Nobody wants to sit with DD

[Anonymous]

She’s in fifth grade and doesn’t really have any friends; she has mild special needs and is a bit socially awkward, shy and quirky, but she’s also very sweet and kind. She’s come such a long way and has matured a lot, but her grade is small and she’s been with the same kids since kindergarten. I’m guessing they perceive her a certain way and while they’re not unkind, they don’t think to include her; they mostly ignore her. It’s painful for her because like most kids her age, she really wants friends. Most of the time she takes things in stride; she has a healthy self-esteem, despite these challenges. But every now and then, she comes home sad and talks about how nobody wants to be her friend.

Apparently at the lunch table, kids routinely ask her to get up because they’re saving a seat for a friend; this happens in class too during work time, when kids can move around the room. Does this happen to most fifth grade girls at one time or another?

Any good advice on how to support her through this, and how to keep fostering her self-esteem in the absence of friendships? I’m hoping things open up for her in middle school, with more kids and different social opportunities. But in the meantime — how to keep her feeling good about herself?

[Anonymous]

Oh I'm so sorry OP. Can you can the school counselor? She may be able to help.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have a child this age, but I experienced some of this because I moved a lot and it was hard to be embraced by cliques that had already formed. My mom helped me by keeping me in activities outside of school where I built friendships that supplemented the interactions I had in school. That way my equity wasn’t established only in the experience of interactions with peers and children my age in a school setting, but with other peers who shared similar extracurricular interests. I was in theatre, dance, church events, social clubs to build self esteem. Maybe things like that could help for your daughter too. What does your daughter enjoy? Consider building on that in an outside network or volunteer opportunity if money is an issue. Help her see the bigger picture of life and encourage her to find satisfaction in owning her happiness early. I’m sure it’s tough to watch them navigate it all. Experiences outside of school where she builds new friendships, etc also gives something for your DD to share about if she chooses with her schoolmates and may intrigue them to learn more about her as a person instead of what they think they knew. Who knows, maybe new bonds can form from that? I wish I had more helpful advice, but my history, even the lonely parts, helped me grow in social confidence each time I went to a new school. And some of those traits established still serve me well now as an adult now.

[Anonymous]

As for lunch:
- as pp said, talk to the counselor, because they will often arrange “lunch groups” in their office and then in cafeteria because this happens to kids - girls and boys - all the time (gotta love those high schoolers who started the “eat with us” app!)

- will she start middle school in grade 6, and if so, is it a bigger group of kids than her elem school? if so, she has a great chance to break out to f her mold and meet new kids who don’t have poreconceived ideas about it. she sounds great and happy with herself and she would probably fast make friends in a new setting (which as a reminder to you, her parent, the ability to make new friends is a very positive strength in the long run of school and life)

- along thise lines, ai would encourage her to get involved in a new activity where she can meet kids who don’t have these preconceived ideas about her and her sweet and kind personnality can come through. I often suggest this, but the tech crew on the school play has been a place like that for my kids who can be a little socially awkward, too. At two different schools, it has been such a welcoming group of kids - a merry band of misfits of sorts but in the best possible way . Girl scouts is another idea. Or the school band or chorus if she is musical. Or an outside activity that soeaks to her interests, where can she have a chance to click with others because they have that interest in common.

[Anonymous]

Fifth grade has been the worst for that sort of thing in my daughters class. I can’t imagine what middle school brings for girls.

[Anonymous]

I would ask if the teacher or a counselor can do "lunch bunch" for your daughter. A small group forced together may make some (or at least one) realize "Oh, that girl is way better than she was in third grade!" and lead to them including her in future groups. Sometimes all it takes is one.

[Anonymous]

Is this public school or private school?
My answer would be different based on that info...

If private, I would email the teacher and they should be on it.
Public, you have a little less control, but I do like lunch bunch and counselor suggestions. I'm so sorry for your DD! That's so unfair. Is this her last year at the school? I would look for a bigger, more diverse school for her going forward. . Poor kid!

[Anonymous]

Have you considered changing school? She sounds like a great kid who just needs to find her tribe of sweet, quirky kids. That is really hard to do in a small school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered changing school? She sounds like a great kid who just needs to find her tribe of sweet, quirky kids. That is really hard to do in a small school.

+1 if her issues are mild enough, she may just need an opportunity to start fresh socially. A larger grade may help her find her tribe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered changing school? She sounds like a great kid who just needs to find her tribe of sweet, quirky kids. That is really hard to do in a small school.

I disagree with this advice. Nobody is being mean to her. Nobody is picking on her. If she's been with the same kids since kinder and is in 5th now, presumably she'll switch to middle school next year and be around a new crop of kids then. She can certainly stick it out until next fall. Changing schools should only be for very extreme situations.

OP, I suggest you tell her to keep working on herself and meanwhile make sure she's in after-school activities with other kids. Religious school, dance, basketball, soccer, art, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh I'm so sorry OP. Can you can the school counselor? She may be able to help.

OP - sounds like she is in some small private school somewhere. You might want to think about a new school. I don't want to minimize her issues, but the way you describe it is classic re a small school. At a bigger one, there'd be a few more awkward girls to befriend.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry. This is really hard. As you say that the kids are not overtly mean to her, but rather ignore her, I think a public middle school next year might be a much better situation (I would not imagine she would be picking on more in MS if she is not already being picked on in ES). My oldest child is "quirky" with minor special needs, and he was able to find a surprisingly large group of kids in middle school that all have their own issues and were very accepting of him. This was a big change from elementary school and for the better. 5th grade is a hard year. I agree with the PP that encouraging activities outside of school may be the best way to handle this phase. Best wishes to both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered changing school? She sounds like a great kid who just needs to find her tribe of sweet, quirky kids. That is really hard to do in a small school.

I disagree with this advice. Nobody is being mean to her. Nobody is picking on her. If she's been with the same kids since kinder and is in 5th now, presumably she'll switch to middle school next year and be around a new crop of kids then. She can certainly stick it out until next fall. Changing schools should only be for very extreme situations.

OP, I suggest you tell her to keep working on herself and meanwhile make sure she's in after-school activities with other kids. Religious school, dance, basketball, soccer, art, whatever.

Another kid asking her to move so they can sit next to their friend is definitely mean.

[Anonymous]

You need real help beyond dcum please find a good child therapist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered changing school? She sounds like a great kid who just needs to find her tribe of sweet, quirky kids. That is really hard to do in a small school.

I disagree with this advice. Nobody is being mean to her. Nobody is picking on her. If she's been with the same kids since kinder and is in 5th now, presumably she'll switch to middle school next year and be around a new crop of kids then. She can certainly stick it out until next fall. Changing schools should only be for very extreme situations.

OP, I suggest you tell her to keep working on herself and meanwhile make sure she's in after-school activities with other kids. Religious school, dance, basketball, soccer, art, whatever.

Another kid asking her to move so they can sit next to their friend is definitely mean.

No it's not.