boring conversations with DH

[Anonymous]

I feel my plants have more empathy than my husband who only engages in conversation if I ask about the markets and money in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get him the book "Extreme Ownership". It's about dealing with problems in the workplace in a productive, positive way. Even better, get him to listen to the author's podcast, he talks about a lot of work-specific issues.

Also, listen to him vent about work some. He probably needs to just say things out loud to work through them mentally and emotionally. Set a time of 15-20 minutes, sit down with him, and listen with 100% of your attention (no tv, phones, etc). The higher quality may trump his need for quantity.

OP, if you're open to advice rather than just wanting to vent--listen to this PP. The advice about actually listening with more real attention (within limits) is excellent. What you view as boring background noise might be your DH trying to work through things, a kind of data download at day's end because he can say things out loud at home that he can't talk about at the office. It's probably not really about his needing you to know all this stuff nor is it about his wanting you to advise him. It's possibly more about his just needing to vent, kind of like how people...vent on DCUM.

Also: Do you and he have some activities you both can do each week? Is there at least a day or two a week when you can do something where you're participating together but are more focused on the activity and can talk about the activity later? A class, a play or other show, a sport or just working out followed by coffee, a regularly scheduled date night if you have kids? In short-- do you and he have new things outside home/jobs/kids that you can discuss? Do YOU have work in which you'd like him to take more interest?

The PP saying that "this is marriage" is giving up. Marriage doesn't have to be all boring conversations about work (or about kid stuff or finances or in-laws). But the two people in a marriage do need to stay connected to whatever mutual interests they share.

[Anonymous]

My DH's work vents are not boring per se, but generally negative and I don't always have the time or emotional space for negativity. Sometimes I just want to talk and be focused on happy things. I feel like his dumping ground for the negativity. Some venting is okay and normal. He tries to vent for a bit and then move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Careful what you wish for. My DH tells me nothing of those mundane things. It's frustrating. I feel very shut out from the regular rhythm of his daily life. Its a real negative element of our relationship.

+1

[Anonymous]

Do you guys know Myers Briggs? You married “S”’s- into the every day, less theoretical scheduling type of talk. In the US, they’re about 75% of the population. Nothing at all wrong with S’s, but often they’re not going to be the ones bringing up the latest piece in the New Yorker.

Look for Ns in the office or other areas of your life to help fill that need- one person can’t give you everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:90% of what DH wants to talk to me about are the petty annoyances of his job -- a meeting got postponed by a few hours, he tried to do something but couldn't because someone else hadn't done something else already, etc. I don't care and it's the same every single day. Any (non-insulting) ideas to get him to change the subject? Even when I try to talk about something else, the conversation inevitably turns back to this kind of stuff.

It sounds like he is talking about this stuff for one of two reasons:

1) He does not have anyone else to talk to about it and needs to get it off his chest, even if it's the same every day, or
2) He does not have anything else to talk to you about and is trying to fill the space with some kind of conversation in order to connect with you on some level.

What would you prefer to talk about?

[Anonymous]

My wife wants me to talk to her about that crap. I could care less about it. Do people really care about what happens day to day at their spouses job?

[Anonymous]

My DS absolutely shuts down ANY discussions (we are in related and interesting fields) but expects to be able to roll with their stuff for hours. I get the fact that I may not always have interesting things to say but the need to vent can be real. I get zip. They get total. The lack of balance on who gets to vent is disturbing and very frustrating to me. That said, my whole marriage is frustrating so why should this aspect not be as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get him the book "Extreme Ownership". It's about dealing with problems in the workplace in a productive, positive way. Even better, get him to listen to the author's podcast, he talks about a lot of work-specific issues.

Also, listen to him vent about work some. He probably needs to just say things out loud to work through them mentally and emotionally. Set a time of 15-20 minutes, sit down with him, and listen with 100% of your attention (no tv, phones, etc). The higher quality may trump his need for quantity.

