Is it wrong to be upset at your spouse for not coming through when you are extremely busy at work?
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Anonymous
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Is this a situation where you asked him to cover for things you normally cover or did you expect him to know from the family calendar and consideration of your schedule that these things are on his plate? If DH and I discussed that he would take care of something and he dropped the ball that would be different than him not catching something that he does not usually do with no request, reminder or confirmation by me.
When our schedules change I make sure to talk about it to confirm the plan. |
Anonymous
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I'll be the voice of dissent here. It's not ok. Why is it "fine" or should you "let it go" if he is not doing what needs to be done (esp if your situation is temporary)? It does, as others note, depend on the thing(s) he is missing. But, if it is something big and he is consistently dropping things (we all have those forgetful moments), yeah no.
My DH can be like that sometime. And I just flat out told him that he needs to do the things he needs to do (b/c I fully fill in for him when he works long hours or travels, which is a lot) or I'm outsourcing things to ensure those other things get done. I'm simply not doing all of them. And I will pay whatever I need to in order to make that happen. And I did until he decided to start remembering things that needed (not just wanted) to happen. Sorry, we are a team. And if he is not going to be an effective partner of that team, or can't for whatever reason then he a) needs to figure out how to be better organized or how to do what he needs to do, or b) I will work around him. But, I'm not doing it all. And before I get called a shrew, he gets PLENTY of me time between work trips (to the South Pacific, among other things), football Sundays, fantasy drafts, beer events, and Caps games. . . . to name a few. |
Anonymous
| Did you two communicate explicitly about what you needed him to take over for you? |
Anonymous
It depends on what the things were. I am busy at work this week. I have had two late meetings and another one tonight that mean my husband will need to pick up our daughters from school and daycare and get them started on dinner. I know that I can count on him to do those things. I also know that I cannot count on him to take out the trash or do a load of laundry between 6pm when they get home and 7pm when I get home. If your spouse dropped the ball on something essential, then it's a conversation about how you need to work as a team to make sure that XYZ is covered regardless of what is going on. You need to figure out a backup plan. For example, if I have a meeting that is late tonight and my husband is not able to pick up our kids for some reason, I know who we would call to pick them up. He also knows and would call, since our previous agreement made it his responsibility. |
Anonymous
This and the examples are need are not how busy you are at work but what balls were dropped. Ordering take-out instead of cooking, leaving a messy kitchen, not buying or wrapping a birthday gift or not doing the laundry when you wanted it done are all things I would let slide (but worth a non-upset conversation about ongoing division of labor). If he left a kid at school or practice when he said he would get them, then I think you are right to be upset. |
Anonymous
+1 When I travel for work or am otherwise not able to pull my weight at home, DH doesn't do things the way we'd normally like them done but he keeps our kid happy, healthy, and safe. And the same is true when he's swamped at work or is traveling and I'm flying solo. Yea the laundry doesn't get done as often, not as many home cooked meals, toilets don't get scrubbed, kid might stay at daycare an hour longer than normal but no one is in danger or suffering for it. DH and I have a really good division of labor going on normally so when one of us isn't available, the other has to let their own non-urgent/necessary tasks and chores slide so they can pick up the necessary chores and tasks usually done by the unavailable parent. We're working with a finite amount of time, DH being unavailable doesn't suddenly give me more hours in the day. So no, I'm not going to get the dusting done on Sunday like he normally would. |
Anonymous
you cannot count on things to be done precisely the way you would have done them, no. There will be shortcuts and substitutions. But the big things (children accounted for, all limbs attached, everybody is fed and bathed, house has utilities on) yes, you should be able to count on. What do you do here? Have a good look at the woman in the mirror and ask yourself - am I nit picking or was there a major breach of trust? |
Anonymous
| Is OP a DW or DH? |
Anonymous
| I also agree that it matters what your spouse dropped the ball on. Your work stepped up to an unreasonable level, which means your spouse had a ton of additional home/family work dropped on them as well. If your spouse forgot to pick-up a kid, give a kid their medication or pay the mortgage, yes, that's a big deal. If your spouse forgot to run the laundry so your child didn't have the "right" shirt for the first day or school or you had to pay an extra $25 for winter swim because you spouse forgot the early registration deadline, those are the things you need to let go when you're working the way you have been. |
Anonymous
What does that matter to you? |
Anonymous
| "Wrong" to be upset, or "right" to be upset, is unimportant and perhaps emotionally manipulative. |
Anonymous
No, not wrong at all. It'd difficult when you can't rely on your life partner to do what he said he would. Is this a pattern or just super busy Back to School time? hopefully he makes some real effort to correct and get up to speed! |