he will not respect you, and you’ll have a bitter (possibly mentally unhealthy) ex-wife and bitter children (both of your children) to deal with. You will see them at weddings, funerals, graduations, and other family gatherings (if you are invited—see previous statement about not respecting you).

He will be poorer (because she will take half or more of their assets) and less virile (because he will be older), which means you won’t have sex to cover up the cracks in the relationship.

So you waste 10 years of your life, to find out that he is a total slob, or that his kids are spoiled brats, or that he is up to his eyeballs in credit card debt, or that your are just generally incompatible and then you feel stuck and resentful.

And all this is really best case scenario, and assuming neither she nor your employer finds out, despite you leaving a trail.

Find a new job and a local already-divorced FWB, and forget about this guy.

Wow this is excellent. Did it happen to you? Very accurate.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I think my biggest conundrum is the wasting of my youth. I don’t want more kids, so it’s not the fertility thing, but there is a huge difference between 38 and 48 when re-entering the dating market. If I wait until my late 40s to see where this takes me and it doesn’t..... well.... But I also imagine that my next ten years are going to be super busy with my young kids growing up and typical parenting things too. I never planned to be doing those things alone (or should I say uncoupled?), but I am now and that is life. The idea of fitting in someone who is not him seems daunting. He’s pretty much the gold standard for me now.

Like him, I was in an abusive relationship. My divorce was rather high conflict. He looks at what I went through and sees it as even more of a cautionary tale. Where I got to my breaking point and knew I had to get out of my situation for me and my kids, all he sees is that if he tries that his wife will drag his his kids front and center through court battles for the next ten years. He thinks that by keeping to some measure of stays quo in the home he can keep the heat on him and keep the kids world relatively stable. I’m not going to go into their relationship here, but they do not have a good relationship. He and I have talked a lot about modeling good relationships for our kids and he knows what his kids are seeing isn’t good but he maintains that this is his best way to protect them every day.

[Anonymous]

Stay in it for the good sex only. The relationship has no future. He is another idiot, "waiting until the kids are old enough." Which is just an excuse to cover up that he has no balls to divorce her.

No parent is doing their seemingly fragile children any favors by staying in a bad marriage. Especially an abusive marriage. Those kids will be 18, then 21, then, "just need to wait until they are out of college and moved out of the house for good.."

[Anonymous]

Totally stay and devote yourself to him. Not a waste of time at all. He loves you, right? And he sounds like such a catch. And trust me, there are no decent unencumbered guys out there. He’s the best there is.

I am really having a hard time believing a woman who is attractive with high self esteem and a good job would even post this.

[Anonymous]

Wow if she actually is that abusive and he's staying. Think about that. How could someone with a soul do that to their kids?? If his goal is to raise victims and perpetrators by all means he should stay.

Seriously that attitude is awful. He is just as abusive to consciously decide to keep the kids in it.

I left an abuser and keeping the kids protected has been emotional hell. But I did it and do it every day.

He's lying and she's not abusive, he just knows you'll believe that and have empathy because of your own life. If she isn't the greatest mother maybe it's because the stress of life with a serial liar has her checked out.

He will not leave when they graduate high school. By then he will stay because the oldest is about to get married. Or he can't risk leaving the grandkid with exW.

Such crap. OP you have chemistry with him and you like that and he's safely at a distance and maybe you like that. Try therapy if you haven't already and trust that there truly are good guys out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think my biggest conundrum is the wasting of my youth. I don’t want more kids, so it’s not the fertility thing, but there is a huge difference between 38 and 48 when re-entering the dating market. If I wait until my late 40s to see where this takes me and it doesn’t..... well.... But I also imagine that my next ten years are going to be super busy with my young kids growing up and typical parenting things too. I never planned to be doing those things alone (or should I say uncoupled?), but I am now and that is life. The idea of fitting in someone who is not him seems daunting. He’s pretty much the gold standard for me now.

