Social issues at base school

[Anonymous]

I recently found out that 8th grade DD eats lunch alone, sitting outside a classroom, every day. I'm afraid our decision to keep her at her base school, vs sending her to the AAP center is a big part of the reason. I'm hoping this helps other parents make a better choice for their kid in the future.

Background:

DD was identified for AAP in 2nd grade and offered a spot at the center. For multiple reasons we decided to stay with base school that does not have a LLIV program, but does have a pull-out program. Several of her close friends did transfer to the center.

We chose to stay at the base school due to having siblings at the base school, and DD has a late August birthday so is one of the youngest and smallest in her class. We were worried, ironically, that she would struggle more at the center, being the smallest and youngest (of her friends that went to the center, they were all 6-12 months older than her).

The base school did a good job differentiating- walk to math and pullouts for language arts. We did a lot of enrichment as a family. I don't feel that her education suffered by staying at the base school. She did okay socially at the base school- having known some of the kids since K and having a very good friend in the neighborhood- but was definitely on the periphery of the group.

The school encouraged us to send her to the AAP center for middle school, but we again chose the base school. This was in discussion with DD, but I don't think she realized that many of her friends from early elementary would be at the center. I think she thought it would be like going to an entirely new school. I now think this was a mistake.

Her elementary is a split feeder. By luck of the draw, most of her closer friends went to another middle school. She is in the honors classes in middle school and has a few friends, but has not really found a niche. Unfortunately, the two or three girls she is closest with have a different lunch period. I will say, we are less impressed with honors classes in middle school than we were with the differentiation in elementary school.

I'm hoping this gets better, as the AAP kids come back for high school, and they can take AP classes together. If not, we may consider boarding school for 10-12, to give her a chance to start over. If I had it to do over again, I would have definitely sent DD to the AAP center in middle school for both social and academic reasons.

[Anonymous]

If your child is eating alone and largely friendless 3/4 of the way through middle school this seems more like an issue related to your child’s personality: difficult to make friends, shy, quiet, reserved, etc. meaning: you can’t relate this to kids in general nor can you be sure how she would have handled the chance to the center in third grade. (The perception would be different if it was just a few weeks into 7th grade. At this pint in 8th grade, this has to be largely related to her personality. I absolutely do not mean this to be mean.

[Anonymous]

This is not because of AAP and your choice or remaining at a base school. DS has friends in AAP who have attended the center school, friends who go to a special class where kids learn differently (according to DS- it’s a special ed classroom) and gen ed. Kids make friends based on common interests.

He had some social issues when he was younger and I spoke with the school counselor. They had social groups and they quickly got him involved like a lunch bunch. He really liked going and they seemed to help. They have those programs in middle and high schools as well. I know they look different than elementary lunch bunch but the group counseling concept is the same.

[Anonymous]

When are we going to start teaching our kids to be friendly to everyone and that it's ok to have friends who aren't popular. It's so disheartening. People need to feel accepted. More people need to be the change they want to see in this world and teach their kids to do the same.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s probably a combination of being very smart and being introverted.

My DD is the same. Thankfully, our base is also AAP center for both ES and MS. She had a harder adjustment for HS since many of her friends were split between 4 high schools. However, by the middle of 9th, she had her core group figured out and was thriving - socially.

I would let the school counselor know, if he/she’s a good one, about the lunch issue. Perhaps, they can work with student services to get her in lunch period with her friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When are we going to start teaching our kids to be friendly to everyone and that it's ok to have friends who aren't popular. It's so disheartening. People need to feel accepted. More people need to be the change they want to see in this world and teach their kids to do the same.

This really isn’t fair. I wouldn’t expect my 8th grader to spend her downtime at school coddling another child who is eating outside a classroom. I would expect her to be kind and nice when interacting with all kids but my kid also needs time to socialize with her friends of choice, especially those that she won’t see any other time all year (none of the same classes). As an adult, I want to spend my free time with people who bring me enjoyment not those that require work or don’t add to my life. You’re blaming other kids for wanting to spend time with kids who they want to spend time with. Isn’t that what we all grow up to do: hopefully be kind to everyone but seek out those with whom we connect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When are we going to start teaching our kids to be friendly to everyone and that it's ok to have friends who aren't popular. It's so disheartening. People need to feel accepted. More people need to be the change they want to see in this world and teach their kids to do the same.

