Nobody wants to sit with DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered changing school? She sounds like a great kid who just needs to find her tribe of sweet, quirky kids. That is really hard to do in a small school.

I disagree with this advice. Nobody is being mean to her. Nobody is picking on her. If she's been with the same kids since kinder and is in 5th now, presumably she'll switch to middle school next year and be around a new crop of kids then. She can certainly stick it out until next fall. Changing schools should only be for very extreme situations.

OP, I suggest you tell her to keep working on herself and meanwhile make sure she's in after-school activities with other kids. Religious school, dance, basketball, soccer, art, whatever.

Another kid asking her to move so they can sit next to their friend is definitely mean.

No it's not.

NP. May not necessarily be mean, but it's definitely hurtful.

Yeah, that's life. If I'm at a food court and go to sit down and a stranger says "Oh, I was saving this seat for my friend - she's in line getting our food," I would just say "Okay" and move elsewhere. No big deal. I live in an area where many restaurants have communal tables, and it's totally normal for one person to save a seat or two while someone else gets the meal. As long as the kids aren't say "Ew, we don't want to sit with YOU!" or something like that this is not mean or bullying.

You’re really not comparing a mall food court to an elementary school cafeteria, are you? There’s really nothing similar about them other than they both have food, tables and people.

[Anonymous]

Saving seats shouldn't be allowed. Kids figure out how to make this work without doing it. For example, DS and his close friends try to coordinate to buy or bring lunch on the same days so they can sit near each other. Making someone move is mean, especially since she doesn't have other friends to sit with.

If this is a small school, I would make sure she was going to a much larger school next year. And lots of extra activities to porivde her with opportunities to meet friends.

[Anonymous]

OP this sounds like a girl at my kid's school - I think you both need therapy and to learn ways of integrating yourselves socially.

[Anonymous]

But forcing kids to not save seats or let anyone sit in a chair isn't going to help either. Yes, the kid can know sit there but the other kids will either move or talk around the kid as if they are not even there which is worse.

BTDT and having a kid with social issues is tough and as much as parents don't want to hear it - I know at first I didn't - it's not really an issue that the school can solve. It really takes the parents involvement. Lots of kids have social issues and have poor social skills in school. Worst advice is "ignore them" because it puts the child in a passive position of just waiting for something to happen to them to ignore it. Parents have to work with their child to develop friendships at school. It does involve setting up play dates, coaching your child before and sometimes during the play date and repeating. It's teaching the child some actual social skills and working on practicing them. Lastly, just sticking a kid in other activities may not produce any results. If the goal is socialization and friend making, parents have to look for an activity that their child can do reasonably well and does not have a closed group of kids already involved ex a team that had been together for 5 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this sounds like a girl at my kid's school - I think you both need therapy and to learn ways of integrating yourselves socially.

OP here. DD goes to public school - but it’s small, only 2 classes in the fifth grade. Doubt we know you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But forcing kids to not save seats or let anyone sit in a chair isn't going to help either. Yes, the kid can know sit there but the other kids will either move or talk around the kid as if they are not even there which is worse.

BTDT and having a kid with social issues is tough and as much as parents don't want to hear it - I know at first I didn't - it's not really an issue that the school can solve. It really takes the parents involvement. Lots of kids have social issues and have poor social skills in school. Worst advice is "ignore them" because it puts the child in a passive position of just waiting for something to happen to them to ignore it. Parents have to work with their child to develop friendships at school. It does involve setting up play dates, coaching your child before and sometimes during the play date and repeating. It's teaching the child some actual social skills and working on practicing them. Lastly, just sticking a kid in other activities may not produce any results. If the goal is socialization and friend making, parents have to look for an activity that their child can do reasonably well and does not have a closed group of kids already involved ex a team that had been together for 5 years.

I’m dealing with this and I have an 8th grader. She has attended social skills class, I’ve been very active setting up play dates in the past, we talk about different social situations and she is active in a few outside activities. Even with all this, it’s tough. This has not has solved her problems but I think it’s made things better than they would have been if we did nothing.

The other important things to remember is to make sure your child knows that you love them and they are enough as they are. It’s very easy to get caught up in smoothing the quirks and rough edges and it can feel like you are always apologizing for them. At some point, they will find the person/people that can appreciate them for who they are and you want to make sure they love themselves and they know how to be a friend when that time comes. The school can’t make the other kids be friends with your kid but they can try to teach empathy and kindness and parents can help reinforce that with their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this sounds like a girl at my kid's school - I think you both need therapy and to learn ways of integrating yourselves socially.

OP here. DD goes to public school - but it’s small, only 2 classes in the fifth grade. Doubt we know you.

I doubt I know you too, but if you have the same issues as the people I know, I think similarly you need therapy - for your child and for you, because obviously your child is not learning from you and perhaps you have the same tendencies as they do and could benefit from therapy for yourself. That was my point, however poorly I made it the first time. T.H.E.R.A.P.Y.