Like him, I was in an abusive relationship. My divorce was rather high conflict. He looks at what I went through and sees it as even more of a cautionary tale. Where I got to my breaking point and knew I had to get out of my situation for me and my kids, all he sees is that if he tries that his wife will drag his his kids front and center through court battles for the next ten years. He thinks that by keeping to some measure of stays quo in the home he can keep the heat on him and keep the kids world relatively stable. I’m not going to go into their relationship here, but they do not have a good relationship. He and I have talked a lot about modeling good relationships for our kids and he knows what his kids are seeing isn’t good but he maintains that this is his best way to protect them every day.

Well, you are either in limerence and not thinking clearly, or somewhat deranged. Your affair involves his children. You are harming them by distracting him. From his job as a father. You are complicit in whatever damage they incur, as innocent bystanders. Men do this ALL the time- portray spouse as bad or disappointing, get love from you who hasn’t had the hassle and problems of being married to him. You are a comfort woman. Don’t be involveled with this- it’s garbage. Consider it a hard lesson learned, before you waste anymore of your precious “youth”.

[Anonymous]

Move on.

You don't need an abusive wife or a potential abusive ex-wife in the picture. You are better than that.

If someone is not divorced, there is no need to date them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a relationship with someone who I feel very strongly about. We match on so many levels- intellectually, sense of humor, core values, life goals. I find him attractive and we have amazing sexual chemistry. We met through work though we live in different cities, and our paths cross every few months. We speak on the phone a few times a week. We rarely text (every once in a while when we haven’t seen each other in a while we’ll sext with pics), but we do communicate via email with lengthy exchanges most days.

The fatal flaw is that he is married. I am divorced, mom of three under twelve years old, shared custody, for frame of reference about me. The woman he’s married to is abusive and terrible. He will not leave until his children are grown for fear of putting them in the crossfire. The reports on her behavior are corroborated by things I’ve heard from others that know her but have no idea that he and I are in a relationship, so I 100% believe this. He has always from day 1 been up front with me about this. Believe me when I say I’m not being played on this. The killer is that his kids will not be grown and out of the house for ten years. That is a long time.

He’s the one who pursued me, but I was not hard to catch. It’s been almost a year now that we’ve been together. Where does this go from here? 10 years of the same? Then after 10 years we can find out if we can actually do this for real? Right now I feel like he spends just as much time reaching for me as he does pushing me away. I want this to work. I really want to be the one who steadfastly stood there and got to the finish line. I don’t want to do online dating when I have something I know can work....... in just.ten.years.

And before you ask, I have tons of self esteem, I’m active in my community, I have a lot of friends, I am attractive, I have a great job, I’m in my 30s...

I’m trying to find a way to wake up everyday being okay with this. I talk to him about it and he knows it weighs on me and he wishes he could give me more of what I want/need. It weighs on him too. So, what to do? Wait on it? Take it a day at a time? My entire body literally aches at the thought of not being connected to him somehow.

A lot can happen in ten years, OP.

He actually sounds a lot like me ten years ago. Abusive and disconnected dw, but fiercely devoted to my kids and unwilling to leave until they were "ready." Well, it's ten years later, the nest is nearly empty, DW hasn't changed, and I feel no more ready to explode my family than I did ten years ago. The reasons for me are many, but my point is this: there's a good chance he won't be the same person in ten years, and you'll have wasted a decade of your life waiting on the sidelines.

Believe me, I feel for you. I fell in love with someone else, and my heart still aches knowing I'll never have her, never have that connection with someone. It's gut wrenching, but I think you have to let him go, mourn, and try to move on. (Still working on that last part.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re involved with a guy whose wife is “abusive and terrible.” Think about how that’s going to play out for you when she discovers this affair. There’s nothing you can do to make the next 10 years bearable. Most likely they’ll be awful if you pursue this. Cut your losses.

Also, there's a reason he chose her to begin with. If he isn't mature enough to leave now, there may also be a reason he is staying other than the kids - which is the reason he tells himself. After 10 years and suddenly you are an available option - what's to guarantee that he will be attracted to you once you are truly available?

[Anonymous]

Op, all your blah-blah multiple paragraphs doesn't change anything --- you are scum.