OP, if you're open to advice rather than just wanting to vent--listen to this PP. The advice about actually listening with more real attention (within limits) is excellent. What you view as boring background noise might be your DH trying to work through things, a kind of data download at day's end because he can say things out loud at home that he can't talk about at the office. It's probably not really about his needing you to know all this stuff nor is it about his wanting you to advise him. It's possibly more about his just needing to vent, kind of like how people...vent on DCUM.

Also: Do you and he have some activities you both can do each week? Is there at least a day or two a week when you can do something where you're participating together but are more focused on the activity and can talk about the activity later? A class, a play or other show, a sport or just working out followed by coffee, a regularly scheduled date night if you have kids? In short-- do you and he have new things outside home/jobs/kids that you can discuss? Do YOU have work in which you'd like him to take more interest?

The PP saying that "this is marriage" is giving up. Marriage doesn't have to be all boring conversations about work (or about kid stuff or finances or in-laws). But the two people in a marriage do need to stay connected to whatever mutual interests they share.

OP here. This is really helpful to read, thank you. We need to do better at finding common activities that don't involve the kids.

[Anonymous]

My DH does this every day -- I refer to it as the daily download. Vents, to-do lists, etc. Personally, I really like it. It gives me a glimpse into his day-to-day (we are in totally different fields) and sometimes I can help. It also allows him to get stress off his chest so that he can then focus on other things. It's also his way of connecting. And I listen because it's important to him to communicate this way. Sometimes, you have to endure things for your partner because they need something.

[Anonymous]

I'm one of those DHs who doesn't talk about work outside of the office. Once I leave the office I have no desire to relive my work day. I'm ready to decompress and spend time with the family and relax. Talking about work just stresses me out. I'll listen politely when DW does it because I know it's important to her. She doesn't understand why I don't want to do the same even though I've explained to her why I don't. She has real difficulty with empathy.

[Anonymous]

My DH never tells me this stuff! I have to pull it out of him. I think he thinks it's akin to "gossiping" and is distasteful behavior.

Maybe he's right but the flip side is, I rarely feel like I really know what's going on with him at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm one of those DHs who doesn't talk about work outside of the office. Once I leave the office I have no desire to relive my work day. I'm ready to decompress and spend time with the family and relax. Talking about work just stresses me out. I'll listen politely when DW does it because I know it's important to her. She doesn't understand why I don't want to do the same even though I've explained to her why I don't. She has real difficulty with empathy.

I'm the PP below you.

See I *want* my husband to share this stuff because I want to know how he spends his days. I want to know the nitty gritty. But I don't push because he doesn't like talking about it.

It's weird to not know how your spouse spends 90% of your day though, kwim?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm one of those DHs who doesn't talk about work outside of the office. Once I leave the office I have no desire to relive my work day. I'm ready to decompress and spend time with the family and relax. Talking about work just stresses me out. I'll listen politely when DW does it because I know it's important to her. She doesn't understand why I don't want to do the same even though I've explained to her why I don't. She has real difficulty with empathy.

I'm the PP below you.

See I *want* my husband to share this stuff because I want to know how he spends his days. I want to know the nitty gritty. But I don't push because he doesn't like talking about it.

It's weird to not know how your spouse spends 90% of your day though, kwim?

I'm the PP you quoted. My DW seems to want the venting, the "how was your day" stuff. If I actually try to explain WHAT my day was as opposed to HOW my day was, her eyes glaze over. I don't find venting about my day to be therapeutic in the least. It's the opposite of therapeutic.

[Anonymous]

No interests. Half of men out there have zero interests or friends. Not sports, not music, not shows, not travel goals, not kid stuff, not books, not debating xyz. They just watch mass media and regurgitate garbage.

I was at dinner the other night and nearby was a first date of two 60 yos. Questions like What's the last good book you read? What do you think of Hamilton? Have you ever been to Brazil, what's changed?

Most husbands would have zero to add to that conversation. Including the ivy leaguers. Just workaholics that can only talk about work.