Don't know what to do about my violent child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

In the meantime, read the Explosive Child by Ross Greene this weekend, and start to revamp your approach. Your partner / spouse needs to be 100% on board with this.

You need to get away from "discipline" for misbehavior and start to incentive positive behavior. It's hard, but what you've been doing is not working.
?

This is EXCELLENT advice. It's so hard, but you can do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is all really helpful advice. Thank you. I do think it helps for him to feel in control. I am pretty good about giving him lots of reminders and warnings when we are about to leave the house for example, and that seems to help for the most part. A schedule would probably also help (both of us, really, as I could use some daily organization). I do also think he seeks praise. Often, he will ask at the end of the day if he was good that day. It breaks my heart. We did get another appointment scheduled for Tuesday at a well reviewed center. I'll look up Child Find as well as the parent classes you suggested. Thanks again!

In addition to schedules, I would also encourage choices instead of orders - do you want to wear the green shirt or the blue shirt? do you want me to dress you or do you want to get dressed yourself? instead of get dressed! It can be a bit challenging to always come up with choices on the fly, but it gets easier the more you do it.

Also, including kids in the household jobs can keep them from being disruptive. My ADHD kid loved to help me cook at a young age. It really provides a lot of self-esteem. Was I good today? Can be answered with - yes, you helped me collect the trash (or whatever).

NP.
I just want to add that you will have to plan for things to take longer and you will have to allow for more time for things to get done.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I had similar kid. 4 and 5 really were the worst.

You should indeed contact Child Find for early intervention. Where are you located.

Definitely check out Dr Greene's books and livesinthebalance.org and his podcast. Stop with the punishment and yelling, lots of sympathy (and redirecting). Definitely no discipline at home for things that happen at school.

Tons of praise (for every little thing -- nice sitting still at the table. Wow, you got dressed on your own! Hey you washed your hands without a reminder, awesome!)

Martial arts

Bibliotherapy like this: http://www.juliacookonline.com/book/soda-pop-head/

http://www.parentchildjourney.com

https://zonesofregulation.com

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call your pediatrician and see if they can help get you into a child psychologist before then.

In the meantime, read the Explosive Child by Ross Greene this weekend, and start to revamp your approach. Your partner / spouse needs to be 100% on board with this.

You need to get away from "discipline" for misbehavior and start to incentive positive behavior. It's hard, but what you've been doing is not working.

What happens at school when he hits?

I’d go child psychiatrist if you can find one .

[Anonymous]

What might be the source of his anger?

(Always address the source of the problem.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What might be the source of his anger?

(Always address the source of the problem.)

Ross Greene's method will help with this, OP.

[Anonymous]

We were in a similar situation and wasted a lot of valuable time going trying to find the right therapist that could help us. Our pediatrician is wonderful but didn't have much to offer. I wish we had started with a good child psychiatrist from the beginning. Once we got to a child psychiatrist and had the diagnosis of anxiety and ADHD and DC was started on meds, it was a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What might be the source of his anger?

(Always address the source of the problem.)

I don't think this is necessarily true. My child was very aggressive at 3 and he grew out of it. The aggression is the actual problem to be addressed, not whatever amorphous thing underlies it. Obviously screening for diagnoses is important too, but even if there's a diagnosis, you're still directly working on the aggression, not the "source."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You admitted your parenting techniques are not that strong (spanking, ineffective toy taking away, etc.). Please consider enrolling in a PEP class. http://pepparent.org/classes-programs/class-schedule/

But, with an ADHD child, inappropriate behavior is not all about parenting skill. I have an ADHD kid, and I found that along with ADHD came significant weaknesses in both receptive/expressive language and social pragmatic language. It is very common for ADHD kids to have other issues in addition to ADHD. For example, a big part of why my kid had difficult getting along with teachers and peers is that he didn't always understand what they were saying and/or he couldn't really make himself understood. It was a subtle problem because he talked, but if you listened carefully to what he said, he was often off topic or not responding on point to questions, which frustrated his listeners. Because of his language weaknesses, he had great difficulty negotiating conflict in even the simplest verbal way, so he used other techniques like interrupting, being imperious, getting emotionally upset or angry, refusing to cooperate, and, sometimes, getting physical.