[Anonymous]

I know very well that the heart wants what it wants.

And that we really cannot help who we fall in love with.

But this is a HUGE fatal flaw OP.
Note I said “fatal.”

This guy may or may not be abused by his wife.
We do not know if this is factual so one can only speculate.....

What we do know are the FACTS.
And the facts are:

• This person is legally married to someone & states that he is NOT going to leave his wife.

• This person is still sharing a marital bed w/his wife.

• This person is going outside of his marriage, something that reflects very negative on his character.

I wouldn’t wait an entire decade for him.
You don’t know for sure if he will ever leave his wife nor do you know if there is a strong compatibility factor between you two or not since you see him like what...??....
Four times a year??!

I know it’s hard to imagine your life w/out this man in it.
But by continuing to be strung along by him -
You are definitely short-changing yourself HUGE in life.

Find yourself an available man, one w/integrity + values.

You can do it.
Do not let this rat win!

I am wishing you only the best.

[Anonymous]

A spineless rat, at that.

OP, what will you do? The collective wisdom of DCUM is strong, when it chooses to share truths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a relationship with someone who I feel very strongly about. We match on so many levels- intellectually, sense of humor, core values, life goals. I find him attractive and we have amazing sexual chemistry. We met through work though we live in different cities, and our paths cross every few months. We speak on the phone a few times a week. We rarely text (every once in a while when we haven’t seen each other in a while we’ll sext with pics), but we do communicate via email with lengthy exchanges most days.

The fatal flaw is that he is married. I am divorced, mom of three under twelve years old, shared custody, for frame of reference about me. The woman he’s married to is abusive and terrible. He will not leave until his children are grown for fear of putting them in the crossfire. The reports on her behavior are corroborated by things I’ve heard from others that know her but have no idea that he and I are in a relationship, so I 100% believe this. He has always from day 1 been up front with me about this. Believe me when I say I’m not being played on this. The killer is that his kids will not be grown and out of the house for ten years. That is a long time.

He’s the one who pursued me, but I was not hard to catch. It’s been almost a year now that we’ve been together. Where does this go from here? 10 years of the same? Then after 10 years we can find out if we can actually do this for real? Right now I feel like he spends just as much time reaching for me as he does pushing me away. I want this to work. I really want to be the one who steadfastly stood there and got to the finish line. I don’t want to do online dating when I have something I know can work....... in just.ten.years.

And before you ask, I have tons of self esteem, I’m active in my community, I have a lot of friends, I am attractive, I have a great job, I’m in my 30s...

I’m trying to find a way to wake up everyday being okay with this. I talk to him about it and he knows it weighs on me and he wishes he could give me more of what I want/need. It weighs on him too. So, what to do? Wait on it? Take it a day at a time? My entire body literally aches at the thought of not being connected to him somehow.

A lot can happen in ten years, OP.

He actually sounds a lot like me ten years ago. Abusive and disconnected dw, but fiercely devoted to my kids and unwilling to leave until they were "ready." Well, it's ten years later, the nest is nearly empty, DW hasn't changed, and I feel no more ready to explode my family than I did ten years ago. The reasons for me are many, but my point is this: there's a good chance he won't be the same person in ten years, and you'll have wasted a decade of your life waiting on the sidelines.

Believe me, I feel for you. I fell in love with someone else, and my heart still aches knowing I'll never have her, never have that connection with someone. It's gut wrenching, but I think you have to let him go, mourn, and try to move on. (Still working on that last part.)

OP, if you take only one of these responses to heart, let this one be the one. Do not spend 10 years waiting on someone.

[Anonymous]

You might have a ton of self esteem, but you lack few screws in your brain. The woman he is married to is abusive and terrible? And he is just dandy and not abusive while cheating left and right? You do realize that cheaters almost always blame the person they are cheating on for their cheating? And become defensive and nasty to their spouse? Stop being stupid. I hate stupid women like you, who will put up with any crap, you are the reason women can't get ahead in equality. High self esteem my something. How about you stop being a doormat?