[Anonymous]

Is she victimized (emotionally, physically) within your family dynamic (e.g, by an older sibling)? Some of this may carry over into how she handles relationships at school. She may lack agency because she feels she has no power to influence or engage with peers. She accepts the status quo. Pointing this out because you mention that she is not actively excluded but, at the same time, is not included. Some people are naturally magnetic and are often automatically included but most people have to actively insert themselves to "be included." Kids at this stage are not welcoming with open arms but will respond to others who can engage them even a little bit. It is a 2 way street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this sounds like a girl at my kid's school - I think you both need therapy and to learn ways of integrating yourselves socially.

OP here. DD goes to public school - but it’s small, only 2 classes in the fifth grade. Doubt we know you.

I doubt I know you too, but if you have the same issues as the people I know, I think similarly you need therapy - for your child and for you, because obviously your child is not learning from you and perhaps you have the same tendencies as they do and could benefit from therapy for yourself. That was my point, however poorly I made it the first time. T.H.E.R.A.P.Y.

Huh? What about OP's posts suggest she needs therapy. She said her daughter has mild special needs and has matured a lot recently. Kids don't have special needs because they don't have parents modeling good socialization skills and good socialization skills might not be enough if opinions are already set/cliques formed. Thankfully, other PPs gave OP good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this sounds like a girl at my kid's school - I think you both need therapy and to learn ways of integrating yourselves socially.

OP here. DD goes to public school - but it’s small, only 2 classes in the fifth grade. Doubt we know you.

I doubt I know you too, but if you have the same issues as the people I know, I think similarly you need therapy - for your child and for you, because obviously your child is not learning from you and perhaps you have the same tendencies as they do and could benefit from therapy for yourself. That was my point, however poorly I made it the first time. T.H.E.R.A.P.Y.

Huh? What about OP's posts suggest she needs therapy. She said her daughter has mild special needs and has matured a lot recently. Kids don't have special needs because they don't have parents modeling good socialization skills and good socialization skills might not be enough if opinions are already set/cliques formed. Thankfully, other PPs gave OP good advice.

The reason is because she said "bit socially awkward, shy and quirky" and that she comes home from school saying no one wants to be her friend. NO ONE. These people need help. I expect you're the OP and know full well you need therapy and are only here in the hope there is a quick fix that will help you continue to avoid it, which there is just not.

[Anonymous]

Nobody should be saving seats, and relocating other kids. My child's teacher created assigned lunch seating in the cafeteria for this very purpose.

As the mother of a socially-awkward daughter, I implore you to teach your daughter to stand her ground. I. Am. Sitting. Here. Then sit. Let the other girls wave down a lunch helper to complain if they must, but tell your daughter to tell the lunch helper that these girls said she couldn't sit there and had to move.

The only way to deal with bullies like this is to stand up for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this sounds like a girl at my kid's school - I think you both need therapy and to learn ways of integrating yourselves socially.

OP here. DD goes to public school - but it’s small, only 2 classes in the fifth grade. Doubt we know you.

I doubt I know you too, but if you have the same issues as the people I know, I think similarly you need therapy - for your child and for you, because obviously your child is not learning from you and perhaps you have the same tendencies as they do and could benefit from therapy for yourself. That was my point, however poorly I made it the first time. T.H.E.R.A.P.Y.

Huh? What about OP's posts suggest she needs therapy. She said her daughter has mild special needs and has matured a lot recently. Kids don't have special needs because they don't have parents modeling good socialization skills and good socialization skills might not be enough if opinions are already set/cliques formed. Thankfully, other PPs gave OP good advice.

I agree. I don't see how therapy will work to improve social skills. it might work for a younger child or one with special needs, but social interactions are more complicated than just knowing which canned phrase to use in certain situations. my daughter went to therapy to help with other issues. I brought up her social challenges and the therapist agrees.that for the average kid, it is more a matter of being yourself and finding your people than changing yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody should be saving seats, and relocating other kids. My child's teacher created assigned lunch seating in the cafeteria for this very purpose.

As the mother of a socially-awkward daughter, I implore you to teach your daughter to stand her ground. I. Am. Sitting. Here. Then sit. Let the other girls wave down a lunch helper to complain if they must, but tell your daughter to tell the lunch helper that these girls said she couldn't sit there and had to move.

The only way to deal with bullies like this is to stand up for yourself.

Ehh, that's not how the daughter will make any friends, this will only ostracize her further. This isn't the same thing as standing up to a bully, which I agree with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this sounds like a girl at my kid's school - I think you both need therapy and to learn ways of integrating yourselves socially.

OP here. DD goes to public school - but it’s small, only 2 classes in the fifth grade. Doubt we know you.

I doubt I know you too, but if you have the same issues as the people I know, I think similarly you need therapy - for your child and for you, because obviously your child is not learning from you and perhaps you have the same tendencies as they do and could benefit from therapy for yourself. That was my point, however poorly I made it the first time. T.H.E.R.A.P.Y.

NP here. What a rude post. OP, I've had a similar situation. We did lots of therapy. It only helps to a point.

[Anonymous]

My dd was very shy, though didn't have special needs. One thing I found was that if I invited girls over for something fun (like a bday party or cookie-decorating) then she was the most popular girl in school for some time after. I'm not sure if this would work with the dynamic in your school (you'd want to back-channel with parents to make sure their daughters come to the party, and 5th grade is a bit old for that back channeling). But it may help her integrate with the group a bit.