Newly diagnosed mental illness. Limit contact?

[Anonymous]

It’s not the OP’s “duty to go see about” her mother; how absurd.

OP: find out what the diagnosis is. Let your mother get settled in on whatever her treatment regime is. Until then, no contact with your kids.

“Alone time” is not the issue—what a nutty relative can do in the way of damage while parents are around is flabbergasting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's odd that you even have to ask

my god, some people on here have absolutely zero empathy.

OP, I'm really sorry. This sounds like a very painful situation. I don't think you should have any contact with your mother, as she sounds unpredictable and violent.

Thanks. This is hard. My relationship with my mom has always been rocky, but my DC loves her, and DC makes my mom happy (when she isn’t crying or yelling). I hate that I have to limit access, not only because it will hurt my mom, but it will hurt DC too. They were spending a lot of time together before my mom started having these mood changes. It’s been a hard few months.

OP, is this sudden onset? Did she have a history of mental illness or erratic behavior prior to a few months ago? Or during your childhood? If not, I’d be concerned that there are other neurological roots to her behavior.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you visit your mother without your child? Or, if all seems well, take your child for a supervised visit? I'm not sure what about this situation means you have to severely limit contact. Clearly no visits alone for your daughter, but what the problem with a couple of supervised hours and leaving if things go left?

[Anonymous]

Being in treatment is a GOOD thing. That sounds better than before.

You mention violence as a tangential point at the end. If she is actually violent, then I would absolutely keep your daughter away for the moment. But there are terrible and wrong stigmas about people with mental illnesses and violence. Please don't fall prey to them.

[Anonymous]

Is this your mom OP? http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/709406.page

I think you’re doing the right thing to limit contact and only allow supervised contact. I think you should visit alone too, if you’re able. My parents would be jerks about it if I showed up alone. One time I left the kids with MIL and I met my parents for lunch, and they basically told me they didn’t want to see me without the kids. I must’ve looked hurt because they said they were joking but it was like sorry not sorry. If your mom is going to be like that, I wouldn’t subject myself to that repeatedly. I’d keep trying periodically though, as long as she’s trying to get treatment. Finding the right meds can be miraculous.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to gauge your reactions to her behavior, not her diagnosis. If you feel your children are not safe, then of course, you would not allow your children to be alone with your mother. But, it's the behavior that should govern, not a diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this your mom OP? http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/709406.page

I think you’re doing the right thing to limit contact and only allow supervised contact. I think you should visit alone too, if you’re able. My parents would be jerks about it if I showed up alone. One time I left the kids with MIL and I met my parents for lunch, and they basically told me they didn’t want to see me without the kids. I must’ve looked hurt because they said they were joking but it was like sorry not sorry. If your mom is going to be like that, I wouldn’t subject myself to that repeatedly. I’d keep trying periodically though, as long as she’s trying to get treatment. Finding the right meds can be miraculous.

Yes, that’s me.

Thanks for all the replies. I haven’t seen my mom since she started treatment purely because of basic logistics. I plan on seeing her soon, alone.

[Anonymous]

If she is having mood changes has she been checked for a brain tumor too??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being dramatic and cold.

I wouldn't allow alone time with your child, what I would do is leave the child with your husband and YOU actually go and spend some time with your ailing mother. Because from your post it seems like you don't see it as your duty as her child to go see about her.

I agree with the PP that you, OP, do need to step up and go see your mother. It sounds as though you've done your best to isolate her and that can't be helping her mental health situation at all.

I agree that your daughter should not be alone with your mother until her situation stabilizes but I like the suggestions of another PP that your daughter can draw pictures or send cards or even make cookies to send to Grandma, who can't see her right now. You can say Grandma is "sick" or "very tired" or whatever you need to.

But you do need to get over to see your Mom and get involved with her so that you are not contributing to her problems. And your Dad could probably use the help since you have in effect isolated him, too.

Puh-lease. You're as bad as OP's dad. The problems OP's mother is experiencing are not of OP's making or contribution. Actions have consequences and, mental illness or not, poor behavior pushes people away. And, 'isolate' doesn't mean what you think it means.

[Anonymous]

My stepdad is bipolar and has early-onset dementia, and before my mom stopped him from driving I told her that under no circumstances was he to drive my children even down the street at their house. She is in charge when they visit, and I expected her to stay in control of the situation. He was dangerous, and I saw it before she did. She complied, because if she hadn't, my youngest would have blurted it out because he told everything and she knew it. I didn't care about hurt feelings more than I cared about my children's safety. This was years ago, she took his keys, and he has no access to a vehicle now. Your child's safety is most important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being dramatic and cold.

I wouldn't allow alone time with your child, what I would do is leave the child with your husband and YOU actually go and spend some time with your ailing mother. Because from your post it seems like you don't see it as your duty as her child to go see about her.

I agree with the PP that you, OP, do need to step up and go see your mother. It sounds as though you've done your best to isolate her and that can't be helping her mental health situation at all.

I agree that your daughter should not be alone with your mother until her situation stabilizes but I like the suggestions of another PP that your daughter can draw pictures or send cards or even make cookies to send to Grandma, who can't see her right now. You can say Grandma is "sick" or "very tired" or whatever you need to.

But you do need to get over to see your Mom and get involved with her so that you are not contributing to her problems. And your Dad could probably use the help since you have in effect isolated him, too.

