Why Don’t you Cheat?

[Anonymous]

I am physically and emotionally satisfied by my marriage (15 years). I respect the time and effort we have put into our relationship, and I continue to spend free time fostering it. I have no time or desire to look for anything else.

[Anonymous]

Because the last thing I need in my life is another person who wants something from me.

[Anonymous]

I have felt "connections" with a few people. I wouldn't date those people because I think about the reasoning behind it. It's usually because we have something in common.

Look up genetic attraction with siblings. It's gross, but a good example in how commonalities affect attraction. It's not that deep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am physically and emotionally satisfied by my marriage (15 years). I respect the time and effort we have put into our relationship, and I continue to spend free time fostering it. I have no time or desire to look for anything else.

Satisfied (usually), plus I’d never wish to hurt her feelings if she found out.

[Anonymous]

Because it would take a good marriage and bring it to a very low place from which it would probably would never recover. Also, why would I want to risk getting an STD and passing it on to someone. And please, spare me the "everyone has herpes, no big deal" line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it’s purely that I don’t want to disrespect my girlfriend. Nothing else. Not that I love her so much that I don’t want to be with someone else. I just don’t want to give someone else the power over her. This makes me unselfish and therefore unlikely to ever cheat.

I don't cheat because I promised that I wouldn't.

I don't see how cheating with another woman will give that other woman power over your girlfriend. I mean, my DH cheated. His lady friend has no power over me. If anything, the position of the paramour is the weakest of the three.

[Anonymous]

And among other reasons, so my kids don't have as part of their life story when they get serious with someone, "my dad/mom cheated when I was x years old and split up. It sucked going from house to house and they both regretted it ever happened".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because it would take a good marriage and bring it to a very low place from which it would probably would never recover. Also, why would I want to risk getting an STD and passing it on to someone. And please, spare me the "everyone has herpes, no big deal" line.

This is probably the closest to my answer, although a lot of the answers resonate with me.

I value my marriage. Even if I'm not always satisfied physically or emotionally (although I often am... it waxes and wanes), going outside it has serious consequences and deleterious effects, whether or not I am caught.

I guess I don't cheat for the same reason I don't use cocaine (and have never tried it). I'm sure it is an absolute blast, but long term, I view it as an unwise decision, and one with negative impacts for my personal, emotional, psychological, social, and financial health.

A lot of those are selfish, but I think it's important to be pragmatic about these things. Selfish instincts and ones related to self-preservation are often the strongest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because the last thing I need in my life is another person who wants something from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because I respect myself.

+100. My exDH cheated on me relentlessly with every kind of woman under the sun - old girlfriends, co-workers, direct subordinates, domestic escorts, foreign prostitutes, randoms he met online, etc. He lied and covered up for years. I found out about a lot of it and had hard proof. At the time I found out we had 2 small children under age 5. I thought about staying with him but cheating on him and just using him for a few years until I was in a more stable financial position and then leaving him. I would have been thoroughly entitled to do so. Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

But, frankly, I had way to much self-respect. He did a lot of awful things to me, but he didn't have the power to turn me into a liar, cheater and manipulator.

The best thing i ever did is get away from him. People who cheat are messed up. If you are considering cheating, please see a therapist and deal with your needs in a healthier way, and if you have to get out of your marriage at least have some self-respect and do it with dignity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been with my husband for 27 years, since I was 21 years old and we met in law school. I am a practicing Catholic, and was raised attending religious schools. In almost three decades together, I can count only two times that I met another man with whom I felt a sudden, meaningful, and electric connection or spark. There was also a third man, whom my husband and I knew from beforehand, who one day attempted to strike up an email flirtation.

In all three cases, recognizing the risk of nothing suddenly conflagrating into an overwhelming something, I set a personal, strict, limit, cease, and/or desist contact order upon myself. That meant stopping email responses, working for someone else, or declining invitations to coffee or lunch, until these men understood where I stood. And they all eventually did. I cannot, and could not, betray my husband with even the hint of an emotional attachment to another man, and so I set my limits and honored them. Perhaps it is my Catholic upbringing: do not covet thy neighbor's spouse, treat others as you would want to be treated, love one another, let no man tear asunder, til death do us part, and a sense of duty to husband and family.

My husband claims that he never cheated on me until this past January when he met another woman at a conference and felt an instantaneous and deep connection. He tells me that when she briefly hesitated to pursue that feeling over the conference weekend, he convinced her that they really owed it to themselves to explore such deep feelings and see where it would lead. And so they did, and have, and continue to do.

In short, I have no idea - really - what makes some people give in and surrender in such pivotal moments, while others hold steadfast and resist the temptation. But the hurt and pain to those affected and left behind in the wake is unbearable.

I am so sorry. People really just suck.

And in this bolded part is your reason - narcissism - your DH's needs come before any thought of anyone else. Look back at your relationship and I am sure you will see, in retrospect, the same narcissism at work in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Because I could never hurt my husband like that. It's not that I haven't been attracted to other men. It's not that I am always completely and in every possibly way satisfied by my husband every second of every day. It's not even because I'm morally or ethically that good of a person. It's because it would destroy him if I cheated on him (and vice versa), and I could never do that to a person I love so much.

[Anonymous]

Because it's too expensive here and doesn't have the value for money unlike in South east Asia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been with my husband for 27 years, since I was 21 years old and we met in law school. I am a practicing Catholic, and was raised attending religious schools. In almost three decades together, I can count only two times that I met another man with whom I felt a sudden, meaningful, and electric connection or spark. There was also a third man, whom my husband and I knew from beforehand, who one day attempted to strike up an email flirtation.

In all three cases, recognizing the risk of nothing suddenly conflagrating into an overwhelming something, I set a personal, strict, limit, cease, and/or desist contact order upon myself. That meant stopping email responses, working for someone else, or declining invitations to coffee or lunch, until these men understood where I stood. And they all eventually did. I cannot, and could not, betray my husband with even the hint of an emotional attachment to another man, and so I set my limits and honored them. Perhaps it is my Catholic upbringing: do not covet thy neighbor's spouse, treat others as you would want to be treated, love one another, let no man tear asunder, til death do us part, and a sense of duty to husband and family.

My husband claims that he never cheated on me until this past January when he met another woman at a conference and felt an instantaneous and deep connection. He tells me that when she briefly hesitated to pursue that feeling over the conference weekend, he convinced her that they really owed it to themselves to explore such deep feelings and see where it would lead. And so they did, and have, and continue to do.

In short, I have no idea - really - what makes some people give in and surrender in such pivotal moments, while others hold steadfast and resist the temptation. But the hurt and pain to those affected and left behind in the wake is unbearable.

I am so sorry. People really just suck.

And in this bolded part is your reason - narcissism - your DH's needs come before any thought of anyone else. Look back at your relationship and I am sure you will see, in retrospect, the same narcissism at work in other ways.

Yes, you are absolutely right about that!

[Anonymous]

I don't really find myself looking at other people that way anymore. Like I don't think it would even occur to me to get into a situation like that. I certainly find others attractive and can recognize when I get along well with people, but I am just so far removed from the thinking of "oh, maybe this could be something." I also get a lot from my husband emotionally, as a friend, which fulfills me. We're not perfect, but it just seems not worth it to explore something else.