Minor rant: in Europe with completely useless in laws and a toddler
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Anonymous
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One week into a two week trip to London and Rome with DH, his parents, and our 2 year old. We knew his parents hadn’t gone abroad before and spent their lives in the suburbs, but weren’t expecting them to be as useless as they are in helping with navigating or with the toddler. Example: DH had to do some work, so he stayed back at the hotel and the rest of us went out. I got a little turned around trying to find our bus stop and they literally just stood there saying and doing nothing while I tried to figure out where we needed to go. If DD is having a tantrum about something, they will also just stand and offer no assistance whatsoever.
They offered to babysit, which was great, but only did it if DH figured out how they could watch their TV shows on his laptop. MIL is also constantly complaining about the lack of ice in her drinks. This has become a huge issue. Anyway, I know things could be much worse, but it’s frustrating feeling like we’re their tour operators. |
Anonymous
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What did you expect, OP? They haven't gone abroad before and presumably weren't helpful with the kid in the past. I don't expect anyone to help me unless I have confirmed with them that they will do X, Y, Z. |
Anonymous
| Delegate better. When you are looking for bustop ask dad to bring up google maps. Ask mom to look for street signs. Pass the baby off. Give them tasks. Tomorrow mom can figure out the best way to get to xyz place. Dad is in charge of finding lunch. |
Anonymous
Yeah we’ll have to do that. Otherwise they just stand there and say “oh we don’t know how to do it...” |
Anonymous
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Re: Ice: DH needs to nip that complaining by showing mom an article I can't link, but he can get by searching
"Smithsonian magazine why don't other countries use ice cubes" He can then tell his mom, with a big smile plastered on his face, it's part of the exciting, different being-abroad experience; she isn't going to get those cubes (though city restaurants often provide them, but only if asked); and she's free to drink nothing but room temp bottled water the rest of the trip. Next time she starts to mention ice, he can say every time: "Your American inflexibility is showing, and it's not a good look," then he needs to change the topic instantly. As far as helping out--was that expectation ever clearly articulated to them before the trip? Now that you're on the trip, are you or DH ever asking outright for specific help in the moment, or are you hoping they'll see the need and step up in the moment? I agree with you that I'd expect adults to step in--but they may be the kind of people who wait to be asked because they think it's imposing or "getting in the way" if they take initiative to help. My mom and her friends of her generation tended to think they would be seen by us adult children as "interfering" or "seeming to doubt you" if they leaped in, but were very helpful if asked and given specific tasks. I agree with your frustration, OP! But I'd just step back and ask if I were expecting things to be offered that I could get by simply asking. |
Anonymous
| IL's like yours on a first time trip overseas usually go on tours where everything is done for them because they are basically clueless about how to get around. Have they complained about how late people eat? They will when they get to Rome! And why doesn't everyone speak English? Those damn Italians! Good luck! |
Anonymous
Yup, my guess without knowing them would be that they are stumped and trying to stay out of the way. Always give yourself a minute to focus and think about what you need, and then delegate what you can. If you need a break, can you drop them at the hotel "for a rest" and take yourself out for a solo walk/cup of coffee? |
Anonymous
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A two week vacation abroad with your ILs who don't regularly travel.
Were you actually high when you agreed to this OP???? There is no way on earth that was going to go well. None. Get through it and don't agree to something like that again. |
Anonymous
| Tell them they look like obnoxious Americans demanding ice in everything. Make sure they know it’s an American thing to do it, not a European thing to not do it. |
Anonymous
Well, in Rome, nearly everyone they'll come in contact with will speak English, so that won't be a big issue. Honestly, if I were your in-laws and taking my first trip abroad, I can't imagine wanting to go with adult kid, spouse, and toddler. I would think they'd want to have some couple time for themselves in two of the most romantic cities in the world. Can you suggest that they might enjoy some days and/or evenings for themselves? Maybe that is what they'd prefer but they think your feelings will be hurt if they suggest that? You all can spend some separate time and then come together for a lunch or dinner, so a combo of alone time and together time so you all can enjoy the activities you like best. |
Anonymous
OP here. We’ve suggested that to them and they say “oh we would have no idea where to go or what to do.” They got lost trying to do a hop on/hop off bus tour and said they were afraid they’d be out all night by themselves. They did afternoon tea on their own because we arranged the whole thing for them. They were actually ridiculously excited to go with us and the baby. |
Anonymous
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I would have never signed up for this with my ILs! I would have gone crazy! Kudos to you, OP.
I would start being more assertive and delegate specific things for them to do. I would also come up with plans yourself. It will be easier since you know what your toddler can handle. Suggest a couple things you can do separately so you can have some breaks from one another. Maybe they take a historic tour while the 3 of you visit a kids museum and then everyone meets up for dinner. They go shopping while the 3 of you visit the park. Maybe even head of for a couple hours by yourself to catch a break. And as annoying as it may be that they will only watch the toddler if your DH can find their TV shows, just be grateful that you get the free babysitting and a break from them too! |
Anonymous
The ice thing is so annoying. This morning she said she didn’t want bottled water, but had to have an iced coffee drink. The great bakery we found said it’s not doing iced drinks anymore because it’s October, so we all went to a Starbucks so she could get her iced coffee. Then she complained they put too much ice in it (“why is it all wet and there’s so much ice?”) As for the toddler: they are very involved with her when we’ve seen them before. I don’t know why they’ve been offering no help on this trip. |
Anonymous
Great idea, if we can convince them they can do things on their own! I posted above that they got lost on a bus tour. I don’t know how that’s possible but it happened! Oh and this whole thing was DH’s idea. I had my suspicions it would turn into us playing tour operator. |
Anonymous
Yes, what did you expect? And do you regularly expect them to be your kid's babysitter? |