How do you keep the peace with ILs who are difficult

[Anonymous]

I actually really agree that going somewhere that is neither of your homes can help. I'm not even sure why - something to do with psychological patterns of falling into familiar roles in places where you are or aren't in control? But seriously. It helps.

[Anonymous]

If it weren't for our children we would rarely see my IL's nor would they care to see us. But, grandchildren are a connection so we see them a few times a year. When they visit I make sure to have a very busy schedule so they can be with the kids one on one and I don't have to deal with them. I'm sure they are happy too.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you need to consider whether this falls within the bounds of normal behavior or whether it might be abusive.

It's normal that people don't get along from time-to-time. It's normal to disagree about topics, as long as you can manage to avoid personal attacks over the disagreements. It's normal to be grumpy occasionally, but respectful people avoid blaming, shaming, raging, baiting, lying, and other forms of emotional abuse. While we all can slip up in our close personal relationships, we usually make it right through apologies of words and actions that show genuine empathy for one party. It is in these normal situations that we take the high road to avoid hurting other people and to avoid rash behavior that could cause long-term harm to valuable relationships.

You haven't described too much about your ILs' behaviors, but it sounds like they may not be staying within the bounds of normal behavior. The words "hostile" and "constant criticisms" are what I'm basing my conclusion on. You might want to read about emotional abuse and see if it fits: http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/emotional-abuse. If your IL's are behaving inappropriately, then your request boils down to "How can I tolerate abusive behavior?" I would turn that question around and ask "Why do you think that you deserve this from them?" and "Though their are definitely consequences for reducing or eliminating contact with people, are you sure it would not be worth it in this case?" I understand, of course, that there are nuances to every situation and that everyone has varying stages of readiness for making changes to their relationships. But if their cruelty were less sophisticated, say hurling invectives or throwing punches, you would never be here asking for advice on how to tolerate it better.

As a previous poster mentioned, "gray rock" (sometimes also called medium chill) is a strategy to take away toxic people's power to manipulate and control. There is a lot of information online about both. If cutting off contact is not an option, consider reducing contact -- not only with the parents but also with family members who may feed them information that they may use to judge, manipulate, or control you.

[Anonymous]

Do people still send birthday, mother's day, father's day cards or texts to their in laws? I feel like I should take the high road and be respectful enough to acknowledge these events but then I am hurt when they don't respond to my text or acknowledge receiving a card. When we send a gift (that I always coordinate), they will text or call DH.

I think I deserve a minimal level of respect as the mother of their grandchild and wife of their son and sometimes debate not allowing my DD to be around them since it makes no sense to have my child be around people who don't show any respect to me. I haven't gone this far yet, but I feel like they blame me for things they should really blame DH for - not seeing them enough, spending more time with my family, or other perceived slights.

[Anonymous]

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My mother is hypercritical and my husband has a method: he's a doctor, and imagines that he's interacting with a mentally ill patient - which isn't far from the truth anyway! So he doesn't engage, doesn't explain/defend himself, changes the subject, stays calm and courteous, and walks away when he starts getting annoyed.

I try to implement this too, but she really gets to me after a while.

So the maximum we are able to be with my parents is 2 weeks, and we have found that location also counts. On their turf, they get antsy much quicker than in our house, or in a third location.

Wow 2 weeks - that's a long time for family. The rule in my house is long weekend max (3 nights) for either IL to stay. And when we go, we do add an extra night bc we have to go to both sets as divorced (4 nights away - 2 nights/parent). Longer lengths = more problems will arise. So I guess that is my advice - limit the length of time which makes it easier to be nice and cheery as other commentators have suggested.

I do allow family vacations at a neutral location for long with our own hotel rooms for certain ILs as they allow for more alone time which makes things less stressful - aka we can eat lunch alone or we can do an activity and they don't care. The only expectation is they get to have dinner with the DCs. Not all ILs get this though as some are freaking needy and our vacation time would be ruined by some fight for space.

Yup. They live in Europe, and we don't see them every year, so that's how it works.

I hope hotels or airbnb is involved for your sanity.

If we visit their town, no. My mother would be even more offended, and the kids like to stay with their grandparents because their home is really nice, so... If we go on vacation together, yes, which is why it's easier!

You should let the kids stay with them and then stay in a hotel with DH.

As for the other stuff why are you engaging in dramatic conversations? Just deflect. My mom is crazy. When she starts down a crazy rabbit hole my whole personality shifts. I become noncommittal, don't say much, when I do say something I try to redirect the conversation, and then I will leave. "I have to go to the bathroom" or "I have to go to the store". I just don't rise to the drama, if you stay low they stay low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do people still send birthday, mother's day, father's day cards or texts to their in laws? I feel like I should take the high road and be respectful enough to acknowledge these events but then I am hurt when they don't respond to my text or acknowledge receiving a card. When we send a gift (that I always coordinate), they will text or call DH.

