How do you keep the peace with ILs who are difficult

[Anonymous]

How do you make nice, routinely, although it seems impossible? I hear stories all the time about people who don't speak to their ILs. As desirable as that sounds it's unrealistic for us in the long run. There's too many other members of this family and MIL/FIL have nothing better to do then stir stuff up, it's impossible to stay away forever without giving up all of DH's family, which we don't want to do.

Tell me about how you navigate this kind of hostile relationship. I imagine MIL and FIL want nothing more than sincere apologies and a clean slate, I honestly don't see myself giving them a do-over, the damage has been done but it doesn't mean there can't be some kind of peace between her son, our children and them. I don't care what they think, but their constant criticisms are what always sends us over the edge.

There have to be some well-intentioned DIL's on this site who have been successful at taking the high road.... how have you managed... teach me

[Anonymous]

How close do your ILs live?

The only success to my IL relationship is that they live a plane ride away, so we don't see them that frequently. When we do, we play nice b/c it's just easier that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How close do your ILs live?

The only success to my IL relationship is that they live a plane ride away, so we don't see them that frequently. When we do, we play nice b/c it's just easier that way.

We are a plane ride away, which is why I feel there has to be a way to make this work. By the end of the trip (any length) they've come to us with years worth of grievances. By the end it becomes too much and DH and I eventually lose it. We don't cause a scene, we "bite back" in the sense that I vocalize that their opinions are unwelcome and DH seconds this. They flip out, massive family issue. Rinse. Repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How close do your ILs live?

The only success to my IL relationship is that they live a plane ride away, so we don't see them that frequently. When we do, we play nice b/c it's just easier that way.

We are a plane ride away, which is why I feel there has to be a way to make this work. By the end of the trip (any length) they've come to us with years worth of grievances. By the end it becomes too much and DH and I eventually lose it. We don't cause a scene, we "bite back" in the sense that I vocalize that their opinions are unwelcome and DH seconds this. They flip out, massive family issue. Rinse. Repeat.

And I will add, of course we go in with the mentality to not let them crack us. It seems like the more receptive we are to their comments "Thanks for sharing, mark" "I'm sorry my comment made you feel that way, laura. That wasn't my intent" they just double down on past issues and the things they bring up become really trivial.

[Anonymous]

Just see them less often. And be resolutely pleasant and non-committal. Like you're making conversation with someone you're sitting next to on a plane. Do NOT share personal details of your life or plans. Say only positive things. Nod and smile. "That's certainly something to think about." "We'll keep that in mind." "Food for thought." "Mmm-hmmm."

[Anonymous]

Play happy and dumb. Don’t ask any questions. Don’t make an effort to connect. Only comment on immediate surroundings. Be cheerful and clueless and don’t talk a lot.

[Anonymous]

Google grey rock.

Moreso than playing nice, play safe and boring. Don’t engage, positively or negatively.

[Anonymous]

My mother is hypercritical and my husband has a method: he's a doctor, and imagines that he's interacting with a mentally ill patient - which isn't far from the truth anyway! So he doesn't engage, doesn't explain/defend himself, changes the subject, stays calm and courteous, and walks away when he starts getting annoyed.

I try to implement this too, but she really gets to me after a while.

So the maximum we are able to be with my parents is 2 weeks, and we have found that location also counts. On their turf, they get antsy much quicker than in our house, or in a third location.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My mother is hypercritical and my husband has a method: he's a doctor, and imagines that he's interacting with a mentally ill patient - which isn't far from the truth anyway! So he doesn't engage, doesn't explain/defend himself, changes the subject, stays calm and courteous, and walks away when he starts getting annoyed.

I try to implement this too, but she really gets to me after a while.

So the maximum we are able to be with my parents is 2 weeks, and we have found that location also counts. On their turf, they get antsy much quicker than in our house, or in a third location.

Wow 2 weeks - that's a long time for family. The rule in my house is long weekend max (3 nights) for either IL to stay. And when we go, we do add an extra night bc we have to go to both sets as divorced (4 nights away - 2 nights/parent). Longer lengths = more problems will arise. So I guess that is my advice - limit the length of time which makes it easier to be nice and cheery as other commentators have suggested.

I do allow family vacations at a neutral location for long with our own hotel rooms for certain ILs as they allow for more alone time which makes things less stressful - aka we can eat lunch alone or we can do an activity and they don't care. The only expectation is they get to have dinner with the DCs. Not all ILs get this though as some are freaking needy and our vacation time would be ruined by some fight for space.

[Anonymous]

Stop thanking them for sharing. Discourage it. You already brought that up twice before. That happened eight years ago. I already told you I didn’t know you dislike onions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My mother is hypercritical and my husband has a method: he's a doctor, and imagines that he's interacting with a mentally ill patient - which isn't far from the truth anyway! So he doesn't engage, doesn't explain/defend himself, changes the subject, stays calm and courteous, and walks away when he starts getting annoyed.

I try to implement this too, but she really gets to me after a while.

So the maximum we are able to be with my parents is 2 weeks, and we have found that location also counts. On their turf, they get antsy much quicker than in our house, or in a third location.

