What’s going on here?

[Anonymous]

You asked for advice. Re-read the second to last sentence of your post. That’s the advice you should follow!

[Anonymous]

The best strategy for men is to have a wife at home and have a fling on the side. The worst strategy for men is to be a cuckold. You will become a part of the best strategy for your boss and the worst strategy for your own husband at home. Your husband will divorce you. Your boss will never leave his wife and his kids. Is this what you want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks everyone for your candid replies. Looking back was i guess a few weeks ago when he requested to follow me on Instagram (i'm a private account) and low and behold everything i post is liked.

So there's no other scenario right? I've got a dog for a boss posing as a nice guy that is going to look for something in return for my promotion?

The risk seems so high (as stated several times by PP's) - this just makes no sense to me. And of course his DW is a very well read and accomplished woman in her field so I just don't get it.

What has happened is that it's made me look at my DH in another way - I'm seeing all of his flaws - I don't like thinking this way but i'm comparing. I'm being 100% honest because this is all just making me nuts. We're launching a huge project so I'm working crazy hours (w him of course) so I feel like my common sense roadmap is upside down.

I think there is another scenario. He's comfortable with who he is and he really likes your personality and your work ethic. It is possible to be friendly and enjoy people you work with without sleeping with them. If you want to test it, find a reason to mention your husband whenever he's getting chatty.

""oh, haha, Larlo says the same thing"
"really, wait til I tell Larlo about that. He loves those things."

One of 2 things will happen:

You will notice no change

Or

He will start to shutdown a little when you mention your DH


If nothing changes, it's likely his personality and you are just reading things into it. Mentioning you DH will be your constant wake up call that you can't screw up your life. As soon as you realize it's his personality, you will relax, the sexual tension will disappear and things will begin to feel more normal.

If he starts to act differently in reaction to your DH mentions, now you know you need to be on alert and your instincts were correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently started a new high level exec position under a dynamic leader that is pleasantly an excellent and inspiring boss as well as a great person to be around. We’re both early 40’s married w young kids and have a lot in commom interest wise (music, sense of humor etc). I’ve been at this position about 6 months but recently have felt a shift in our relationship - or maybe i’m crazy and imagining it but I am picking up on some levels of chemistry/tension. Lots of texts at all hours (always work related but end up being “chatty”) and weekend check-ins or excuses to join me in cars or at meetings he doesn’t necessarily have to attend. It’s starting to do my head in because I feel like maybe I have feelings too if this is what is happening but I know i’m not the most attractive (i’m ok but do have a 2 year old and have just recently started getting myself back in shape) woman in the office so I am boomeranging from being 100% sure i’m getting vibes to then thinking i’m an idiot.

He just let me know yesterday that i’m being promoted to VP and that he wants us to work more closely on big projects and that i have a lot of future at the company.

I really like working here and and also love my husband very much. I never, ever even considered cheating (or have even looked twice at any other man) in the 7 years we’ve been together so I feel like I’ve been side swipped by all of this the past month or so. What the hell is going on? I keep telling myself to snap out of it and just be happy i’m at a job i love (for once!) and concentrate on my husband and toddler.

Any advice would be helpful. Thanks!

You would bang this man in a heartbeat.

Marriage sounds awesome. Where do I sign up?

[Anonymous]

Go ahead and bang the guy and wreck your marriage and your career. Is that what you want? Because that is what will happen.

[Anonymous]

Does he just think you are a good worker?

[Anonymous]

DO. NOT. Cross this line. You cannot undo it. It would be a colossal eff up

[ahclem]

Have you ever heard the phrase "Don't [defecate] where you eat"? It applies here. You need a good, intellectually-challenging career & the money that goes with it. You may or may not need the emotional high of having an affair. I'm not going to pass judgement on the latter--who am I to judge? But no matter what, keep the two separate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks everyone for your candid replies. Looking back was i guess a few weeks ago when he requested to follow me on Instagram (i'm a private account) and low and behold everything i post is liked.

So there's no other scenario right? I've got a dog for a boss posing as a nice guy that is going to look for something in return for my promotion?

The risk seems so high (as stated several times by PP's) - this just makes no sense to me. And of course his DW is a very well read and accomplished woman in her field so I just don't get it.

What has happened is that it's made me look at my DH in another way - I'm seeing all of his flaws - I don't like thinking this way but i'm comparing. I'm being 100% honest because this is all just making me nuts. We're launching a huge project so I'm working crazy hours (w him of course) so I feel like my common sense roadmap is upside down.

I think there is another scenario. He's comfortable with who he is and he really likes your personality and your work ethic. It is possible to be friendly and enjoy people you work with without sleeping with them. If you want to test it, find a reason to mention your husband whenever he's getting chatty.

""oh, haha, Larlo says the same thing"
"really, wait til I tell Larlo about that. He loves those things."

One of 2 things will happen:

You will notice no change

Or

He will start to shutdown a little when you mention your DH


If nothing changes, it's likely his personality and you are just reading things into it. Mentioning you DH will be your constant wake up call that you can't screw up your life. As soon as you realize it's his personality, you will relax, the sexual tension will disappear and things will begin to feel more normal.

If he starts to act differently in reaction to your DH mentions, now you know you need to be on alert and your instincts were correct.

OP here - i’ll try this to gauge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks everyone for your candid replies. Looking back was i guess a few weeks ago when he requested to follow me on Instagram (i'm a private account) and low and behold everything i post is liked.

So there's no other scenario right? I've got a dog for a boss posing as a nice guy that is going to look for something in return for my promotion?

The risk seems so high (as stated several times by PP's) - this just makes no sense to me. And of course his DW is a very well read and accomplished woman in her field so I just don't get it.