I think I deserve a minimal level of respect as the mother of their grandchild and wife of their son and sometimes debate not allowing my DD to be around them since it makes no sense to have my child be around people who don't show any respect to me. I haven't gone this far yet, but I feel like they blame me for things they should really blame DH for - not seeing them enough, spending more time with my family, or other perceived slights.

What? You are crazy. I don't do any of those things because those are DH's responsibility. I remind him if I remember but his family is his responsibility.

But you want them to acknowledge a card? You are over sensitive. If they blame you for that stuff be mad at DH who is not managing them properly. DH should be stepping in to make sure relations remain alright. But don't become a burden to DH. He should intervene if they are openly disrespectful but if you send him off as your white knight for an unacknowledged card you're going to lose the moral high ground quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do people still send birthday, mother's day, father's day cards or texts to their in laws? I feel like I should take the high road and be respectful enough to acknowledge these events but then I am hurt when they don't respond to my text or acknowledge receiving a card. When we send a gift (that I always coordinate), they will text or call DH.

I think I deserve a minimal level of respect as the mother of their grandchild and wife of their son and sometimes debate not allowing my DD to be around them since it makes no sense to have my child be around people who don't show any respect to me. I haven't gone this far yet, but I feel like they blame me for things they should really blame DH for - not seeing them enough, spending more time with my family, or other perceived slights.

What? You are crazy. I don't do any of those things because those are DH's responsibility. I remind him if I remember but his family is his responsibility.

But you want them to acknowledge a card? You are over sensitive. If they blame you for that stuff be mad at DH who is not managing them properly. DH should be stepping in to make sure relations remain alright. But don't become a burden to DH. He should intervene if they are openly disrespectful but if you send him off as your white knight for an unacknowledged card you're going to lose the moral high ground quickly.

You are right about the cards, but the texts are not in lieu of DH reaching out to them, but from me as their daughter in law. Should I not even bother sending my own greeting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do people still send birthday, mother's day, father's day cards or texts to their in laws? I feel like I should take the high road and be respectful enough to acknowledge these events but then I am hurt when they don't respond to my text or acknowledge receiving a card. When we send a gift (that I always coordinate), they will text or call DH.

I think I deserve a minimal level of respect as the mother of their grandchild and wife of their son and sometimes debate not allowing my DD to be around them since it makes no sense to have my child be around people who don't show any respect to me. I haven't gone this far yet, but I feel like they blame me for things they should really blame DH for - not seeing them enough, spending more time with my family, or other perceived slights.

What? You are crazy. I don't do any of those things because those are DH's responsibility. I remind him if I remember but his family is his responsibility.

But you want them to acknowledge a card? You are over sensitive. If they blame you for that stuff be mad at DH who is not managing them properly. DH should be stepping in to make sure relations remain alright. But don't become a burden to DH. He should intervene if they are openly disrespectful but if you send him off as your white knight for an unacknowledged card you're going to lose the moral high ground quickly.

You are right about the cards, but the texts are not in lieu of DH reaching out to them, but from me as their daughter in law. Should I not even bother sending my own greeting?

Some people are just crappy at texting. My stepmother was always mad that it would take me forever to respond to email. But I am just really bad at responding to email. This had literally nothing to do with her. I would try really hard but inevitably I would slip at some point. Eventually she accepted that I am trying but it isn't my forte and she doesn't like the communications methods that I am good at so if she wanted to keep emailing she needed to accept that I wouldn't be perfect at it and to appreciate the middle ground. Are they bad at texting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Play happy and dumb. Don’t ask any questions. Don’t make an effort to connect. Only comment on immediate surroundings. Be cheerful and clueless and don’t talk a lot.

This is what I do. DH coordinates all plans with them. I generally go with him, but if it's a religious event I'll skip. I think he tells them I have plans, but I'm sure they're happier I'm not there anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do people still send birthday, mother's day, father's day cards or texts to their in laws? I feel like I should take the high road and be respectful enough to acknowledge these events but then I am hurt when they don't respond to my text or acknowledge receiving a card. When we send a gift (that I always coordinate), they will text or call DH.

I think I deserve a minimal level of respect as the mother of their grandchild and wife of their son and sometimes debate not allowing my DD to be around them since it makes no sense to have my child be around people who don't show any respect to me. I haven't gone this far yet, but I feel like they blame me for things they should really blame DH for - not seeing them enough, spending more time with my family, or other perceived slights.

So then stop coordinating the gift or the card. DH should be the one doing that for his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Play happy and dumb. Don’t ask any questions. Don’t make an effort to connect. Only comment on immediate surroundings. Be cheerful and clueless and don’t talk a lot.

This is what I do with my inlaws. Every now and then I slip up and say a bit too much and I almost always regret it. Recent example: mentioned something about my mother and my kids to my MIL. Within 3 days my MIL was having a complete meltdown about how we don't love her or let our kids see her. I did later find out my DH had let something else personal slip out, so it was the culmination of the two things. It's harder to keep him from sharing information. Because it's his mom and he doesn't always see the clear connection between us saying something and the temper tantrum she has a few days or weeks later.