Minor rant: in Europe with completely useless in laws and a toddler

[Anonymous]

What exactly do you expect them to do for you when your toddler is having a tantrum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What did you expect, OP? They haven't gone abroad before and presumably weren't helpful with the kid in the past.

I don't expect anyone to help me unless I have confirmed with them that they will do X, Y, Z.

Yes, what did you expect? And do you regularly expect them to be your kid's babysitter?

No not at all. They offered to babysit “every night” and now do nothing but complain. “I can’t watch my shows. The room is cold. I don’t have my drinks.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do you expect them to do for you when your toddler is having a tantrum?

Exactly what they do when we’re in the US: try to distract her with something, just ask “can I help?” They usually at least try to help.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP, dealing with complainers is draining. What is your DH doing to deal with them? If anything, make him go with the toddler and his parents for a day, and you go do something fun as a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IL's like yours on a first time trip overseas usually go on tours where everything is done for them because they are basically clueless about how to get around. Have they complained about how late people eat? They will when they get to Rome! And why doesn't everyone speak English? Those damn Italians! Good luck!

Well, in Rome, nearly everyone they'll come in contact with will speak English, so that won't be a big issue.

Honestly, if I were your in-laws and taking my first trip abroad, I can't imagine wanting to go with adult kid, spouse, and toddler. I would think they'd want to have some couple time for themselves in two of the most romantic cities in the world. Can you suggest that they might enjoy some days and/or evenings for themselves?

Maybe that is what they'd prefer but they think your feelings will be hurt if they suggest that? You all can spend some separate time and then come together for a lunch or dinner, so a combo of alone time and together time so you all can enjoy the activities you like best.

OP here. We’ve suggested that to them and they say “oh we would have no idea where to go or what to do.” They got lost trying to do a hop on/hop off bus tour and said they were afraid they’d be out all night by themselves. They did afternoon tea on their own because we arranged the whole thing for them. They were actually ridiculously excited to go with us and the baby.

Why did they agree to go on this trip at all? Who is paying for it? Was there a purpose for the trip, other than simply vacationing in Europe? Is there a special anniversary or birthday that you all are celebrating together? How old are they: 60s, 70s, older?

Also, why is it that they haven't traveled much? Lack of interest or were they saving money and taking care of their children's needs all those years?
Sorry for all the questions, but you might get different helpful suggestions depending on the different possible situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IL's like yours on a first time trip overseas usually go on tours where everything is done for them because they are basically clueless about how to get around. Have they complained about how late people eat? They will when they get to Rome! And why doesn't everyone speak English? Those damn Italians! Good luck!

Well, in Rome, nearly everyone they'll come in contact with will speak English, so that won't be a big issue.

Honestly, if I were your in-laws and taking my first trip abroad, I can't imagine wanting to go with adult kid, spouse, and toddler. I would think they'd want to have some couple time for themselves in two of the most romantic cities in the world. Can you suggest that they might enjoy some days and/or evenings for themselves?

Maybe that is what they'd prefer but they think your feelings will be hurt if they suggest that? You all can spend some separate time and then come together for a lunch or dinner, so a combo of alone time and together time so you all can enjoy the activities you like best.

OP here. We’ve suggested that to them and they say “oh we would have no idea where to go or what to do.” They got lost trying to do a hop on/hop off bus tour and said they were afraid they’d be out all night by themselves. They did afternoon tea on their own because we arranged the whole thing for them. They were actually ridiculously excited to go with us and the baby.

Why did they agree to go on this trip at all? Who is paying for it? Was there a purpose for the trip, other than simply vacationing in Europe? Is there a special anniversary or birthday that you all are celebrating together? How old are they: 60s, 70s, older?

Also, why is it that they haven't traveled much? Lack of interest or were they saving money and taking care of their children's needs all those years?
Sorry for all the questions, but you might get different helpful suggestions depending on the different possible situations.

Everyone is paying their own way. DH suggested it to them. They haven’t gone because “it’s too expensive and we wouldn’t know how to plan anything.” They’re 65. They’re enjoying seeing things, but just no end to complaining about the logistics and traveling around. Then there are comments from my MIL about the British Museum: “everything was old and it all looked the same to me.”

[Anonymous]

I was in charge of shepherding my parents and my aunts and uncles around Europe. 6 adults over the age of 65.

I knew what I was signing up for but I still joked with DH how completely useless and utterly helpless they were. I joked it was like as soon as they stepped foot onto their airplane they each turned off their brains. I might as well have been keeping track of 8 children (my 2 kids were there as well).

Now. I loved it. I loved being in charge, which I bet you do too. But...the second something went a little wrong and I had to scramble I did get annoyed and resentful.

Please just be understanding of where they are coming from. They are so happy to turn off their brains and enjoy what you show them. Someone has to be a leader.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have never signed up for this with my ILs! I would have gone crazy! Kudos to you, OP.

I would start being more assertive and delegate specific things for them to do. I would also come up with plans yourself. It will be easier since you know what your toddler can handle.

Suggest a couple things you can do separately so you can have some breaks from one another. Maybe they take a historic tour while the 3 of you visit a kids museum and then everyone meets up for dinner. They go shopping while the 3 of you visit the park.

Maybe even head of for a couple hours by yourself to catch a break.

And as annoying as it may be that they will only watch the toddler if your DH can find their TV shows, just be grateful that you get the free babysitting and a break from them too!

Great idea, if we can convince them they can do things on their own! I posted above that they got lost on a bus tour. I don’t know how that’s possible but it happened!

Oh and this whole thing was DH’s idea. I had my suspicions it would turn into us playing tour operator.