Wow 2 weeks - that's a long time for family. The rule in my house is long weekend max (3 nights) for either IL to stay. And when we go, we do add an extra night bc we have to go to both sets as divorced (4 nights away - 2 nights/parent). Longer lengths = more problems will arise. So I guess that is my advice - limit the length of time which makes it easier to be nice and cheery as other commentators have suggested.

Yup. They live in Europe, and we don't see them every year, so that's how it works.

I do allow family vacations at a neutral location for long with our own hotel rooms for certain ILs as they allow for more alone time which makes things less stressful - aka we can eat lunch alone or we can do an activity and they don't care. The only expectation is they get to have dinner with the DCs. Not all ILs get this though as some are freaking needy and our vacation time would be ruined by some fight for space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My mother is hypercritical and my husband has a method: he's a doctor, and imagines that he's interacting with a mentally ill patient - which isn't far from the truth anyway! So he doesn't engage, doesn't explain/defend himself, changes the subject, stays calm and courteous, and walks away when he starts getting annoyed.

I try to implement this too, but she really gets to me after a while.

So the maximum we are able to be with my parents is 2 weeks, and we have found that location also counts. On their turf, they get antsy much quicker than in our house, or in a third location.

Wow 2 weeks - that's a long time for family. The rule in my house is long weekend max (3 nights) for either IL to stay. And when we go, we do add an extra night bc we have to go to both sets as divorced (4 nights away - 2 nights/parent). Longer lengths = more problems will arise. So I guess that is my advice - limit the length of time which makes it easier to be nice and cheery as other commentators have suggested.

I do allow family vacations at a neutral location for long with our own hotel rooms for certain ILs as they allow for more alone time which makes things less stressful - aka we can eat lunch alone or we can do an activity and they don't care. The only expectation is they get to have dinner with the DCs. Not all ILs get this though as some are freaking needy and our vacation time would be ruined by some fight for space.

Yup. They live in Europe, and we don't see them every year, so that's how it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How close do your ILs live?

The only success to my IL relationship is that they live a plane ride away, so we don't see them that frequently. When we do, we play nice b/c it's just easier that way.

We are a plane ride away, which is why I feel there has to be a way to make this work. By the end of the trip (any length) they've come to us with years worth of grievances. By the end it becomes too much and DH and I eventually lose it. We don't cause a scene, we "bite back" in the sense that I vocalize that their opinions are unwelcome and DH seconds this. They flip out, massive family issue. Rinse. Repeat.

That sounds awful.

Do you stay with them? I would avoid it if possible. Also, let DH go alone or with the kids sometimes. *You* don't have to be there for it.

I'd also ask DH to talk with them--that you both don't want to spend your visit listening to them complain. Get it out in the open when you're not there, just him and his parents saying "No, really, this isn't acceptable."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My mother is hypercritical and my husband has a method: he's a doctor, and imagines that he's interacting with a mentally ill patient - which isn't far from the truth anyway! So he doesn't engage, doesn't explain/defend himself, changes the subject, stays calm and courteous, and walks away when he starts getting annoyed.

I try to implement this too, but she really gets to me after a while.

So the maximum we are able to be with my parents is 2 weeks, and we have found that location also counts. On their turf, they get antsy much quicker than in our house, or in a third location.

Wow 2 weeks - that's a long time for family. The rule in my house is long weekend max (3 nights) for either IL to stay. And when we go, we do add an extra night bc we have to go to both sets as divorced (4 nights away - 2 nights/parent). Longer lengths = more problems will arise. So I guess that is my advice - limit the length of time which makes it easier to be nice and cheery as other commentators have suggested.

I do allow family vacations at a neutral location for long with our own hotel rooms for certain ILs as they allow for more alone time which makes things less stressful - aka we can eat lunch alone or we can do an activity and they don't care. The only expectation is they get to have dinner with the DCs. Not all ILs get this though as some are freaking needy and our vacation time would be ruined by some fight for space.

Yup. They live in Europe, and we don't see them every year, so that's how it works.

I hope hotels or airbnb is involved for your sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My mother is hypercritical and my husband has a method: he's a doctor, and imagines that he's interacting with a mentally ill patient - which isn't far from the truth anyway! So he doesn't engage, doesn't explain/defend himself, changes the subject, stays calm and courteous, and walks away when he starts getting annoyed.

I try to implement this too, but she really gets to me after a while.

So the maximum we are able to be with my parents is 2 weeks, and we have found that location also counts. On their turf, they get antsy much quicker than in our house, or in a third location.

Wow 2 weeks - that's a long time for family. The rule in my house is long weekend max (3 nights) for either IL to stay. And when we go, we do add an extra night bc we have to go to both sets as divorced (4 nights away - 2 nights/parent). Longer lengths = more problems will arise. So I guess that is my advice - limit the length of time which makes it easier to be nice and cheery as other commentators have suggested.

I do allow family vacations at a neutral location for long with our own hotel rooms for certain ILs as they allow for more alone time which makes things less stressful - aka we can eat lunch alone or we can do an activity and they don't care. The only expectation is they get to have dinner with the DCs. Not all ILs get this though as some are freaking needy and our vacation time would be ruined by some fight for space.

Yup. They live in Europe, and we don't see them every year, so that's how it works.

I hope hotels or airbnb is involved for your sanity.

If we visit their town, no. My mother would be even more offended, and the kids like to stay with their grandparents because their home is really nice, so... If we go on vacation together, yes, which is why it's easier!