Nobody wants to sit with DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered changing school? She sounds like a great kid who just needs to find her tribe of sweet, quirky kids. That is really hard to do in a small school.

I disagree with this advice. Nobody is being mean to her. Nobody is picking on her. If she's been with the same kids since kinder and is in 5th now, presumably she'll switch to middle school next year and be around a new crop of kids then. She can certainly stick it out until next fall. Changing schools should only be for very extreme situations.

OP, I suggest you tell her to keep working on herself and meanwhile make sure she's in after-school activities with other kids. Religious school, dance, basketball, soccer, art, whatever.

Another kid asking her to move so they can sit next to their friend is definitely mean.

No it's not.

Agreed that as portrayed by OP, the request doesn't sound "mean". For it to be mean, there would be a lot more to the intent and tone.

Question, OP: does your daughter receive any OT (occupational therapy) or counseling? Those could be two good resources to help your daughter improve her social skills.

And while certainly you want to keep thinking about the other suggestions, too, like the lunch bunch but maybe you want to think about how you can help her develop her social skills. Is she in scouts or does she do anything with your church or does she paly on any teams? Do you do any volunteer activities where she could tag along and interact with other people? I'm trying to brainstorm ideas so that she can practice skills and also increase her confidence in a way that will allow her to make overtures to these long-time classmates. It can be really hard to break patterns of behavior (for the other kids as well as your daughter) so any ways that you can help her to see herself differently and present herself differently will help in that matter.

Good luck and hugs to your sweet daughter!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered changing school? She sounds like a great kid who just needs to find her tribe of sweet, quirky kids. That is really hard to do in a small school.

I disagree with this advice. Nobody is being mean to her. Nobody is picking on her. If she's been with the same kids since kinder and is in 5th now, presumably she'll switch to middle school next year and be around a new crop of kids then. She can certainly stick it out until next fall. Changing schools should only be for very extreme situations.

OP, I suggest you tell her to keep working on herself and meanwhile make sure she's in after-school activities with other kids. Religious school, dance, basketball, soccer, art, whatever.

Another kid asking her to move so they can sit next to their friend is definitely mean.

No it's not.

Agreed that as portrayed by OP, the request doesn't sound "mean". For it to be mean, there would be a lot more to the intent and tone.

Question, OP: does your daughter receive any OT (occupational therapy) or counseling? Those could be two good resources to help your daughter improve her social skills.

And while certainly you want to keep thinking about the other suggestions, too, like the lunch bunch but maybe you want to think about how you can help her develop her social skills. Is she in scouts or does she do anything with your church or does she paly on any teams? Do you do any volunteer activities where she could tag along and interact with other people? I'm trying to brainstorm ideas so that she can practice skills and also increase her confidence in a way that will allow her to make overtures to these long-time classmates. It can be really hard to break patterns of behavior (for the other kids as well as your daughter) so any ways that you can help her to see herself differently and present herself differently will help in that matter.

Good luck and hugs to your sweet daughter!

NP. Ok, so it's rude. When I join a group for lunch I don't ask the other adults to rearrange themselves so I can sit next to my friend. Both my kids attended a small private and this kind of behavior was not tolerated. No saving seats, no asking other kids to move, no telling other kids they can't join in a game. They had no problem finding a way to hang out with their friends and they had no problem learning how to be polite and go with the flow in terms of hanging out with other kids. One was very popular, one was shy and quirky like OP's daughter. They were both shown respect by their classmates.

OP, I think part of the problem may be the school. It's fine for her to not have best friends at school. But she should feel included. Have you talked to the school? This may one just not be the right match?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered changing school? She sounds like a great kid who just needs to find her tribe of sweet, quirky kids. That is really hard to do in a small school.

I disagree with this advice. Nobody is being mean to her. Nobody is picking on her. If she's been with the same kids since kinder and is in 5th now, presumably she'll switch to middle school next year and be around a new crop of kids then. She can certainly stick it out until next fall. Changing schools should only be for very extreme situations.

OP, I suggest you tell her to keep working on herself and meanwhile make sure she's in after-school activities with other kids. Religious school, dance, basketball, soccer, art, whatever.

Another kid asking her to move so they can sit next to their friend is definitely mean.

No it's not.

Agreed that as portrayed by OP, the request doesn't sound "mean". For it to be mean, there would be a lot more to the intent and tone.

Question, OP: does your daughter receive any OT (occupational therapy) or counseling? Those could be two good resources to help your daughter improve her social skills.

And while certainly you want to keep thinking about the other suggestions, too, like the lunch bunch but maybe you want to think about how you can help her develop her social skills. Is she in scouts or does she do anything with your church or does she paly on any teams? Do you do any volunteer activities where she could tag along and interact with other people? I'm trying to brainstorm ideas so that she can practice skills and also increase her confidence in a way that will allow her to make overtures to these long-time classmates. It can be really hard to break patterns of behavior (for the other kids as well as your daughter) so any ways that you can help her to see herself differently and present herself differently will help in that matter.

Good luck and hugs to your sweet daughter!

NP. Ok, so it's rude. When I join a group for lunch I don't ask the other adults to rearrange themselves so I can sit next to my friend. Both my kids attended a small private and this kind of behavior was not

tolerated. No saving seats, no asking other kids to move, no telling other kids they can't join in a game. They had no problem finding a way to hang out with their friends and they had no problem learning how to be polite and go with the flow in terms of hanging out with other kids. One was very popular, one was shy and quirky like OP's daughter. They were both shown respect by their classmates.

OP, I think part of the problem may be the school. It's fine for her to not have best friends at school. But she should feel included. Have you talked to the school? This may one just not be the right match?

