Threatened estrangement/emotional blackmail

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DIL regularly threatens to cut off access to her kids.. I understand she is stressed but I'm available any time she needs a sitter, without fail. Anytime we have the slightest disagreement this comes up. I'd happily take her up on it except my grandkids would suffer. I'm so sick of her diva drama queen behavior.

Stop doing this. Tell her you'll deal with her when she wants to be an adult. She will come back because she needs the childcare (where is your son??) and you can do it again when it happens, and it will.

What makes you think she needs OP for childcare?

I agree you should stop being so available, but I totally disagree with "when she wants to be an adult." It's patronizing and will alienate her. We can't decide if she is being a baby or has legitimate reasons to be angry because so little info has been shared. It takes 2 to tango. Whether the issue is you keep letting yourself be sucked back in with someone unstable or that you refuse to admit your part in creating drama, this does not happen without 2 people. Yes, you love your grandchildren. They need a happy mom and if your interactions are so toxic (even by the rare chance it ONLY her fault) then a break/breather might be healthy for everyone.

Also, your son chose this person for a reason. Respect that decision and don't demonize her.

[Anonymous]

We can’t give you any advice until we know what you actually did, or what DIL perceived you doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We can’t give you any advice until we know what you actually did, or what DIL perceived you doing.

+1

[Anonymous]

That article was fascinating. Thanks for posting.

[Anonymous]

New poster asking a previously asked question but more civilly: Where is your son in all this? What is his role? What does he do or say (or NOT do or say) when his wife makes these threats? Does he "go along to get along" and say things like, "This is between you two, leave me out of this" etc.?

Sit down and think hard about his role or lack of role here. HE is the link you and DIL have and he needs to intervene possibly with her, possibly with you.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to say without more clarity about these "slight disagreements." I've been married 11 years and never had a disagreement with my ILs. My husband has never had a disagreement with my family. I guess I don't really understand what situation could arise in a normal IL situation that would lead to a disagreement. Where to get dinner? Who's hostong Thanksgiving? If it's that kind of stuff, your DIL is grossly overreacting and you need to ask your son to step in.

If the disagreements are at all related to child rearing, you're on more precarious ground.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, my crazy MIL threatened self-harm once when she didn’t get her way, so we “cut off access”. She still goes around telling everyone I am “keeping her away from her grandchildren”. Not her own son, and never mind her role.

I’d love to hear what you did, OP. Where did you go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DIL regularly threatens to cut off access to her kids.. I understand she is stressed but I'm available any time she needs a sitter, without fail. Anytime we have the slightest disagreement this comes up. I'd happily take her up on it except my grandkids would suffer. I'm so sick of her diva drama queen behavior.

Why are you having disagreements w your son and daughter?

Let them live their lives. You should just do doing occasional dinners and outings w them.

And if your adult son is a crappy husband and father, stay out of it. No amount of babysitting from you and pestering from you will save their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Their $500,000 house is literally jumping with fleas. I won't go their house to sit anymore and insist on bathing kids and changing clothing when they come here. That's the latest. (I also draw the line at drugging kids with Benadryl at bedtime.)

I've deferred to most things. They still aren't potty trained at four and have terrible food habits. I usually refrain from commenting on such but drugs and bugs have been too much for me.

[Anonymous]

More from OP. The latest rift erupted when one of the children had to go to urgent care. His ankles and feet have lots of flea bites. I made the unforgivable sin of suggesting this could cause illness. She ordered me out.

[Anonymous]

OP, thanks for coming back to provid details. I would be worried about kids in the situation you describe. But you did not mention where your son--an adult, the father and husband in the picture--is in all this. Have you talked to him one on one (without DIL present) about the fleas? What does he say? Why dues HE allow his house to be jumping with fleas?

[Anonymous]

The clarification is helpful. Sounds like there are some serious issues going on. But I also don't understand why this is a daughter-in-law issue. Your original relationship is with your SON. Why aren't you talking with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their $500,000 house is literally jumping with fleas. I won't go their house to sit anymore and insist on bathing kids and changing clothing when they come here. That's the latest. (I also draw the line at drugging kids with Benadryl at bedtime.)

I've deferred to most things. They still aren't potty trained at four and have terrible food habits. I usually refrain from commenting on such but drugs and bugs have been too much for me.

You're kind of burying the lede here, OP...

Also, what's the situation with your son? He's every bit as culpable as your DIL for letting your grandkids live in a fleabag house. Is he alive? If so, is he living with DIL?

[Anonymous]

House jumping with fleas? Drugging the kids to sleep (every night or just sometimes)?
Call CPS.

[Anonymous]

Or an exterminator.