Puh-lease. You're as bad as OP's dad. The problems OP's mother is experiencing are not of OP's making or contribution. Actions have consequences and, mental illness or not, poor behavior pushes people away. And, 'isolate' doesn't mean what you think it means.

I find it interesting that the very people on these boards who castigate grandparents - 'their' parents - for not doing everything 'grandparently' in relation to them: a) pick up my kid(s) after school 2-3x a week!, b) come over and nurse me through my PPD, c) you didn't give me a $50,000 downpayment!, and d) you spend more time with SIL than me!, are also the same people who don't want to expend the littlest energy to actually do something good for those parents themselves. Every example I gave was a thread I've seen here of whining adult children when their parent told them 'no' essentially, but the minute said parent might need you to help - oh, what's that? 'Not my responsibility'.

[Anonymous]

I think it's important to distinguish the illness from the behavior. While you are correct that some of the things making your mother feel unwell are outside of her control, she is still responsible for her behavior. Remember that many people who behave destructively have rationales and have themselves been treated poorly. They still know right from wrong, and they still have other options for self care and help rather than lashing out aggressively.

It sounds like there is potential here for your mom to be emotionally or physically abusive, which can absolutely be traumatizing to your child and to you, even if there is no injury that needs to be treated. I would trust your instinct about your father too. He's chosen to live with your mom, and it is challenging for him to upset the status quo or to dwell on the possibility that things might be out of control.

I understand the people who are saying that you should help to take care of your mom. This is a natural instinct that a lot, maybe most, of us have. However, know that you don't need to do anything out of obligation or guilt. When someone is deeply distressed and we are not the source of that distress, we can't fix it. Our presence and actions can temporarily soothe people, but they can't fix others' problems. We are the only people who can fix ourselves, sometimes with the help of long-term therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being dramatic and cold.

I wouldn't allow alone time with your child, what I would do is leave the child with your husband and YOU actually go and spend some time with your ailing mother. Because from your post it seems like you don't see it as your duty as her child to go see about her.

I agree with the PP that you, OP, do need to step up and go see your mother. It sounds as though you've done your best to isolate her and that can't be helping her mental health situation at all.

I agree that your daughter should not be alone with your mother until her situation stabilizes but I like the suggestions of another PP that your daughter can draw pictures or send cards or even make cookies to send to Grandma, who can't see her right now. You can say Grandma is "sick" or "very tired" or whatever you need to.

But you do need to get over to see your Mom and get involved with her so that you are not contributing to her problems. And your Dad could probably use the help since you have in effect isolated him, too.

Puh-lease. You're as bad as OP's dad. The problems OP's mother is experiencing are not of OP's making or contribution. Actions have consequences and, mental illness or not, poor behavior pushes people away. And, 'isolate' doesn't mean what you think it means.

I find it interesting that the very people on these boards who castigate grandparents - 'their' parents - for not doing everything 'grandparently' in relation to them: a) pick up my kid(s) after school 2-3x a week!, b) come over and nurse me through my PPD, c) you didn't give me a $50,000 downpayment!, and d) you spend more time with SIL than me!, are also the same people who don't want to expend the littlest energy to actually do something good for those parents themselves. Every example I gave was a thread I've seen here of whining adult children when their parent told them 'no' essentially, but the minute said parent might need you to help - oh, what's that? 'Not my responsibility'.

Riiight. Every single person complaining about a parent not being helpful enough also complains about having to do stuff for the parent. I'm wondering how you've managed to identify and match every poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being dramatic and cold.

I wouldn't allow alone time with your child, what I would do is leave the child with your husband and YOU actually go and spend some time with your ailing mother. Because from your post it seems like you don't see it as your duty as her child to go see about her.

I agree with the PP that you, OP, do need to step up and go see your mother. It sounds as though you've done your best to isolate her and that can't be helping her mental health situation at all.

I agree that your daughter should not be alone with your mother until her situation stabilizes but I like the suggestions of another PP that your daughter can draw pictures or send cards or even make cookies to send to Grandma, who can't see her right now. You can say Grandma is "sick" or "very tired" or whatever you need to.

But you do need to get over to see your Mom and get involved with her so that you are not contributing to her problems. And your Dad could probably use the help since you have in effect isolated him, too.

Puh-lease. You're as bad as OP's dad. The problems OP's mother is experiencing are not of OP's making or contribution. Actions have consequences and, mental illness or not, poor behavior pushes people away. And, 'isolate' doesn't mean what you think it means.

I find it interesting that the very people on these boards who castigate grandparents - 'their' parents - for not doing everything 'grandparently' in relation to them: a) pick up my kid(s) after school 2-3x a week!, b) come over and nurse me through my PPD, c) you didn't give me a $50,000 downpayment!, and d) you spend more time with SIL than me!, are also the same people who don't want to expend the littlest energy to actually do something good for those parents themselves. Every example I gave was a thread I've seen here of whining adult children when their parent told them 'no' essentially, but the minute said parent might need you to help - oh, what's that? 'Not my responsibility'.

Riiight. Every single person complaining about a parent not being helpful enough also complains about having to do stuff for the parent. I'm wondering how you've managed to identify and match every poster.

Considering the majority of these family threads are complaining about parent-adult child issues, yeah I'd say it is. The nickname one especially amuses me.