Reply to How do you keep the peace with ILs who are difficult

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I think you need to consider whether this falls within the bounds of normal behavior or whether it might be abusive.

It's normal that people don't get along from time-to-time. It's normal to disagree about topics, as long as you can manage to avoid personal attacks over the disagreements. It's normal to be grumpy occasionally, but respectful people avoid blaming, shaming, raging, baiting, lying, and other forms of emotional abuse. While we all can slip up in our close personal relationships, we usually make it right through apologies of words and actions that show genuine empathy for one party. It is in these normal situations that we take the high road to avoid hurting other people and to avoid rash behavior that could cause long-term harm to valuable relationships.

You haven't described too much about your ILs' behaviors, but it sounds like they may not be staying within the bounds of normal behavior. The words "hostile" and "constant criticisms" are what I'm basing my conclusion on. You might want to read about emotional abuse and see if it fits: [url]http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/emotional-abuse[/url]. If your IL's are behaving inappropriately, then your request boils down to "How can I tolerate abusive behavior?" I would turn that question around and ask "Why do you think that you deserve this from them?" and "Though their are definitely consequences for reducing or eliminating contact with people, are you sure it would not be worth it in this case?" I understand, of course, that there are nuances to every situation and that everyone has varying stages of readiness for making changes to their relationships. But if their cruelty were less sophisticated, say hurling invectives or throwing punches, you would never be here asking for advice on how to tolerate it better.

As a previous poster mentioned, "gray rock" (sometimes also called medium chill) is a strategy to take away toxic people's power to manipulate and control. There is a lot of information online about both. If cutting off contact is not an option, consider reducing contact -- not only with the parents but also with family members who may feed them information that they may use to judge, manipulate, or control you.  [/quote]

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