Social issues at base school

[Anonymous]

14:54. You also seem to me to be confusing best friends with friends. Not every friendship needs to be so close and so perfectly aligned with common interests. A walk in the hall with someone having a cheerful discussion. Talking to someone waiting in line. Being friendly to someone on your sports team or art project or just someone sitting at your table.

[Anonymous]

Yes of course your kid should be f or sky to kids on a sports team or working group projects with him. We are not talking about that, though. We are talking about whether a seventh or eighth grader who sees a child sitting alone outside of the classroom eating lunch who is also, her self, rushing to get to the lunch room for her own social hour, is actually going to stop and talk to a stranger because the stranger might look sad? I just don’t see that happening nor, do I think it’s realistic to expect any of us to do that, unless you’re thinking of an adult doing that for a child (such as a teacher asking if the student is ok)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes of course your kid should be f or sky to kids on a sports team or working group projects with him. We are not talking about that, though. We are talking about whether a seventh or eighth grader who sees a child sitting alone outside of the classroom eating lunch who is also, her self, rushing to get to the lunch room for her own social hour, is actually going to stop and talk to a stranger because the stranger might look sad? I just don’t see that happening nor, do I think it’s realistic to expect any of us to do that, unless you’re thinking of an adult doing that for a child (such as a teacher asking if the student is ok)

If your child is being friendly to another child who might not have many friends than likely there would have been an opportunity to invite them to eat lunch in a more organic way.

[Anonymous]

Np here. It seems to me there is something your DD isn't telling you. Is she being bullied? Did she have friends and now she doesn't? See if she'll open up to you or to the school counselor. I wouldn't send her to a boarding school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Np here. It seems to me there is something your DD isn't telling you. Is she being bullied? Did she have friends and now she doesn't? See if she'll open up to you or to the school counselor. I wouldn't send her to a boarding school.

I would tend to agree with this comment. I think there might be more to the story here that the adults might not know about. If a child is sitting alone in 8th grade during lunch hour (outside of the classroom), it would seem there is more going on then she just has not connected with any peers or even that she is more of an introvert.

I am not sure about the middle school dynamic in public school, but usually kids don't eat in or outside of classrooms correct? They eat in the cafeteria, and most of the middles schools in Fairfax County are large enough that almost everyone is able to find at least one person that they can be around/sit with for lunch by this time in 8th grade (especially if they have been with some of the kids on/off since kindergarten).

My niece had a period in seventh grade where she sat alone during lunch and my SIL later found out it was because the lead girl of her group of friends (well the girls she had always hung out with), felt that my niece was "putting on airs" (this is all third hand so take it with a grain of salt), and spread some rumors on social media, after which none of her group would talk or sit with her. She was very lonely and upset for a couple weeks before she was able to find some other kids to sit with and eventually some of the other girls started talking to her again (after the next big thing came along). But I don't think she ever really forgot it and was always a little more reserved after that incident.

All in all, it was a big reminder to me how cruel the social dynamics between, children, especially girls can be in school. My SIL tried to intervene by contacting the mothers of some of the girls and the school, but that just seemed to make it worse.

Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

Why wouldn't you look for a small private school instead of boarding school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes of course your kid should be f or sky to kids on a sports team or working group projects with him. We are not talking about that, though. We are talking about whether a seventh or eighth grader who sees a child sitting alone outside of the classroom eating lunch who is also, her self, rushing to get to the lunch room for her own social hour, is actually going to stop and talk to a stranger because the stranger might look sad? I just don’t see that happening nor, do I think it’s realistic to expect any of us to do that, unless you’re thinking of an adult doing that for a child (such as a teacher asking if the student is ok)

If your child is being friendly to another child who might not have many friends than likely there would have been an opportunity to invite them to eat lunch in a more organic way.

Passing a child in a hallway isn’t a scenerio to be friendly. You are reading what you want into this.

[Anonymous]

OP, one thing that you've probably considered but I'm not sure others who've posted on here considered is this. Maybe your DD is more happy or at peace eating by herself. I know that when I was 12-13 I suffered from pretty extreme social anxiety and thanks to the kindness of a teacher, I was able to eat lunch by myself in her empty classroom. I was also identified as GT (that's what it was called back in the day) and though eventually I did break out of my shell and have a 1 year old DD of my own, I remember those times where I able to just be by myself as a positive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that 8th grade DD eats lunch alone, sitting outside a classroom, every day. I'm afraid our decision to keep her at her base school, vs sending her to the AAP center is a big part of the reason. I'm hoping this helps other parents make a better choice for their kid in the future.