This really isn’t fair. I wouldn’t expect my 8th grader to spend her downtime at school coddling another child who is eating outside a classroom. I would expect her to be kind and nice when interacting with all kids but my kid also needs time to socialize with her friends of choice, especially those that she won’t see any other time all year (none of the same classes). As an adult, I want to spend my free time with people who bring me enjoyment not those that require work or don’t add to my life. You’re blaming other kids for wanting to spend time with kids who they want to spend time with. Isn’t that what we all grow up to do: hopefully be kind to everyone but seek out those with whom we connect?

That does seem to be what the world does as adults and is the cause of many problems and divisiveness in society. Everyone just trying to find those that affirm themselves and lift themselves up while not caring about anyone else that as you say causes more work. I just don't think of it as a positive. If we all put in a little work to making the world a better place, we might find out that we don't just need to be around those that we connect with but can grow from all sorts of interactions. There's this great movie out there called Wonder. It's actually very popular and you might learn something if you check it out.

[Anonymous]

Look, all teens are struggling in some way or another. My kid can be a kind person and still seek out those who lift her up. It doesn’t mean that the whole student body in Wonder was cruel. Some just didn’t get to know him. Life is like that. You see things very black and white.

[Anonymous]

Who said anything about, “while not caring about anyone else that as you say causes more work.” You can be a kind, caring person but still getting through your whole life. I consider myself kind. I help those Whom I know who are suffering or needing help. I’ll make them mela and shovel their driveway. I’ll drive to appointments and watch their kids. Do I email our neighborhood listeners and ask who is down and out to help those whom I don’t know? No. Do you? Hi

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, all teens are struggling in some way or another. My kid can be a kind person and still seek out those who lift her up. It doesn’t mean that the whole student body in Wonder was cruel. Some just didn’t get to know him. Life is like that. You see things very black and white.

The kids who didn't get to know him weren't being kind. They may have been considerate, but they were not kind nor helpful or thoughtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, all teens are struggling in some way or another. My kid can be a kind person and still seek out those who lift her up. It doesn’t mean that the whole student body in Wonder was cruel. Some just didn’t get to know him. Life is like that. You see things very black and white.

The kids who didn't get to know him weren't being kind. They may have been considerate, but they were not kind nor helpful or thoughtful.

Are you serious? We all don’t go through life seeking out the downtrodden. You interact with those whom you meet. If I saw a kid eating outside her classroom and didn’t have classes with her or know her, I’d head to the cafeteria as I did everyday. That’s different from being in class with someone and ignoring them or being mean. You don’t need to go out of your way to meet those who are disabled or who have deformities. Indeed, I’m sure they don’t want to be treated differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, all teens are struggling in some way or another. My kid can be a kind person and still seek out those who lift her up. It doesn’t mean that the whole student body in Wonder was cruel. Some just didn’t get to know him. Life is like that. You see things very black and white.

The kids who didn't get to know him weren't being kind. They may have been considerate, but they were not kind nor helpful or thoughtful.

Are you serious? We all don’t go through life seeking out the downtrodden. You interact with those whom you meet. If I saw a kid eating outside her classroom and didn’t have classes with her or know her, I’d head to the cafeteria as I did everyday. That’s different from being in class with someone and ignoring them or being mean. You don’t need to go out of your way to meet those who are disabled or who have deformities. Indeed, I’m sure they don’t want to be treated differently.

You have a very limited lunch period. You can’t atop each day and encourage a stranger to come sit with you or go to the library and see who is eating by herself and ask her to join you. That’s not realistic or even genuine.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps not but very thoughtful. I only hope my children are this thoughtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps not but very thoughtful. I only hope my children are this thoughtful.

Question was asked before. Do you go and actually seek out the downtrodden in your neighborhood? Do you find the friendless? Im not talking about homeless shelters but do you actually seek out those who look sad? If you walk into a restaurant and see someone eating alone, do you approach her and try to make a friend, especially when you’re in a group? Let’s be real...friendships are more organic than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps not but very thoughtful. I only hope my children are this thoughtful.

Question was asked before. Do you go and actually seek out the downtrodden in your neighborhood? Do you find the friendless? Im not talking about homeless shelters but do you actually seek out those who look sad? If you walk into a restaurant and see someone eating alone, do you approach her and try to make a friend, especially when you’re in a group? Let’s be real...friendships are more organic than that.

14:54 You are responding to several people. Let's be real. Friendships are more organic, however taking the example of Wonder, I'm sure that child sat next to many children and did group projects and participated in other activities with people who made sure not to insult him but also tried to say as little as possible. They had no interest in doing anything to help him even if their lives were connected to some activity or another. For myself, yes, if I hear someone is having a hard time, I try to help even if it causes more work or doesn't further my own goals. I don't go up to strangers and I don't seek out those who look sad, but there are plenty of people I know of that could use an uplifting gesture.