Friendly with ex husband but he comes into my home during drop off

[Anonymous]

Was the dog in your family before the divorce? Maybe he just wants to see his dog?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he wants to make himself at home.... Hmmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband left me for someone else. Not sure that it matters but it hurts having him in my home.

Sorry op, that sucks. What does he do when he comes in? Talk about the kids? Ask about You? Just stand there?

He plays with our dog, makes small talk and hugs our kids goodbye. I have taken the high road but this is too much.

Is he still with the other person? Sounds like he realized the grass isn't greener.

He is still with her but they don"t live together.

About two weeks ago he did bring me my favorite Thai dish after taking the kids out to dinner.

Hmm,.maybe he is just trying to get along.

How long does he stay? If it's 5 mins or so go with it. If he is staying for 15 mins or more end it. Open the door, say have a good night/weekend, see when I drop the kids off, etc.

+1 to the idea that maybe he sees this as trying to get along especially in front of the kids. OP, my best friend's husband left her suddenly and dropoffs at her house felt horrible to her, too. Her ex didn't try to come in but did seem to feel he should get out of the car and at least say hello to her face to face rather than stay in the car and drive off. She said at first that it baffled her as he seemed uncomfortable but still did it and she realized he felt he should do that in front of their son to model that at least the adults could be civil. She did the same dropping off at his house though it was hard (and neither entered the other's house, I'm pretty sure). I agree with this PP above that five minutes at the door is different from 15 minutes and attempts at real conversation.

Though your kids are teens, they do still pay attention to whatever you and your ex model, much more than a young child would, really. I'm sorry the divorce is happening at a time when your kids are old enough that they are observing relationships in a more adult way. It's painful but if you can even fake civility at the door, that sends a better message than dad dropping and driving. It's not really about the kids needing an escort to the door.

If you don't want him coming inside (I wouldn't either, BTW), ask the kids to text you when they're 10 minutes away "just so I know you're nearly here" but really so you have a heads-up and can just happen to be outside playing with the dog when they pull up. That eliminates his coming to the door but means you don't have to be seen as wanting to close the door on him. When you can't do that, if he comes to the door, greet him, and then have something you/kids/both have to do right away: "Thanks for dropping off. Yes, Dog is really energetic today, isn't she. Sally has a test tomorrow and I need to run Billy to activity X, so --Ill bring them by as usual on Friday."

[Anonymous]

^Do the above. Absolutely have the kids text you when they are 10 minutes out. You can be outside playing with the dog, watering the plants, washing the car, whatever...

I wouldn't want him following the kids inside my house either. He sounds sort of nervy TBH.

[Anonymous]

No! Do not tolerate it if it's 5 minutes, do not make sure you are outside washing the car. As another poster said - toughen up lady. Tell him that you would like for him to drop the kids off outside, this is not his home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No! Do not tolerate it if it's 5 minutes, do not make sure you are outside washing the car. As another poster said - toughen up lady. Tell him that you would like for him to drop the kids off outside, this is not his home.

Be outside and be too busy to talk to him. Once he gets the hint that 1) he's not coming inside 2) you aren't going to hang out talking to him he'll find something else to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No! Do not tolerate it if it's 5 minutes, do not make sure you are outside washing the car. As another poster said - toughen up lady. Tell him that you would like for him to drop the kids off outside, this is not his home.

Be outside and be too busy to talk to him. Once he gets the hint that 1) he's not coming inside 2) you aren't going to hang out talking to him he'll find something else to do.

+1 he can't have it all.

[Anonymous]

I think if you have a good relationship you can be direct and say "I really value the fact that we work so well as coparents and respect each other. You may have noticed that I don't come into your house when I drop the kids off. It would feel better to me if you didn't come into my house unless I invite you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you have a good relationship you can be direct and say "I really value the fact that we work so well as coparents and respect each other. You may have noticed that I don't come into your house when I drop the kids off. It would feel better to me if you didn't come into my house unless I invite you."

He's deliberately ignoring the fact that Op does not go into his house. Why? Because the woman that he cheated with lives there and that is never going to be an issue for him.

By always walking into Op's house with the kids he is showing that he *still* has the upper hand with Op. He still calls the shots.

If Op says something to him she is going to look like the standoffish "bad guy" - the one who doesn't want to be nice to daddy. Eff him. Wash the car, give him a friendly wave but be too busy for him. He encounters that enough he'll get the hint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you have a good relationship you can be direct and say "I really value the fact that we work so well as coparents and respect each other. You may have noticed that I don't come into your house when I drop the kids off. It would feel better to me if you didn't come into my house unless I invite you."

I agree about being direct. I wouldn't say "it would feel better to me" b/c this guy doesn't care about OP's feelings; he just cares that he gets to have his new girlfriend plus be buddy-buddy with OP like nothing happened. So I would maybe modify that to say, "Respect my privacy and space and do not come into my home unless you are invited."

[Anonymous]

OP, he shouldn't. He really shouldn't. But this is a small thing. In the scheme of things, this is a small thing. Don't make it an issue. Things are comfortable-enough, don't make it an issue. Not under the circumstances that you have presently described.

[Anonymous]

He does not have to come into your home, even to maintain a friendly atmosphere for the kids. Send a brief message to him saying that you've thought about transition at your places and you need him to drop the kids off outside.

[Anonymous]

Op your kids are teens; can you be *not* home when he drops off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op your kids are teens; can you be *not* home when he drops off?

What's to prevent him from coming inside with his kids anyway?

Maybe Op would come home to find him azz planted in her easy chair watching a football game. After all, Op is cool with him being there, she's let him in every other time, right?

Next thing you know his new gf will be accusing Op of sleeping with "her" man....

[Anonymous]

That shower story is crazy