Background:

DD was identified for AAP in 2nd grade and offered a spot at the center. For multiple reasons we decided to stay with base school that does not have a LLIV program, but does have a pull-out program. Several of her close friends did transfer to the center.

We chose to stay at the base school due to having siblings at the base school, and DD has a late August birthday so is one of the youngest and smallest in her class. We were worried, ironically, that she would struggle more at the center, being the smallest and youngest (of her friends that went to the center, they were all 6-12 months older than her).

The base school did a good job differentiating- walk to math and pullouts for language arts. We did a lot of enrichment as a family. I don't feel that her education suffered by staying at the base school. She did okay socially at the base school- having known some of the kids since K and having a very good friend in the neighborhood- but was definitely on the periphery of the group.

The school encouraged us to send her to the AAP center for middle school, but we again chose the base school. This was in discussion with DD, but I don't think she realized that many of her friends from early elementary would be at the center. I think she thought it would be like going to an entirely new school. I now think this was a mistake.

Her elementary is a split feeder. By luck of the draw, most of her closer friends went to another middle school. She is in the honors classes in middle school and has a few friends, but has not really found a niche. Unfortunately, the two or three girls she is closest with have a different lunch period. I will say, we are less impressed with honors classes in middle school than we were with the differentiation in elementary school.

I'm hoping this gets better, as the AAP kids come back for high school, and they can take AP classes together. If not, we may consider boarding school for 10-12, to give her a chance to start over. If I had it to do over again, I would have definitely sent DD to the AAP center in middle school for both social and academic reasons.

Have you talked to your DD about it? find out why she sits alone, what is bothering her? Is it her personality/shy/introvert etc. then check with school counselor and find the remedy. Easy way will be to organized some sort of party/activity, invite few girls she likes in class and let the nature takes it own course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes of course your kid should be f or sky to kids on a sports team or working group projects with him. We are not talking about that, though. We are talking about whether a seventh or eighth grader who sees a child sitting alone outside of the classroom eating lunch who is also, her self, rushing to get to the lunch room for her own social hour, is actually going to stop and talk to a stranger because the stranger might look sad? I just don’t see that happening nor, do I think it’s realistic to expect any of us to do that, unless you’re thinking of an adult doing that for a child (such as a teacher asking if the student is ok)

If your child is being friendly to another child who might not have many friends than likely there would have been an opportunity to invite them to eat lunch in a more organic way.

Passing a child in a hallway isn’t a scenerio to be friendly. You are reading what you want into this.

If a hallway is the only time you see a child that could use a friend, then you are practicing avoidance.

[Anonymous]

How the heck does a 12 year old passing another kid "know" he needs a friend. You're making a lot of assumptions. Kid could sit outside the class for quiet (compared to lunchroom) or work or read. Kid could look like he's working outside classroom waiting for teacher to provide extra support when the teacher arrives in a few minutes. Kid could be waiting a few minutes til his friends walk by to join them on their way to lunch. Kid could be waiting o be picked up early and daily for an outside appointment (ot, etc).

You have every right to box up what is not purposefully hurting another kid and nevertheless classify it that way- but you're wrong. If I'm walking in a hall, passing someone sitting outside a class and I've got a limited lunch I'm wading towards, I'm not assuming anything about the kid outside a classroom bc the possibilities are too vast.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter has spent all of seventh grade and six months of eighth grade eating lunch alone? That's troubling. I would definitely take some action to help her find a school that's a better fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How the heck does a 12 year old passing another kid "know" he needs a friend. You're making a lot of assumptions. Kid could sit outside the class for quiet (compared to lunchroom) or work or read. Kid could look like he's working outside classroom waiting for teacher to provide extra support when the teacher arrives in a few minutes. Kid could be waiting a few minutes til his friends walk by to join them on their way to lunch. Kid could be waiting o be picked up early and daily for an outside appointment (ot, etc).

You have every right to box up what is not purposefully hurting another kid and nevertheless classify it that way- but you're wrong. If I'm walking in a hall, passing someone sitting outside a class and I've got a limited lunch I'm wading towards, I'm not assuming anything about the kid outside a classroom bc the possibilities are too vast.

