Don't know what to do about my violent child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call your pediatrician and see if they can help get you into a child psychologist before then.

In the meantime, read the Explosive Child by Ross Greene this weekend, and start to revamp your approach. Your partner / spouse needs to be 100% on board with this.

You need to get away from "discipline" for misbehavior and start to incentive positive behavior. It's hard, but what you've been doing is not working.

What happens at school when he hits?

My pediatrician wasn't a whole lot of help, although she did give me some names. I can call around to them. My spouse found an in-network psychologist who also works with kids, but he was clearly not the right fit. We would tell him stories about our kid and his eyes would kind of widen like he obviously had no idea what to tell us. It was a joke. Obviously I would LOVE to find someone who takes insurance. We don't make a lot of money (teacher & freelancer) and both kids are from a gazillion cycles of IVF, a hole we are still digging ourselves out of financially, but I am starting to think you have to come out of the pocket for anyone worthwhile.

I do have the book and I started it but admittedly life got in the way. I will finish it this weekend. I agree that our approaches are not working. I like your suggestion.

At school, he has been sent to the office a couple times, separated from the class (made to sit in a chair somewhere), but that's about it. Remember this is still preschool. I think they are afraid to call me and have me come get him, but I just emailed them and told them to please do so if his behavior warrants it. Their disciplinary actions are obviously also not working. There might be more that I don't know - I just found out this morning that the hitting was becoming a daily occurrence.

NP here...This is us too down to the IVF. Only our 4-5 year old DS1 who was conceived with IVF has these issues. Our surprise naturally conceived DS2 does not. Our son did not handle preschool, got kicked out of multiple for hitting and biting. We do have him in PEP for half a day and have decided to keep him home with a nanny for the other half. He seems much happier at home. We are also getting an official diagnosis through Children's this month and maybe they can recommend additional treatments. Currently DS1 is in PEP Inc with SPT, OT, and PT sessions during PEP, as well as private OT. He has a lot of trouble self-regulating and has speech delay.

One recommendation is to get an evaluation ASAP and also contact Child Find. Children's took almost a year to get the initial plus in-depth evaluation (we started looking last year around March).

[Anonymous]

All of the parenting book/class suggestions are great. Things changed a lot for us once we really got the point that children this age want to be good, and when they misbehave consistently it's almost always incapacity not lack of desire or motivation. Discipline as a strategy does not work but other things do.

But I am going to push meds. Adhd medicine gives our kid so much greater control of his own emotions and impulses. That's what the stimulants do--stimulate the prefrontal cortex, which is underdeveloped in these kids, so that it can play its natural inhibitory role. Changed our son's life, and ours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of the parenting book/class suggestions are great. Things changed a lot for us once we really got the point that children this age want to be good, and when they misbehave consistently it's almost always incapacity not lack of desire or motivation. Discipline as a strategy does not work but other things do.

But I am going to push meds. Adhd medicine gives our kid so much greater control of his own emotions and impulses. That's what the stimulants do--stimulate the prefrontal cortex, which is underdeveloped in these kids, so that it can play its natural inhibitory role. Changed our son's life, and ours.

Would be interested in reading more about these children having an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex. Can you please share some links?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PCIT is evidenced based for both Adhd and ODD. If it was my child I would do a simultaneous rule out an underlying medical condition while scheduling an intake for a child psychologist that specialized in this. Do not go to a therapist that will utilize ‘play therapy.’

Definitely no play therapy. That would be a complete waste. Play therapy is useless.

[Anonymous]

NP here. You have my empathy as a pregnant mom to a very intense almost 5 year old. It's so hard.

I agree wirh rhe posters who encourage Positive Discipline as opposed to punitive discipline like time outs and taking toys away. It sounds like with all the aggressive behaviors that your son is actually asking for connection, confident leadership and firm boundaries. When others, like parents or teachers, are rattled by his behavior and unable to set and enforce limits ("I won't let you hit. I will sit with you and help you find a way to express your frustration") and/or lose their own cool, he suddenly has WAY too much power. That is truly scary to a small child to feel like you can unmoor the adults in your life so easily.

Small children don't have great impulse control or sophisticated emotional regulation of the brain yet. He sounds pretty normal to me, just that he needs to feel connected and guided to learn intrinsic self-discipline and have adults that model emotional self-regulation. My husband and I have gone through some very tense periods and arguing and our son was totally picking up on the tension and poor modeling and reacting accordingly. I'm not advocating against therapy or evaluation, but I'd also be cautious about pathologising such a young child who sounds like he might be having very normal reactions for his age and circumstances.

Teachers should be in board with a plan to address hitting and agression. A close shadow BEFORE it gets to that point, firm limits, consequences that are natural and logical ("I can't let you play with the blocks right now because you are using them for hurting. When you are calm again you may play with the blocks."). When he is calm, make a plan WITH him for calm down strategies and time in. If he is abke to successfully calm down, he will be taking the first step to emotional self regulation. He will feel confident. Punishments that shame or take away connections will have the opposite effect.

Recommended:
Facebook groups: Visible Child/Robin Enzig, RIE for Older Parents, Janet Lansbury's and Rebecca Eanes pages
https://visiblechild.wordpress.com/
Janet Lansbury anything, blog and books
Aha Parenting web site:
http://www.ahaparenting.com/
Book:
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen

Lots more resources on the web sites.

Lastly, self care OP. Recharge your tank so you can support your son.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP. I've been there and know what it's like to have a child with rage.

My kid has combined ADHD/Anxiety diagnosis and has always been extremely oppositional. (Luckily none of this ever showed up at school, only at home with us - the anxiety always keeps the ADHD outbursts in check.)

We had an extremely difficult time between about age 4 and age 10. I mean, it was a nightmare, in terms of weekly meltdowns and seriously scary rages and just sheer exhaustion dealing with a child who has never been cooperative. We did lots of different kinds of therapy and tried to become very disciplined in our approach and be consistent. Consistency in reaction is key. But it's hard, especially when you have other children to tend to and when life gets in the way.

But I have to admit that what really has seemed to help are 1) maturity and 2) the stimulants we finally agreed to try. The rages and meltdowns have gone away and the only time in the past few years we've experienced one is if we've forgotten to give the Concerta.

Not saying this is going to be your child's future, just giving our experience.

Hang in there.