Exposed to depression and anxiety at grandma’s?

[Anonymous]

Just got in a big fight with my parents because we haven’t been “allowing” our child to spend the night in months. Truth is, that’s only partially true; our DC has been uncomfortable the past few visits with grandparents. We’ve been coming up with plans or reasons why sleep overs can’t happen. The parent in question has long struggled with anxiety and depression, and in the past months it has been much worse. When our DC comes home she complains of hearing grandma crying all night, grandma and grandpa arguing, and grandma bringing up and crying over dead family members and pets. Our child is 7 and becomes fixated on death in the days after she spends the night. My dad, grandpa, is no help. He’s developed a sort of Stockholm Syndrome to cope with dealing with her.

I know the crying and the death talk comes from the depression, and that the anxiety causes the bickering. It’s no longer a place we feel our child needs to go for extended periods alone, and not a place she desires to go alone either. The atmosphere hasn’t been appropriate lately. But how do you tell this to someone so deeply depressed and anxious without sending them over the edge?

[Anonymous]

Sending them over the edge is not your problem. But I can see why you might want to soften the blow. Focus on the facts.

"Larla has described hearing Mom cry all night, hearing you argue, and there being a lot of discussion of death and loss. We have noticed that she is very stressed and anxious after an overnight. As her parents, we have to look out for her and our decision is that these overnights don't work for her now. When things are better, maybe we can try again."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sending them over the edge is not your problem. But I can see why you might want to soften the blow. Focus on the facts.

"Larla has described hearing Mom cry all night, hearing you argue, and there being a lot of discussion of death and loss. We have noticed that she is very stressed and anxious after an overnight. As her parents, we have to look out for her and our decision is that these overnights don't work for her now. When things are better, maybe we can try again."

Thanks. I think this is a lose-lose situation no matter what I decide to do. I like this script though.

[Anonymous]

Protect your child. You're an adult and can make decisions to just say "no more overnights." No reason is necessary.

[Anonymous]

Over what edge exactly? Is she a suicide risk? Unless ahe is, I would not hesitate in being harsh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over what edge exactly? Is she a suicide risk? Unless ahe is, I would not hesitate in being harsh.

OP agree and no, but she’s prone to sobbing fits and staying in bed for days until she gets her way (or grows tired). My dad will call and tell us to make up so she will stop crying and get out of bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over what edge exactly? Is she a suicide risk? Unless ahe is, I would not hesitate in being harsh.

OP agree and no, but she’s prone to sobbing fits and staying in bed for days until she gets her way (or grows tired). My dad will call and tell us to make up so she will stop crying and get out of bed.

When your dad tells you this, do you ask if she's seen a doctor? Do you mention that your mom needs an antidepressant?

Many people don't understand that it's not a moral failing to take medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over what edge exactly? Is she a suicide risk? Unless ahe is, I would not hesitate in being harsh.

OP agree and no, but she’s prone to sobbing fits and staying in bed for days until she gets her way (or grows tired). My dad will call and tell us to make up so she will stop crying and get out of bed.

When your dad tells you this, do you ask if she's seen a doctor? Do you mention that your mom needs an antidepressant?

Many people don't understand that it's not a moral failing to take medication.

She’s seen a therapist (ongoing) and is on meds (which she is constantly adjusting). I’m beginning to wonder if it’s manipulation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over what edge exactly? Is she a suicide risk? Unless ahe is, I would not hesitate in being harsh.

OP agree and no, but she’s prone to sobbing fits and staying in bed for days until she gets her way (or grows tired). My dad will call and tell us to make up so she will stop crying and get out of bed.

When your dad tells you this, do you ask if she's seen a doctor? Do you mention that your mom needs an antidepressant?

Many people don't understand that it's not a moral failing to take medication.

She’s seen a therapist (ongoing) and is on meds (which she is constantly adjusting). I’m beginning to wonder if it’s manipulation.

Possibly but she’s crying at a time when your dad is overhearing it. That didn’t serve a purpose for her b/c you’re restricting her visits.

If she’s constantly adjusting her meds, she probably isn’t getting a benefit. They need take time to build up in her system to be effective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sending them over the edge is not your problem. But I can see why you might want to soften the blow. Focus on the facts.

"Larla has described hearing Mom cry all night, hearing you argue, and there being a lot of discussion of death and loss. We have noticed that she is very stressed and anxious after an overnight. As her parents, we have to look out for her and our decision is that these overnights don't work for her now. When things are better, maybe we can try again."

Thanks. I think this is a lose-lose situation no matter what I decide to do. I like this script though.

It's not a lose-lose situation. Your daughter will be winning. It's only a loss to your parents. And parents have to provide a stable environment for children. Period. Full stop.
On another note, it sounds like your mom is sad about her impending death? Can you get her therapy for that? Talk to her doctor? I have had a lot of older relatives, plus lived in Florida for several years, so I am an expert in Old People Psychological/Sociological Issues and I assure you that her ways are not the norm for her age.