Speech therapy for both oral and pragmatic language was helpful. If you haven't already done it, I encourage you to get a speech and language assessment from a qualified SLP. IME, speech/language assessment from the neuropsych isn't as good. Even though they may use the same tests, their analysis of the error patterns is not as good as that of an SLP.

A full neuropsych evaluation is also helpful to see if there are any other issues. My DS has slow processing in addition to a diagnosed language disorder. This slow processing means that he has a difficult time keeping up conversationally, which is a root cause of what appears to be "impulsivity". He impulsively interrupts because he is often late processing in a conversation, so while everyone else has moved on a topic or two, he has only just figured out how to respond to what was said 3 points ago. He also knows if he doesn't blurt it out, he will forget it. He can't remember what he wants to say, and also process the ongoing conversation, and also figure out when or how to bring the conversation back to what he wanted to say 5 minutes ago.

+1 - DC has both ADHD and a speech-language disorder and even now in the teens, DC has difficulty with pragmatics, as well as understanding the meaning of what's said. Good luck, OP

[Anonymous]

OP, my sympathies, and also just a voice from the other side.

My son was VERY much like yours, with very similar pre-school dynamics and a core sweetness and desire to be (and do) good - as most kids have.

What saved me was learning how to parent him very differently than most of my instincts taught me. I learned by meeting w/ a psychologist who is fantastic w/ moms, reading Kazdin and Ross Greene, and tons of modifying of my own behaviors.

Tons of positive reinforcing of the behaviors you want, incentivizing behaviors to develop good habits, lots of reading and talking about how to handle emotions (we have a large library of kids books about emotions), time in - child directed one on one time, lots of exercise to achieve physical exhaustion before attempting too much hard thinking, good sleep, solid patterns and structure to the day, etc...

My child is almost 7 now and we are leap years from where we were. Still challenging, still occasionally leaving me feeling inadequate and exhausted, but nowhere near where we were at 4 and 5. So there is hope. (And my son has no diagnosis, has done quite well in school, etc...)

Hang in there. Whether you get a diagnosis for your son or not there will almost certainly be cognitive behavior type work that you have to do as a parent so you might as well start on that while waiting to see an expert.

Hugs. It can and almost certainly will get better. Your son is lucky to have you and you will figure it out.

[Anonymous]

You've gotten tons of great advice...but I just want to remind you to breathe. I know how overwhelming this all feels but you will get through it. Focus on something that feels manageable to you...and if possible, get a therapist for yourself. Caring for a SN child isn't easy and you need someone who can support you.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hijack this thread but my 3.5 year old son is exactly as OP described. Would you all recommend the same for a child this age? Developmental Ped eval? Speech eval? And the book recs? Or should I be focusing on something different with his age? I too am at my wits end and it scares me to read that 4&5 are the worst years because I can’t imagine things getting worse and for another couple years! I need so much help

[Anonymous]

yes, you need a developmental pediatrician...there can be a wait. You could start with your regular Ped.

OT could help...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes, you need a developmental pediatrician...there can be a wait. You could start with your regular Ped.

OT could help...

This is all so new to me- what would an OT do for a child like mine? I’ll discuss with my lee as well but just starting to do research on
H own so I know options

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of praise.

Lots of sleep.

Lots of exercise (swimming is really amazing for tiring a kid out) and outdoor time. Being outside helps regulate sleep cycles and improve mood.

Some child-directed play every day. 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the evening where you hand the baby to someone else and play exactly what and how he wants to. There's nothing that the other person can't manage for 10 minutes while you play.

way fewer toys out. I agree with the PP who says to box up at least half and rotate them.

consider cutting back on artificial colors and flavors.

All the books that were suggested are good too.

I really second this. I have a kid that is sensory seeking and ADHD and his behavior gets really out of control when we let the basics slip. He also gets really frustrated and yells/tantrums and communication is a big part of it, but his ability to control his frustration and impulse control drops off noticeably if he's not slept well or is feeling under the weather. He's at his best when he's had a considerable amount of exercise daily.

Not to say that you shouldn't also look at parenting classes and a complete neuro-psych evaluation, those are important too! But while you are working on scheduling those, start simplifying life as much as possible and paying attention to the basics -- sleep, food, and exercise. I will also add to your book list, though I would put them in this order ..

The Explosive Child
The Kazdin Method
Simplicity Parenting

Simplicity Parenting is not about special needs, but is about regaining sanity in our home lives for ourselves and our kids.