Honestly, let them get a little lost. They are grown adults and can figure it out. I would set up as much as possible and give them as much information as possible to get them started but I would try to not let it stress me out when they cannot manage something so simple. I mean, honestly, it would stress me out and annoy me but I would be doing my best to let it go and remember that they can’t be as helpless as they portray themselves to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in charge of shepherding my parents and my aunts and uncles around Europe. 6 adults over the age of 65.

I knew what I was signing up for but I still joked with DH how completely useless and utterly helpless they were. I joked it was like as soon as they stepped foot onto their airplane they each turned off their brains. I might as well have been keeping track of 8 children (my 2 kids were there as well).

Now. I loved it. I loved being in charge, which I bet you do too. But...the second something went a little wrong and I had to scramble I did get annoyed and resentful.

Please just be understanding of where they are coming from. They are so happy to turn off their brains and enjoy what you show them. Someone has to be a leader.

Yes! This is exactly it. On the one hand, I don’t mind leading sometimes. On the other hand, it gets tiresome to have to do 100% leading all the time! DH helps, but I have become the navigator. I feel like I need one of those little flags on a pole and a bullhorn, like a tour operator.

[Anonymous]

They're probably feeling like fish out of water, OP. They've never traveled abroad before and probably feel uneasy or unsure of themselves over how different things are. Some people get excited about experiencing new things; others get uncomfortable. Sounds like your ILs are the latter, and they're dealing with it by complaining and sticking close to you guys. Not uncommon for older people. Accept that you're not going to get much help from them on this trip, try to enjoy the rest of your time, and don't ever travel with them again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP, dealing with complainers is draining. What is your DH doing to deal with them? If anything, make him go with the toddler and his parents for a day, and you go do something fun as a break.

OP is complaining just as much. The ice thing is an odd thing to get upset over. Most restaurants will happily give you ice if you ask. It's not unusual any more than it is when people from overseas come to the US and request no ice. Unless you are in the middle of nowhere, restaurants are accustomed to travellers.

Your toddler is your responsibility. I would find it odd if my in-laws jumped in if one of my kids was tantruming. I have a great relationship with my MIL. She would never step in and start parenting my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP, dealing with complainers is draining. What is your DH doing to deal with them? If anything, make him go with the toddler and his parents for a day, and you go do something fun as a break.

OP is complaining just as much. The ice thing is an odd thing to get upset over. Most restaurants will happily give you ice if you ask. It's not unusual any more than it is when people from overseas come to the US and request no ice. Unless you are in the middle of nowhere, restaurants are accustomed to travellers.

Your toddler is your responsibility. I would find it odd if my in-laws jumped in if one of my kids was tantruming. I have a great relationship with my MIL. She would never step in and start parenting my child.

I'm the PP above. OP is complaining to anonymous ppl on the Internet. Her ILs are complaining to her face, so no, it is not the same thing. I'd be ticked too.

[Anonymous]

You are not a good person, OP. Just be nice to your in laws, not everybody is good at finding their way abroad, you're younger and can help.

They don't owe you any babysitting. Just get a sitter if you need time off your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IL's like yours on a first time trip overseas usually go on tours where everything is done for them because they are basically clueless about how to get around. Have they complained about how late people eat? They will when they get to Rome! And why doesn't everyone speak English? Those damn Italians! Good luck!

Well, in Rome, nearly everyone they'll come in contact with will speak English, so that won't be a big issue.

Honestly, if I were your in-laws and taking my first trip abroad, I can't imagine wanting to go with adult kid, spouse, and toddler. I would think they'd want to have some couple time for themselves in two of the most romantic cities in the world. Can you suggest that they might enjoy some days and/or evenings for themselves?

Maybe that is what they'd prefer but they think your feelings will be hurt if they suggest that? You all can spend some separate time and then come together for a lunch or dinner, so a combo of alone time and together time so you all can enjoy the activities you like best.

OP here. We’ve suggested that to them and they say “oh we would have no idea where to go or what to do.” They got lost trying to do a hop on/hop off bus tour and said they were afraid they’d be out all night by themselves. They did afternoon tea on their own because we arranged the whole thing for them. They were actually ridiculously excited to go with us and the baby.

Why did they agree to go on this trip at all? Who is paying for it? Was there a purpose for the trip, other than simply vacationing in Europe? Is there a special anniversary or birthday that you all are celebrating together? How old are they: 60s, 70s, older?

Also, why is it that they haven't traveled much? Lack of interest or were they saving money and taking care of their children's needs all those years?
Sorry for all the questions, but you might get different helpful suggestions depending on the different possible situations.

Everyone is paying their own way. DH suggested it to them. They haven’t gone because “it’s too expensive and we wouldn’t know how to plan anything.” They’re 65. They’re enjoying seeing things, but just no end to complaining about the logistics and traveling around. Then there are comments from my MIL about the British Museum: “everything was old and it all looked the same to me.”

Well, I can see that if this wasn't done on their own initiative, they might just not be that interested in travel. And that's fine, but now you're sort of stuck for two weeks. They really shouldn't have ever agreed to go on the trip if they weren't that into it, it is not fair to you or them.

Just make the best of it. Take pictures, keep a journal that includes the funny things they say, breathe a sigh of relief when it's over. My dad apparently decided that his mom needed to travel so he and my mom took her on a few trips before they had kids. I'm not sure she really loved it, but they all had some nice memories of the trip, and some cute stories. So, maybe just look at it as doing a good deed, even if it turns out that it really isn't their thing. People like and dislike different things, and maybe travel is just in their "dislike" column, and that's okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not a good person, OP. Just be nice to your in laws, not everybody is good at finding their way abroad, you're younger and can help.

They don't owe you any babysitting. Just get a sitter if you need time off your kid.

Umm ... ok. They offered to babysit. We didn’t ask. I’ve been extremely nice to them. I organized all the logistics of the trip, down to every detail of the itinerary, based on their preferences.