Is it wrong to be upset at your spouse for not coming through when you are extremely busy at work?

[Anonymous]

My spouse dropped the ball on a few things recently while I was buried at work. On the one hand, I empathize because I know that my work schedule has probably made things more difficult. On the other, I'm upset that I'm now uncertain whether I can count on things to be taken care of in a situation like this, which is almost sure to arise again in the future. What do I do here?

[Anonymous]

Lower your expectations and attempt to plan accordingly.

History has shown that my husband will ALWAYS drop the ball when we have too much on our plate. That is because he has ADHD, and a limited capacity for multitasking. He denies this of course, and refuses to medicate himself.

In an emergency, I know it's just me and the kids. For example, tonight when I was rushing from work to extra-curricular activity to Back-to-school-night, who made the dinner? My kids (8 and 13). They finished their homework while it was cooking, showered and got themselves to bed before I came home. My husband was at home too, but "working".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse dropped the ball on a few things recently while I was buried at work. On the one hand, I empathize because I know that my work schedule has probably made things more difficult. On the other, I'm upset that I'm now uncertain whether I can count on things to be taken care of in a situation like this, which is almost sure to arise again in the future. What do I do here?

Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Outsource. Presumably you work in order to bring home the bacon, part of it is being able to hire help when it's mission critical.

[Anonymous]

I think my spouse sometimes feels the way you feel, but what DH considers "extremely busy at work" doesn't always fit my definition of "extremely busy at work". He likes to spend time on the phone with coworkers discussing but mostly complaining about recent developments in the office. I'm talking constant phone calls. He's in sales, so he's pretty much constantly on the phone anyway, but I overhear a lot of it and I know when he's spending his time actually working, or just shooting the sh**.

Then he tries to pull the "I'm swamped!" but I don't feel like he should just be able to shirk his responsibilities to our family when he had a few hours to spend chatting on the phone. When he has a ton of actual client meetings, or is working on paperwork for a deal, then of course I pick up the slack. This afternoon he went out to get a massage and a haircut then tried to tell me how busy he was, trying to get me to tell him I had dinner and bedtime on my own, but if he has time for a massage and a haircut then he has time to do dinner and bedtime with me. The courtesy doesn't always get reciprocated. So I guess it just depends how busy you actually are at work. FWIW I WOH full time as well.

[Anonymous]

I think it's entirely reasonable to be frustrated with the situation, without being mad at your spouse.

You know your work schedule is difficult. Is your spouse making an effort? Is the extra work overwhelming, or did he/she have other things going on at the same time? Can you both agree to outsource and/or simplify more of it next time, so that the added burden isn't as overwhelming?

DH and I both travel a lot for work. When I travel, I know DH doesn't bother with home-cooked dinners or most extracurriculars. He takes the kids out for a quick dinner on the way home from school. Not how I do it, but fine: he does what he needs to get through. When he travels, I totally give up on home or yard maintenance for the week. Lawn needs mowing? Call the neighborhood landscaping crew, or just let it keep growing until DH gets back. We both outsource more when the other is traveling - but we each choose different things to outsource.

What can you both do together to prep for the busy periods, and simplify or outsource the extra work?

[Anonymous]

Give examples and we will decide.

Are you being unreasonable? Is your dh equally bogged down, but you're too focused on your own load to even look up and notice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give examples and we will decide.

Are you being unreasonable? Is your dh equally bogged down, but you're too focused on your own load to even look up and notice?

I don't want to provide too many details, but basically, I have worked about 250 hours in the last month, which hasn't been easing up this month. There were some deadlines that were out there where I never even saw the things that needed to be completed until it was too late. Like I said, I empathize in a way, but I now feel like I have to stay on top of additional stuff when I am already very occupied.

[Anonymous]

No one likes a martyr. Stop with the pity party for yourself and how much you do. Unless someone was injured or died I'd say he did fine.

[Anonymous]

Really depends on which ball he dropped.

Did you eat takeout because he didn't cook, or did he forget to pick Larla up from practice?

[Anonymous]

You need to let it go. And to be honest, I work long hours sometimes (try 7 days 80+ hour weeks) and travel. As long as Kids are healthy, happy and receiving basic care...I put aside any notion that my DH isn’t watching them properly. He does things differently and that is ok. I used to try to control everything but I thankfully let that go. I also have learned to arrange for the nanny to stay extra hours and do things like shop and make meals, do laundry, on weeks that are super hectic.

[Anonymous]

We all get busy at work. You can't expect your spouse to pamper you automatically. If you have specific needs caused by your crunch, speak up and tell him.

"Larlo, I have to be on a conference call to the Coast tomorrow from 4 pm to 8 pm. Can you make dinner and watch the kids?"

If he refuses or flakes out, then have a talk with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give examples and we will decide.

Are you being unreasonable? Is your dh equally bogged down, but you're too focused on your own load to even look up and notice?

I don't want to provide too many details, but basically, I have worked about 250 hours in the last month, which hasn't been easing up this month. There were some deadlines that were out there where I never even saw the things that needed to be completed until it was too late. Like I said, I empathize in a way, but I now feel like I have to stay on top of additional stuff when I am already very occupied.

Then why are you here? You seem really dramatic as if we’re all going to figure out who you are based on some random details. Whatever. Go be a martyr. Take on the additional “stuff” along with your 250 hours of work in a month.

[Anonymous]

What didn’t he do for you, OP? Did you specifically voice what you needed? (“I need help with the grocery shopping this week. Can you shop for us on Monday?”) Or were you vague and just hoping he’d figure it out? (“I’m SOOOOOO busy this week! I wish I didn’t have to grocery shop this week.”)

[Anonymous]

What kind of things? If the kids were fed and bathed and loved, then it’s fine. If he didn’t take the car for an oil change or get the quote for the new deck, who cares?