Do you regret having just one kid?

[Anonymous]

No I do not regret it. I love having one. And if I am going to be honest I'll say this:

I had a child bc everyone said how awesome it was. Nobody said how hard it was (or if they did I tuned it out). I thought having kids was just what you did and it was this blissful thing.

Well, I am 3 years into parenthood, and it is hard every single day. If any of my child-free friends asked me if they should have kids, I would honestly tell them no. I have struggled every day with having to give so much to one tiny human and have no bandwidth to take care of myself.

When I even think about two kids, now I LISTEN to what people say. And people say it is HARD. My friend just told me yesterday..."when I think back on my life with one, I wonder what I did with all my free time." I personally cannot be happy like that - I am not wired to give in that way. I know that in the long game, siblings are awesome, but the short game would destroy me.

My LO has three half siblings who are older. It is not the same, but we cultivate the relationship as a high priority. And we do same with family and cousins - to the extent that I am actively planning our move south in 2 years so my kid will grow up with his cousins.

[Anonymous]

I have occasionally over the years, but overall, no. When my daughter was younger, I occasionally thought a second wouldn't be so bad, but then we got past the diapers and "finding daycare" stages and I realized I NEVER wanted to deal with those things again. There are times now that she's 9 when I see her being really sweet with younger kids and I think, "oh, she would have been a good big sister." But that generally passes too. I'm a single mom, and having one daughter works well for us.

[Anonymous]

10:43 - I think we do women (and men, probably) a real disservice in not being more honest with them about the ways in which parenting can be hard. I feel like people always talk about the joys of parenting, and there are joys, but some of those joys are kind of amorphous, and the hard parts are so easy to quantify. (lack of sleep, expense, etc.)

For me, I always wanted kids, but by the time I had mine, I was pretty set in my single, child-free life. I had a lot of freedom and independence, and when I wanted to be chill, I could be chill. Once I had my daughter at 36, it was a real adjustment! All of a sudden, I had to answer to another person for the first time in my life. My time was no longer my own, and my daughter is a chatty one, so there are times I wish she would JUST STOP TALKING. I do love her, but these are things that sometimes I will share with people who are introverts or people who love their freedom and who are trying to decide if they want to have kids.

[Anonymous]

Don't discount the value of financial security. We are planning to retire at 60, and our son will graduate from college with zero debt (if he does it in 4 years!). We have enjoyed (nearly) every moment of raising our son, made wonderful memories as a family and given him a happy childhood and many of the skills he will need to be successful in life. Now we are looking forward to enjoying our senior years in relative comfort and so far in good health. Life is too short to dwell on what might have been; I consider myself to be the luckiest woman in the world because I had the opportunity to be his mom!

[Anonymous]

All we wanted was one good one, and we're very happy with our sweet and hilarious DD. She fit into our life like a puzzle piece we didn't even know was missing.

But I have NO desire for any more kids. There are some nights I've lived through that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No I do not regret it. I love having one. And if I am going to be honest I'll say this:

I had a child bc everyone said how awesome it was. Nobody said how hard it was (or if they did I tuned it out). I thought having kids was just what you did and it was this blissful thing.

Well, I am 3 years into parenthood, and it is hard every single day. If any of my child-free friends asked me if they should have kids, I would honestly tell them no. I have struggled every day with having to give so much to one tiny human and have no bandwidth to take care of myself.

When I even think about two kids, now I LISTEN to what people say. And people say it is HARD. My friend just told me yesterday..."when I think back on my life with one, I wonder what I did with all my free time." I personally cannot be happy like that - I am not wired to give in that way. I know that in the long game, siblings are awesome, but the short game would destroy me.

My LO has three half siblings who are older. It is not the same, but we cultivate the relationship as a high priority. And we do same with family and cousins - to the extent that I am actively planning our move south in 2 years so my kid will grow up with his cousins.

on what planet nobody said how hard it was? maybe you weren't listening. most people most of the time talk about difficulties. i knew about sleepless nights 10 years before i had kids.

[Anonymous]

PP here who does regret having only one, but can't have more due to secondary infertility.

Do any of you who loved having just one ever feel like you are not a "real" family because you only have one? I feel this way. I feel like we aren't a real family because we only have one. And I'm an only myself and always felt that I didn't have a real family growing up, and as much as I've tried to work on this, I just can't change my perspective on that. A real family to me is 2 or more kids. But I try to always make my child feel as if she does have a real family, I use the word family often, and we have lots of family traditions (which I never had growing up).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here who does regret having only one, but can't have more due to secondary infertility.

