Don't know what to do about my violent child
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Anonymous
Thank you. We could absolutely benefit from one of these classes. I'll look into it. I know I have some anger management issues myself that I need to work on. I'm sure it doesn't help the situation when I have trouble controlling my own anger and when I respond in such a way that validates his own bad behavior (like spanking or yelling loudly when I tell him not to yell). Is the speech therapy so that he is better able to express himself? His vocabulary is above average and he communicates very well when he's not lashing out. Still I'm willing to look into it. |
Anonymous
| Immediately pack away at least half his toys and put them in a rotational system. He should just have a few available to play with at any time. Cleaner and also makes taking them away more effective. |
Anonymous
+1. I don't think the PP knows much about ADHD. Hitting (especially at that age) is very common for combined type ADHD. It's an impulse control thing, mostly. The licking can also be related to impulse control, and/or can be related to sensory things at that age. My ADHD kid at that age ate freakin' everything. He would chew through his shirts like crazy -- they looked like lace. For the licking, there might be some simple things that would help, like chewable necklaces (they make dog tag style ones or boys, or ones with animals on them); chewing gum; etc. Chewing is a more common problem than licking, but I assume they are similar or related. I also think the one or more of the basic ADHD books might be helpful in learning how to solve problems before they start. I'll also give my 2 cents which is that, especially for ADHD combined type boys, the ages 4-5 are really the worst. They are big and strong and people expect them not to do the things that toddlers do anymore, but the impulse control is basically at toddler level (as it usually lags about 2 years in ADHD combined kids), and even the "smart" ones don't really have the cognitive skills to analyze their own behavior yet. When they get a smidge older, you can have some real success with cognitive behavior therapy and books, where the kids helps to figure out why they do the things they do, why it's a problem and what they can do to stop it. In the meantime, do you know what the triggers for the hitting are? Some possibilities are: (1) just likes the physical contact; (2) overwhelmed by other kids' presence near him; (3) generally wound up and over-stimulated; (4) frustrated by something like a kid that has a toy he wants. Each would require a different solution. |
Anonymous
Thanks, I will read this. I've heard the name thrown around but know nothing about it. |
Anonymous
Thank you for the suggestion (someone else suggested too) about getting moving on the IEP/504. You're right. I want to make sure that's in place when he starts school this fall. We just got an appointment someplace else - Behavior Therapy Center of Greater Washington. |
Anonymous
OP here. There are a lot of other things going on that lead me to believe ADHD is in the mix. Some more "classic" symptoms - extreme difficulties listening/redirecting behavior, etc - that kind of stuff. Also problematic to be sure, but not at the top of my list... |
Anonymous
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A lot of times as parents, we don't realize how much our reactions contribute to these terribly explosive cycles with our children. You should really check out Dr. Dan Shapiro's parenting class. I went and it really changed the way I approach my child... I also took the Unstuck and On Target class at Ivymount... that starts at age 7 though.
I mention the 2 places because I want you to know that this isn't a magic bullet. It takes really hard work to deal with a child that is out of control and triggering all your emotional baggage that you bring to parenting. I had to go through multiple sessions with therapists alone and my child doing it as well. It is work that continues. Spankings have to stop with a child like this. That doesn't mean that there are no consequences. For my child, the most important thing was having a calm household with predictable routines. We wrote down schedules -- or did picture schedules until he could read. This gave him a sense of control. We let him pick and participate in the schedule as much as possible. We praised every good behavior we possibly could think of. This helped him to feel good about himself. That really matters to kids who get lots of punishment. Good luck! keep pushing for an evaluation and get into Child Find so you can get an IEP set up for Kindergarten. He is going to need it. |
Anonymous
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I STRONGLY suggest getting a diagnosis before entering elementary and asking for an IEP (individualized education plan) which will guarantee services and accommodations in public school (private schools will perhaps not be able to accommodate his needs right now). Otherwise he'll be treated like a hooligan. MCPS, for example, has behavioral programs they can place him in, if worst comes to worst. Hurry, the best psychologist practices have waiting lists. I recommend Stixrud. It's very expensive, but worth every penny, because they are very thorough. |
Anonymous