Agree. It doesn't like the school is building the social skills of any of the students. I have a girl who is very sweet and shy, she can also be very cliquey. I don't think that comes from a bad place (she just likes to be with people she feels most comfortable), but I work really hard to make sure that she is kind and welcoming to kids outside her circle, and it's as much for her benefit as for the other kids. Learning to chat and be pleasant with a wide range of people is a basic skill everyone needs. I would not be happy with her school if they were letting her exclude other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have a child this age, but I experienced some of this because I moved a lot and it was hard to be embraced by cliques that had already formed. My mom helped me by keeping me in activities outside of school where I built friendships that supplemented the interactions I had in school. That way my equity wasn’t established only in the experience of interactions with peers and children my age in a school setting, but with other peers who shared similar extracurricular interests. I was in theatre, dance, church events, social clubs to build self esteem. Maybe things like that could help for your daughter too. What does your daughter enjoy? Consider building on that in an outside network or volunteer opportunity if money is an issue. Help her see the bigger picture of life and encourage her to find satisfaction in owning her happiness early. I’m sure it’s tough to watch them navigate it all. Experiences outside of school where she builds new friendships, etc also gives something for your DD to share about if she chooses with her schoolmates and may intrigue them to learn more about her as a person instead of what they think they knew. Who knows, maybe new bonds can form from that? I wish I had more helpful advice, but my history, even the lonely parts, helped me grow in social confidence each time I went to a new school. And some of those traits established still serve me well now as an adult now.

+1
This is exactly the advice I was going to give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered changing school? She sounds like a great kid who just needs to find her tribe of sweet, quirky kids. That is really hard to do in a small school.

I disagree with this advice. Nobody is being mean to her. Nobody is picking on her. If she's been with the same kids since kinder and is in 5th now, presumably she'll switch to middle school next year and be around a new crop of kids then. She can certainly stick it out until next fall. Changing schools should only be for very extreme situations.

OP, I suggest you tell her to keep working on herself and meanwhile make sure she's in after-school activities with other kids. Religious school, dance, basketball, soccer, art, whatever.

Another kid asking her to move so they can sit next to their friend is definitely mean.

No it's not.

NP. May not necessarily be mean, but it's definitely hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Talking about how to handle it when others do things that inadvertently hurt your feelings is good. Kids save seats for their friends, and favor their friends in obvious ways. As they mature, and with good adult teaching and example, they learn rules of manners and to consider others' feelings.

Meanwhile, you teach your child that if someone chooses another over her, it's not about her. It's just that they may be closer friends with someone else.

And a huge thing that helps is to diversify your child's experiences. The more different circles she's in, outside of the school group, the more likely she will be to get perspective and to find herself with friends.

[Anonymous]

OP, if she is in a private school, nothing will change until she changes schools. I know from experience.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs that you should engage with the school counselor. Lunch bunch with the counselor is very popular (and successful) at my DDs small parochial school.

Once your DD is on the counselor’s radar they will stay on top of it, along with her teacher. But make sure you are being supportive and not falling into the “20 questions” trap after school. While well meaning, sometimes these questions (who did you sit with/play with/do group work with”) make a tween feel more anxious!

[Anonymous]

If she is being bullied, then the issue probably is a lot more serious than what she has told you
Nobody deserves to be treated like that. You need to make sure she knows that.

Worst case scenario is she stops eating at lunchtime. This could lead to all kinds of problems later on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PPs that you should engage with the school counselor. Lunch bunch with the counselor is very popular (and successful) at my DDs small parochial school.

Once your DD is on the counselor’s radar they will stay on top of it, along with her teacher. But make sure you are being supportive and not falling into the “20 questions” trap after school. While well meaning, sometimes these questions (who did you sit with/play with/do group work with”) make a tween feel more anxious!

Oh my goodness, this is so, so true! I’m definitely guilty of asking too many questions.

OP here - thank you all so much for the very, very valuable feedback. It’s been very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Saving seats should not be allowed. Get the administration on it.

[Anonymous]

My son was asked to be in a lunch bunch with a new kid in fifth grade. Now they are best friends. Definitely ask the school counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Saving seats should not be allowed. Get the administration on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered changing school? She sounds like a great kid who just needs to find her tribe of sweet, quirky kids. That is really hard to do in a small school.

I disagree with this advice. Nobody is being mean to her. Nobody is picking on her. If she's been with the same kids since kinder and is in 5th now, presumably she'll switch to middle school next year and be around a new crop of kids then. She can certainly stick it out until next fall. Changing schools should only be for very extreme situations.

OP, I suggest you tell her to keep working on herself and meanwhile make sure she's in after-school activities with other kids. Religious school, dance, basketball, soccer, art, whatever.

Another kid asking her to move so they can sit next to their friend is definitely mean.

No it's not.

NP. May not necessarily be mean, but it's definitely hurtful.

Yeah, that's life. If I'm at a food court and go to sit down and a stranger says "Oh, I was saving this seat for my friend - she's in line getting our food," I would just say "Okay" and move elsewhere. No big deal. I live in an area where many restaurants have communal tables, and it's totally normal for one person to save a seat or two while someone else gets the meal. As long as the kids aren't say "Ew, we don't want to sit with YOU!" or something like that this is not mean or bullying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saving seats should not be allowed. Get the administration on it.

Parent of a mean kid here ^^^. As long as your kid isn’t being rejected/ignored, right pp?

Yes op, please ask for help. If I saw this or was made aware it wouldn’t be ok. There are things that can be done, may not work on the first try, but asking your daughter to move is unacceptable.