To wait for someone?

[Anonymous]

I’m in a relationship with someone who I feel very strongly about. We match on so many levels- intellectually, sense of humor, core values, life goals. I find him attractive and we have amazing sexual chemistry. We met through work though we live in different cities, and our paths cross every few months. We speak on the phone a few times a week. We rarely text (every once in a while when we haven’t seen each other in a while we’ll sext with pics), but we do communicate via email with lengthy exchanges most days.

The fatal flaw is that he is married. I am divorced, mom of three under twelve years old, shared custody, for frame of reference about me. The woman he’s married to is abusive and terrible. He will not leave until his children are grown for fear of putting them in the crossfire. The reports on her behavior are corroborated by things I’ve heard from others that know her but have no idea that he and I are in a relationship, so I 100% believe this. He has always from day 1 been up front with me about this. Believe me when I say I’m not being played on this. The killer is that his kids will not be grown and out of the house for ten years. That is a long time.

He’s the one who pursued me, but I was not hard to catch. It’s been almost a year now that we’ve been together. Where does this go from here? 10 years of the same? Then after 10 years we can find out if we can actually do this for real? Right now I feel like he spends just as much time reaching for me as he does pushing me away. I want this to work. I really want to be the one who steadfastly stood there and got to the finish line. I don’t want to do online dating when I have something I know can work....... in just.ten.years.

And before you ask, I have tons of self esteem, I’m active in my community, I have a lot of friends, I am attractive, I have a great job, I’m in my 30s...

I’m trying to find a way to wake up everyday being okay with this. I talk to him about it and he knows it weighs on me and he wishes he could give me more of what I want/need. It weighs on him too. So, what to do? Wait on it? Take it a day at a time? My entire body literally aches at the thought of not being connected to him somehow.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. Why do you want a man with a wife and kids? Is it because your own marriage failed? You sound pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Move on. This guy has a lot to work through.

[Anonymous]

You’re involved with a guy whose wife is “abusive and terrible.” Think about how that’s going to play out for you when she discovers this affair. There’s nothing you can do to make the next 10 years bearable. Most likely they’ll be awful if you pursue this. Cut your losses.

[Anonymous]

"And before you ask, I have tons of self esteem, I’m active in my community, I have a lot of friends, I am attractive, I have a great job, I’m in my 30s..."

Are you trying to convince yourself? You are hitching your wagon to a train wreck. Like drama?

[Anonymous]

This will never work. And no, you don't have self-esteem even if you tell yourself that.

[Anonymous]

find someone else, this is a recipe for disaster

[Anonymous]

I don’t question that his wife is abusive but I do question this guy’s reasoning for staying with her for the next 10 years. This is a complicated situation you’re in the middle of and you are the one who will lose.

[Anonymous]

Nope, this sounds like a train wreck - and if he's lying to his wife about whether or not he's having an affair, there's no question he's lying to you about at least some things - possibly including his wife's "abusiveness" (it justifies his affair in his mind and yours).

[Anonymous]

Texting and emails are evidence. Are you trying to get caught?

Reality check....you do not even live in the same city. You do not have a real relationship. You have chemistry.... when it’s day to day that will fade and the relationship won’t last. Don’t waste your youth. At the very least start dating others.

[Anonymous]

Want to bet he is still sleeping with his abusive wife.

[Anonymous]

As you mentioned, you would be waiting 10 years to see if what you have COULD be real. He might finally divorce his wife and want to be relationship free and not go from marriage to serious dating just to have freedom. He might also think he needs some time to get himself counseling etc finally being out of an abusive relationship.

Why would you put your life on hold for what may not even happen instead of living your life and trying to find someone that is available now. If you haven’t found someone else in 10 years and he is available then, you know where to find each other.

[Anonymous]

Stopped reading at the “he’s married” paragraph.

[Anonymous]

Work on yourself. Nobody in their right mind would think this is a good idea. Plus he is lying to you about his wife. You CAN do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a relationship with someone who I feel very strongly about. We match on so many levels- intellectually, sense of humor, core values, life goals. I find him attractive and we have amazing sexual chemistry. We met through work though we live in different cities, and our paths cross every few months. We speak on the phone a few times a week. We rarely text (every once in a while when we haven’t seen each other in a while we’ll sext with pics), but we do communicate via email with lengthy exchanges most days.

The fatal flaw is that he is married. I am divorced, mom of three under twelve years old, shared custody, for frame of reference about me. The woman he’s married to is abusive and terrible. He will not leave until his children are grown for fear of putting them in the crossfire. The reports on her behavior are corroborated by things I’ve heard from others that know her but have no idea that he and I are in a relationship, so I 100% believe this. He has always from day 1 been up front with me about this. Believe me when I say I’m not being played on this. The killer is that his kids will not be grown and out of the house for ten years. That is a long time.

He’s the one who pursued me, but I was not hard to catch. It’s been almost a year now that we’ve been together. Where does this go from here? 10 years of the same? Then after 10 years we can find out if we can actually do this for real? Right now I feel like he spends just as much time reaching for me as he does pushing me away. I want this to work. I really want to be the one who steadfastly stood there and got to the finish line. I don’t want to do online dating when I have something I know can work....... in just.ten.years.

And before you ask, I have tons of self esteem, I’m active in my community, I have a lot of friends, I am attractive, I have a great job, I’m in my 30s...

I’m trying to find a way to wake up everyday being okay with this. I talk to him about it and he knows it weighs on me and he wishes he could give me more of what I want/need. It weighs on him too. So, what to do? Wait on it? Take it a day at a time? My entire body literally aches at the thought of not being connected to him somehow.

Hi OP. I was in a similar situation to you. Eventually the complexity and stress of it wore out the loving part. Now I am with a local person who is unencumbered, and I enjoy it for what it is, but also in contrast to my previous complicated yet intense relationship. Complex guy thought the intensity of our connection was going to carry us through until he launched his kids to college. But it didn’t. One morning I woke up and was literally done. It just passed, like an illness or something. I know if you are really in love it will be hard to end it before you are over it, so do what’s kindest to yourself. I will say that finding a local and free person with same level of connection is so much better, and very possible for you. You can stay affectionate friends with this person, if you want to. But being life partners is too hard, especially since neither of you are probably willing to give up being close to the kids, unpleasant ex or not.

If she is truly abusive, he needs to take responsibility for that and protect himself and his kids first. A second relationship with you will distract him from his first responsibility. Just tell him you love him but need to let him go to get his family taken care of.