Do any of you who loved having just one ever feel like you are not a "real" family because you only have one? I feel this way. I feel like we aren't a real family because we only have one. And I'm an only myself and always felt that I didn't have a real family growing up, and as much as I've tried to work on this, I just can't change my perspective on that. A real family to me is 2 or more kids. But I try to always make my child feel as if she does have a real family, I use the word family often, and we have lots of family traditions (which I never had growing up).

How much more "real" do you need it to be? Parents, a child, diapers, sleepless nights, daycare costs, skinned knees, report cards, hockey practice, college tuition? Seriously, I cannot fathom why some people choose to spend their lives torturing themselves for not living out some imaginary perfect life. And yes, I said "choose" because happiness is a choice. There are plenty of people who would have liked to have more children but for whatever reason did not, and we have chosen to make peace with it and find happiness and joy with our one-child families, which are just as "real" as any other family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't discount the value of financial security. We are planning to retire at 60, and our son will graduate from college with zero debt (if he does it in 4 years!). We have enjoyed (nearly) every moment of raising our son, made wonderful memories as a family and given him a happy childhood and many of the skills he will need to be successful in life. Now we are looking forward to enjoying our senior years in relative comfort and so far in good health. Life is too short to dwell on what might have been; I consider myself to be the luckiest woman in the world because I had the opportunity to be his mom!

you could have easily had at least one more. now you are gonna be bored to death and pestering your DIL for children and visits. very short-sighted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I regret he doesn't have a sibling, but I don't regret not being suicidal from PPD again. So, half?

Same! Intrusive thoughts are truly horrifying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here who does regret having only one, but can't have more due to secondary infertility.

Do any of you who loved having just one ever feel like you are not a "real" family because you only have one? I feel this way. I feel like we aren't a real family because we only have one. And I'm an only myself and always felt that I didn't have a real family growing up, and as much as I've tried to work on this, I just can't change my perspective on that. A real family to me is 2 or more kids. But I try to always make my child feel as if she does have a real family, I use the word family often, and we have lots of family traditions (which I never had growing up).

Nope. I never, never, never once felt like my daughter was not enough for me, or that we were not a real family. We love her, she loves us, and that's enough for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't discount the value of financial security. We are planning to retire at 60, and our son will graduate from college with zero debt (if he does it in 4 years!). We have enjoyed (nearly) every moment of raising our son, made wonderful memories as a family and given him a happy childhood and many of the skills he will need to be successful in life. Now we are looking forward to enjoying our senior years in relative comfort and so far in good health. Life is too short to dwell on what might have been; I consider myself to be the luckiest woman in the world because I had the opportunity to be his mom!

you could have easily had at least one more. now you are gonna be bored to death and pestering your DIL for children and visits. very short-sighted.

Why are you in this thread then?

[Anonymous]

Nope. No regrets. Our family is perfect for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I do not regret it. I love having one. And if I am going to be honest I'll say this:

I had a child bc everyone said how awesome it was. Nobody said how hard it was (or if they did I tuned it out). I thought having kids was just what you did and it was this blissful thing.

Well, I am 3 years into parenthood, and it is hard every single day. If any of my child-free friends asked me if they should have kids, I would honestly tell them no. I have struggled every day with having to give so much to one tiny human and have no bandwidth to take care of myself.

When I even think about two kids, now I LISTEN to what people say. And people say it is HARD. My friend just told me yesterday..."when I think back on my life with one, I wonder what I did with all my free time." I personally cannot be happy like that - I am not wired to give in that way. I know that in the long game, siblings are awesome, but the short game would destroy me.

My LO has three half siblings who are older. It is not the same, but we cultivate the relationship as a high priority. And we do same with family and cousins - to the extent that I am actively planning our move south in 2 years so my kid will grow up with his cousins.

on what planet nobody said how hard it was? maybe you weren't listening. most people most of the time talk about difficulties. i knew about sleepless nights 10 years before i had kids.

Yeah seriously. I spent all of my 20's listening to people bitch about how it was just soooooo hard to be a mother, and you become a cook, driver, blah blah and have like 10 jobs. Now I have a child and yes of course there are hard parts but it is NO WHERE NEAR as difficult as people make it out to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I regret he doesn't have a sibling, but I don't regret not being suicidal from PPD again. So, half?

I have to remind myself of this when I want to have #2. It’s not too late to have another, but #1 almost collapsed my marriage and had both of us contemplating self harm. Marriage is still being repaired and DC is almost a year and a half old.