Newly diagnosed mental illness. Limit contact?

[Anonymous]

I’ve posted before about my mother who’s been dealing with anxiety/depression issues. We haven’t been allowing our DC to visit with her alone because of her unpredictable behavior (fighting with my dad, crying, talk of death/deceased family and pets.) It recently came out that she’s been undergoing psychiatric care after an incident in which she destroyed some things at home after a bout of anger with my dad. Still undiagnosed officially, it’s clear she has some sort of mental illness, and we will have our turn to tell our story with her doctor soon.

I think access should be extremely limited, absolutely no alone time. She’s now violent and on very new medication. I haven’t even seen her in person since my dad delivered this news. However, now that it’s all out on the table and she’s working with a doctor and it’s “not her fault”, she thinks everything should be fine. I have no clue what to do here. My dad thinks I’m being dramatic and cold (as I said in another post, he tends to defend her, he has to live with her.)

Please reassure me I am doing the right thing limiting visitations. I’m sort of lost here.

[Anonymous]

You should not allow alone visits EVER, her DD's whole life long.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's odd that you even have to ask

[Anonymous]

If she is being violent and destructive you are absolutely doing the right thing.

While mental illness is treatable you should give the treatment some time to start working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's odd that you even have to ask

I’m sort of in a cloud. I’m not sure up from down with this situation. I just feel like no matter what, I lose. My mother is so depressed and I hate to make it worse, even though I know it’s the only option. I guess I’m mostly venting, getting it off my chest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's odd that you even have to ask

my god, some people on here have absolutely zero empathy.

OP, I'm really sorry. This sounds like a very painful situation. I don't think you should have any contact with your mother, as she sounds unpredictable and violent.

[Anonymous]

In your shoes, I think you should a) see her in person and b) talk with her psychiatrist before bringing the kids around her.

Ask the psychiatrist pointed questions, do research on her condition once it is known.

And, no, they don't get to see the kids without you anymore, period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's odd that you even have to ask

my god, some people on here have absolutely zero empathy.

OP, I'm really sorry. This sounds like a very painful situation. I don't think you should have any contact with your mother, as she sounds unpredictable and violent.

Thanks. This is hard. My relationship with my mom has always been rocky, but my DC loves her, and DC makes my mom happy (when she isn’t crying or yelling). I hate that I have to limit access, not only because it will hurt my mom, but it will hurt DC too. They were spending a lot of time together before my mom started having these mood changes. It’s been a hard few months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's odd that you even have to ask

my god, some people on here have absolutely zero empathy.

OP, I'm really sorry. This sounds like a very painful situation. I don't think you should have any contact with your mother, as she sounds unpredictable and violent.

Thanks. This is hard. My relationship with my mom has always been rocky, but my DC loves her, and DC makes my mom happy (when she isn’t crying or yelling). I hate that I have to limit access, not only because it will hurt my mom, but it will hurt DC too. They were spending a lot of time together before my mom started having these mood changes. It’s been a hard few months.

I have to point out that your DC does not 'make' your mother happy. Your DC make distract your mother but how your mother feels is on her, not you or your DC. You cannot make it better or worse. Your DC's safety is your priority. As a PP said, give the treatment time to work and absolutely do not allow our DC to be alone with your parents (not just your mother) until your mother is stabilized. You are NOT being dramatic or cold. That your father is trying to guilt you into allowing these visits does not speak well of his ability to make rational decisions when it comes to your mother and your DC.

[Anonymous]

Warning: certain meds cause mood swings, hence possibly violence.

Someone should follow-up with several psychiatrists, if need be, to double check whether this is not med-related.

When my FIL began having all kinds of reactions to his new anti-depressants, the psych didn't want to hear about them, and my husband, who is an internist himself, had to accompany his father to an appointment and throw his weight about before the psych agreed to try something else... and magically FIL's side effects disappeared!

[Anonymous]

I would see her by yourself a few times and see where things are. Then make a decision about possibly doing supervised, short visits with DC.

No, under no circumstances should you let DC go alone or leave DC there alone.

Your #1 priority at this point is your own child. I think grandparents can sometimes lose sight of this. Your relationship with your mother and her feelings have to come second to protecting your own child. They just have to. And adults that don't get this are going to be very lonely adults and grandparents.

[Anonymous]

I dunno. What did she destroy? I mean, I've destroyed things in a fit of anger, like ripped something up when arguing with my spouse. I also have been diagnosed with depression and am on meds. And am totally fine taking care of a kid because, you know, I have a treated mental illness that's very common and I keep together around the kids. Lots and lots of people cry, talk about death, argue with their spouses. So I guess I can't know how "cold" and overly dramatic you are being without knowing the full details here. But anyway, if you don't want her to be with the kid alone then fine, but there's no reason to talk about "restricting access" unless she otherwise had been taking care of your kid alone a lot or something. Just go and visit together with your kid, what's the big deal? It sounds like she'd like to see your kid and it's a mitzvah to let them be together so just go and read on the couch while she and your kid bake cookies or whatever.

[Anonymous]

I think you can find safer ways for them to maintain contact right now while she works on getting to a more stable point. So, maybe your kid can draw her pictures/write her cards etc. My kids loved sending emoji filled texts/emails to their grandparents before they could read/write. Let her know she is still loved. You can screen anything she sends back.

Over time, you can progress to phone calls or FaceTime and then in person visits if she becomes more stable.

[Anonymous]

You are being dramatic and cold.

I wouldn't allow alone time with your child, what I would do is leave the child with your husband and YOU actually go and spend some time with your ailing mother. Because from your post it seems like you don't see it as your duty as her child to go see about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are being dramatic and cold.

I wouldn't allow alone time with your child, what I would do is leave the child with your husband and YOU actually go and spend some time with your ailing mother. Because from your post it seems like you don't see it as your duty as her child to go see about her.

I agree with the PP that you, OP, do need to step up and go see your mother. It sounds as though you've done your best to isolate her and that can't be helping her mental health situation at all.

I agree that your daughter should not be alone with your mother until her situation stabilizes but I like the suggestions of another PP that your daughter can draw pictures or send cards or even make cookies to send to Grandma, who can't see her right now. You can say Grandma is "sick" or "very tired" or whatever you need to.

But you do need to get over to see your Mom and get involved with her so that you are not contributing to her problems. And your Dad could probably use the help since you have in effect isolated him, too.