What has happened is that it's made me look at my DH in another way - I'm seeing all of his flaws - I don't like thinking this way but i'm comparing. I'm being 100% honest because this is all just making me nuts. We're launching a huge project so I'm working crazy hours (w him of course) so I feel like my common sense roadmap is upside down.

I think there is another scenario. He's comfortable with who he is and he really likes your personality and your work ethic. It is possible to be friendly and enjoy people you work with without sleeping with them. If you want to test it, find a reason to mention your husband whenever he's getting chatty.

""oh, haha, Larlo says the same thing"
"really, wait til I tell Larlo about that. He loves those things."

One of 2 things will happen:

You will notice no change

Or

He will start to shutdown a little when you mention your DH


If nothing changes, it's likely his personality and you are just reading things into it. Mentioning you DH will be your constant wake up call that you can't screw up your life. As soon as you realize it's his personality, you will relax, the sexual tension will disappear and things will begin to feel more normal.

If he starts to act differently in reaction to your DH mentions, now you know you need to be on alert and your instincts were correct.

OP here - i’ll try this to gauge.

We were sitting in a group (3 peers) talking about childcare w late night working and I brought up how good DH is with our daughter and he coughed and walked away.

[Anonymous]

OP, one thing you may not realize is that charismatic men who try to seduce women in inappropriate contexts is A THING. You may be feeling confused because it just seems so bizarre and unlikely, but this is a TYPE of man. They fall in love at the drop of a pin, are effusive, and charismatic. Basically, they are horn-dogs, with or without the associated actionable sexual harassment, and with or without the intention to actually consummate something. And, they often tend to be brilliant, funny, and charismatic -- this feeds their pattern, because they are GOOD at seducing!

One thing to know: it's NOT you. You're just his interest du jour. He'll move on to another woman soon. This is not personal.

What you have to do is just ride it out. Create some boundaries (should have ignored that Insta request!) and see what happens. Talk a lot about your husband. Ask about his wife. Avoid 1:1 settings that may not be professional (drinks, dinner, trips).

Hopefully, it will all cool down, and what will be left is a genuinely good working relationship.

[Anonymous]

Just stay out of alone situations as much as you can (I totally understand how impossible this can be - I travel in twos with my boss or a colleague all the time. But as much as possible. Short, dry dinners, etc). Do not, do not, flirt back or cross any lines. Hopefully his crush will fade and you'll just be good platonic work friends (which is very possible and still is as long as no one does anything inappropriate).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks everyone for your candid replies. Looking back was i guess a few weeks ago when he requested to follow me on Instagram (i'm a private account) and low and behold everything i post is liked.

So there's no other scenario right? I've got a dog for a boss posing as a nice guy that is going to look for something in return for my promotion?

The risk seems so high (as stated several times by PP's) - this just makes no sense to me. And of course his DW is a very well read and accomplished woman in her field so I just don't get it.

What has happened is that it's made me look at my DH in another way - I'm seeing all of his flaws - I don't like thinking this way but i'm comparing. I'm being 100% honest because this is all just making me nuts. We're launching a huge project so I'm working crazy hours (w him of course) so I feel like my common sense roadmap is upside down.

I think there is another scenario. He's comfortable with who he is and he really likes your personality and your work ethic. It is possible to be friendly and enjoy people you work with without sleeping with them. If you want to test it, find a reason to mention your husband whenever he's getting chatty.

""oh, haha, Larlo says the same thing"
"really, wait til I tell Larlo about that. He loves those things."

One of 2 things will happen:

You will notice no change

Or

He will start to shutdown a little when you mention your DH


If nothing changes, it's likely his personality and you are just reading things into it. Mentioning you DH will be your constant wake up call that you can't screw up your life. As soon as you realize it's his personality, you will relax, the sexual tension will disappear and things will begin to feel more normal.

If he starts to act differently in reaction to your DH mentions, now you know you need to be on alert and your instincts were correct.

OP here - i’ll try this to gauge.

We were sitting in a group (3 peers) talking about childcare w late night working and I brought up how good DH is with our daughter and he coughed and walked away.

Good move! Keep it up and he will get the message. At some point block him on Instagram, but not until your promotion comes through.

[Anonymous]

I'm 35 married and a mom and travel a lot on business. And, I'm pretty attractive. I get hit on a lot especially on airplanes where you can't escape. My defense is easy as I pull out my phone and show pictures of my husband and children and then bore the guy to death until he goes back to reading something. Heck, if I was single I'd pull up fake pictures because the technique is so effective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, one thing you may not realize is that charismatic men who try to seduce women in inappropriate contexts is A THING. You may be feeling confused because it just seems so bizarre and unlikely, but this is a TYPE of man. They fall in love at the drop of a pin, are effusive, and charismatic. Basically, they are horn-dogs, with or without the associated actionable sexual harassment, and with or without the intention to actually consummate something. And, they often tend to be brilliant, funny, and charismatic -- this feeds their pattern, because they are GOOD at seducing!

One thing to know: it's NOT you. You're just his interest du jour. He'll move on to another woman soon. This is not personal.

What you have to do is just ride it out. Create some boundaries (should have ignored that Insta request!) and see what happens. Talk a lot about your husband. Ask about his wife. Avoid 1:1 settings that may not be professional (drinks, dinner, trips).

Hopefully, it will all cool down, and what will be left is a genuinely good working relationship.

This post is spot on. I'm a guy, and can identify with a lot of what you wrote. My friends in college always used to tease me that I liked the thrill of the chase more than actually catching the woman.

Men like this often end up senior leaders in business because the same things that make them effective seducers make them effective at selling (either themselves, their ideas, or their products).

You are absolutely right that guys like this tend to lose interest quickly. The only thing I would take issue with is the horn-dog description. I think guys like this are motivated more by the ego boost of seducing a woman than sexual desire.