You are being obtuse. I've made my point and you are trying to deflect for some reason. You think your child is being kind by just not bullying a person, but they are not. They are just not being mean. It is my opinion that the kids in Wonder who were in class with Auggie and did not try to even say a friendly word were practicing avoidance. Some of them also never went up to him to be mean, but were mean to him behind his back. Seeing a child sit alone all year at lunch would be something obvious just like it was in that movie. You might be in class with that person and have the opportunity to spend some time with that person versus ignoring them and just spending time with your friends. We recently had an autistic child join our scout troop because the kids weren't friendly to that child in the other scout troop. But I guess in your world those kids and parents just had their own friends and no time for others, right? It is a basic practice of the Christian faith to help those in need, so it does not seem the least bit weird to me to have someone go out of their way to make a friendly gesture to another child they think might need a friend. I'm sorry for you that in your world you have no time for such help and it is so much work for you. You won't convince me that somehow you are still being kind, so find someone else to make your case to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How the heck does a 12 year old passing another kid "know" he needs a friend. You're making a lot of assumptions. Kid could sit outside the class for quiet (compared to lunchroom) or work or read. Kid could look like he's working outside classroom waiting for teacher to provide extra support when the teacher arrives in a few minutes. Kid could be waiting a few minutes til his friends walk by to join them on their way to lunch. Kid could be waiting o be picked up early and daily for an outside appointment (ot, etc).

You have every right to box up what is not purposefully hurting another kid and nevertheless classify it that way- but you're wrong. If I'm walking in a hall, passing someone sitting outside a class and I've got a limited lunch I'm wading towards, I'm not assuming anything about the kid outside a classroom bc the possibilities are too vast.

You are being obtuse. I've made my point and you are trying to deflect for some reason. You think your child is being kind by just not bullying a person, but they are not. They are just not being mean. It is my opinion that the kids in Wonder who were in class with Auggie and did not try to even say a friendly word were practicing avoidance. Some of them also never went up to him to be mean, but were mean to him behind his back. Seeing a child sit alone all year at lunch would be something obvious just like it was in that movie. You might be in class with that person and have the opportunity to spend some time with that person versus ignoring them and just spending time with your friends. We recently had an autistic child join our scout troop because the kids weren't friendly to that child in the other scout troop. But I guess in your world those kids and parents just had their own friends and no time for others, right? It is a basic practice of the Christian faith to help those in need, so it does not seem the least bit weird to me to have someone go out of their way to make a friendly gesture to another child they think might need a friend. I'm sorry for you that in your world you have no time for such help and it is so much work for you. You won't convince me that somehow you are still being kind, so find someone else to make your case to.

Also wanted to clarify two things. While I think you can smile and say hi to someone in a hallway, I agree that there are better places to make acquaintances. Which is why I said, that if you're only seeing people in a hallway that need help you are not looking. You are the one who keeps turning my discussion around that somehow I think everyone should strike up conversations with strangers in hallways. That is not what I was saying, but you are ignoring my words. Secondly, I am not OP. So I don't know the particulars of OP's situation, however, I know enough 12-year-olds in the area to know that kids attach labels to people and some children are avoided because of them. The kids who do the avoidance are not being nice to the child they avoid no matter how nice they are to other people. The niceness oesn't translate to the person being avoided.

[Anonymous]

You’re twisting the scenario. This isn’t a kid sitting in the cafeteria alone. This is a kid in the hallway. Im saying that a teen spending 4 seconds passing a kid in a hallway eating lunch will likely not have a clue something is amiss or will be headed into his own lunch quickly and not be thinking anything about it. Thee are too many reasons he could be there. That is THIS scenario that I am addressing. You’re talking about wonder, avoidance, eating alone in the cafeteria, switching scouting troops, etc. and then saying by passing a kid in the hallway it is mean spirited. Im saying I’m guessing most kids aren’t even thinking it’s an issue bc the kid could be there for so many alternative but fine reasons (waiting for a teacher, reading quietly, getting extra help, waiting to be picked up, has a headache, prefers quiet, needs to get work done during school hours bc if extra curricular and teacher offered outside his classroom, teacher is arriving every day 2 minutes later to open the classroom, etc). I was a teacher myself and this happened all the time with plenty of good reasons for it. That is wholly different from a kid eating alone in the cafeteria or having no one to buddy up with ever.

Obtuse, indeed.