Thanks, PP. Your suggestions are helpful for the licking issue. I'll try maybe offering something (like a necklace) designated for licking. Knowing him he'll still lick other things to get a rise out of us. But it can't hurt. He hits when he is angry/frustrated/senses you aren't listening/if someone interrupts him (this is a huge trigger!!!), that kind of thing. Overstimulation also makes him act a little wild and rough but he doesn't hit to hurt in these instances... he is just rough, like with his baby brother - dangerously so sometimes. As for the hitting |
Anonymous
Sorry... my reply got cut off. I was saying - as for the hitting, he generally does this out of anger or frustration, or when someone interrupts him, which is a huge trigger. When he is overstimulated, he can be very rough but doesn't hit to hurt in these instances. |
Anonymous
This is all really helpful advice. Thank you. I do think it helps for him to feel in control. I am pretty good about giving him lots of reminders and warnings when we are about to leave the house for example, and that seems to help for the most part. A schedule would probably also help (both of us, really, as I could use some daily organization). I do also think he seeks praise. Often, he will ask at the end of the day if he was good that day. It breaks my heart. We did get another appointment scheduled for Tuesday at a well reviewed center. I'll look up Child Find as well as the parent classes you suggested. Thanks again! |
Anonymous
In addition to schedules, I would also encourage choices instead of orders - do you want to wear the green shirt or the blue shirt? do you want me to dress you or do you want to get dressed yourself? instead of get dressed! It can be a bit challenging to always come up with choices on the fly, but it gets easier the more you do it. Also, including kids in the household jobs can keep them from being disruptive. My ADHD kid loved to help me cook at a young age. It really provides a lot of self-esteem. Was I good today? Can be answered with - yes, you helped me collect the trash (or whatever). |
Anonymous
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OP - You indicated you had a new baby so did some of your son's behavior escalate after the arrival of the baby? You and DH need to be on the same page and may benefit from some professional advice together as a couple to develop a consistent parenting approach. Do you rotate which parent spends time with the new baby so that DS does not think he is not as important. Try and keep a notebook on how his behavior goes at home as you might pick up clues as to when he is likely to get his engines rolling. Does e get outside and get a chance for physical activity after school each day? Is he really ready to start into a kindergarten program or is there a chance that he might benefit from getting the evaluations done, focusing on getting started with any therapies, counseling and or seeing if medication works. by this I mean would there be even a part or full-time day care program he might attend. Kindergarten is now a very scheduled and academic program in most public schools. Many many argue with this viewpoint, but if he is tired and stressed after a preschool day, how much is he going to benefit from any private therapy (speech for example), counseling, or social skills class after a day in school. And why have him hit kindergarten and soon be known as "the explosive child."If you have the ability to give him time to address the behaviors raise it with the doctors as you get a diagnosis. |
Anonymous
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OP - first, I can tell how stressed out you are and I'm sorry you are going through this.
You need to get a private evaluation - especially so that you can get a proper IEP in place before K. The licking sounds like a tic. If you get him into psychiatrist/ and or developmental pediatrician, they can prescribe him something to help with that, which can also help with impulsivity- something like tenex/guanfacine, or clonodine. My son has tics and the clonodine helps. I'm not pushing meds, just saying you need the right professionals in place in case that is the road you consider. My son has had a lot of same problems as yours, and he has several things going on - ADHD, Anxiety, SPD, Dypraxia and Language disorder (your child is probably not this complex) just letting you know a lot of things can cause a child to hit and act out. They aren't doing it on purpose, they don't have the skills to deal with frustration like their NT peers. My son uses chewys. They sell a lot of different kinds on amazon, but the heavy duty red ones work best for my son. They help with his tics, and when he's feeling anxious. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B007C5J1Z6/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&th=1 I wonder if your son might be able to use something like this in place of licking things? Anyway, I know how hard it is to deal with the stress of it all, and that you just want to punish him and hope that works - it doesn't. All the other suggestions here are good - especially the ones about "The Explosive Child". Best of luck. |
Anonymous
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Lots of praise.
Lots of sleep. Lots of exercise (swimming is really amazing for tiring a kid out) and outdoor time. Being outside helps regulate sleep cycles and improve mood. Some child-directed play every day. 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the evening where you hand the baby to someone else and play exactly what and how he wants to. There's nothing that the other person can't manage for 10 minutes while you play. way fewer toys out. I agree with the PP who says to box up at least half and rotate them. consider cutting back on artificial colors and flavors. All the books that were suggested are good too. |