Have you told your spouse about your sexual assault?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your responses and advice. It’s not a new relationship, we’ve been together for awhile and our talking marriage. I’ve been intimate with him and I trust him. I do want to tell him just because I think he should know. Just not sure how ready I am to do it.

Would you feel more comfortable putting your thoughts in a letter. Give it to him and then stay there while he reads it. You can then start a dialogue from there.

[Anonymous]

my H who is 50 just told me and his family about his sexual by his older cousin. His family told him families forgive so he has the choice of going to family parties with the rapist or not going. His family basically stood by the rapist.

He knows about the time the boy locked me in room and tried to rape me but I got away.

I never told him or anybody about my best friends boyfriend who had sex with me while I was asleep.

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

M here. No I have not. I met my wife in my mid 30's. I had dealt with the issues when I was in my late 20's.

Once or twice I tried to tell her, but she did not want to here it. The abusers were older kids in my neighborhood (when I was about 5 to 8).

In my 20's, I had isolated myself from the world because I did not want to hurt anyone. I kept hearing that abuse begets abuse, and did not want to do that. Then one day, my downstairs neighbor had an emergency, and asked me to watch her 7 yo daughter. Nothing happened. Except I discovered that kids can be cool, and I felt angered that I had been deprived of that.

A downward spiral and I crashed. A suicide attempt led to me getting help.

Wife does not know anything about that. I have tried to tell her at times. In hindsight, I should have realized the inability of her to hear was a huge warning flag.

I do feel isolated and trapped again. I mean, on the surface, I have a perfect life. A teen that I adore, a job that is fun and pays well. Everyone things I am happy. But, I was secretly hoping for the cancer to return (I am a survivor).

[Anonymous]

OP. Do you think the sexual assault currently impacts your life or your relationship? Sometimes it is easier to talk about and easier for the other person to hear and make sense of if it has a connection to something beyond the traumatic event. That way you share how it impacts, the other person has something tangible to refer to and speak to.

If it isn't connected to your life and relationship now, then the other person can start to worry about everything they say and do and wonder if it is the wrong thing or if it bothers you.

[Anonymous]

I told my wife about the kid in 8th grade who was friends with some of my friends and used to hit me. On one occasion, the guy was chasing me around a room with his penis hanging out of his pants.

Not sexual harassment, but in college there were two separate occasions where men physically assaulted me seriously enough that I had to go to the hospital. (Once for a broken nose with blood affecting my vision and another for a tear below my lip requiring stitches.

She was never particularly sympathetic to this level of violence that just seems to be part of growing up as a boy. (Somehow it was significant to her that it was other men and not women dishing out the violence.)

[Anonymous]

To 05:44 thank you for sharing. Your story resonates with me. I have a history that I have come to just speak about in as matter-of-fact a tone as possible. I decided that I wanted to arm my teen and speak as candidly as possible about things like porn, sex trafficking, enthusiastic consent, date rapes, rape culture, slut shaming, masturbation, unplanned pregnancy and sti's, as well as relationships and pressure. These candid on-going conversations had led me to divulge in as matter-of-fact a tone as possible my own history of abuse (and taught/learned victimhood in my circumstances). This honesty about my life (not gory details but the experiences of powerlessness, being prey, surviving violence) has made me feel more ....whole. I hope you find space to have all parts of you recognized and for none of them to be repulsive to those you love. Sending warmth

[Anonymous]

Yes my husband knows. I can’t remember exactly when I told him but I told him who and when. My situation is very similar to the Kavaaugh story except I was in college but it involves two guys I had grown up with and sometimes i occasionally see them in social settings. One won’t even look me in the eye, he knows I remember.

[Anonymous]

No. We have been married 29 years. No one knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:M here. No I have not. I met my wife in my mid 30's. I had dealt with the issues when I was in my late 20's.

Once or twice I tried to tell her, but she did not want to here it. The abusers were older kids in my neighborhood (when I was about 5 to 8).

In my 20's, I had isolated myself from the world because I did not want to hurt anyone. I kept hearing that abuse begets abuse, and did not want to do that. Then one day, my downstairs neighbor had an emergency, and asked me to watch her 7 yo daughter. Nothing happened. Except I discovered that kids can be cool, and I felt angered that I had been deprived of that.

A downward spiral and I crashed. A suicide attempt led to me getting help.

Wife does not know anything about that. I have tried to tell her at times. In hindsight, I should have realized the inability of her to hear was a huge warning flag.

I do feel isolated and trapped again. I mean, on the surface, I have a perfect life. A teen that I adore, a job that is fun and pays well. Everyone things I am happy. But, I was secretly hoping for the cancer to return (I am a survivor).

Big hug.

[Anonymous]

Yes and no. I didn’t tell him about a high school boyfriend assaulting me. I did tell him about being molested as a child because the memories started resurfacing after some family trauma. I told him parts of what I remember. It was too traumatic for me to even remember the whole thing at once, much less speak about it. I had to tell him something though because it was horrifying to have flashbacks, especially during sexual encounters. I really wish I could push the memories back down into the abyss and pretend it never happened.

[Anonymous]

Nope

[Anonymous]

Yes but only after 10-15 years of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Pls explain why you wouldn’t tell your spouse? It’s a pretty big thing that affected you? Why be ashamed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pls explain why you wouldn’t tell your spouse? It’s a pretty big thing that affected you? Why be ashamed?

This is so offensive. For some people it is very painful to talk about. Go away.