18 year old in the house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anyhow, like I said, my main role in this is listening, and support. So, I'm coming here, because I want to hear other perspectives. We have a 10 year old child together, so, we will be dealing with teen challenges together in a few years, and I'd love a space to think about how I feel about these things apart from how DH feels.

Yes and no. I understand listening and supporting, but it's your house too. You and DH are a team and you do get to have a say. If DSS's behavior is creating stress, strife, and your DC is seeing this happen, you get to do more than listen and support. You get to speak up and tell DH it's time for the two of you to get tougher on DSS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

i think the teen is really looking for boundaries. Tell him if he can't follow the rules he can't come over. Your ten year old is watching and will follow his path if you don't punish him. You can visit with him outside the house but, if he was a roommate not following the rules what would you do? I think you would want to move him out or you would want to move.

And definitely stop doing things for him. Why would he stop doing what he is doing if he is still getting benefits and no pain? Btw, I have a 19 year old and a 16 year old and they know not to do this or they aren't welcome to live in our house either!

Maybe he doesn't want to live in his mom's house because she is more strict? Tell him you are doing it because he is a role model and his step sibling is watching and learning.

He can't come over? He lives there, according to OP. It's his father's house.

OP, it's tough when you're 18 and getting ready to leave the house. My kids aren't 18 yet, but I remember being 18. You want to separate, you want to be an adult, you don't want to separate, you don't want to be an adult yet... I agree with the other PPs that punishment is not the route to go. But he does need to be a contributing member of the household (just as an adult would be), and he does need to be trustworthy (just as an adult would be). And if he's not, it's not vindictive of your husband to adjust his own behavior accordingly.

I didn't mean he couldn't visit but, yes if he can't follow the simple house rules he shouldn't be allowed to live there. I posted above that all the parents should get together to enforce the rules. When he is living independently: Has a job, apartment than he can do whatever he wants. Until then I wouldn't let him do whatever he wants and continue to make his LUNCH. If he is having SEX, like an adult he can damn well make his own sandwich!!!!!

Did you read where the dad doesn't have an issue with DS having sex? His issue is having the girlfriend sleepover. Your outrage about SEX is your issue, not theirs. OP, think about how you as an 18 year old senior would feel if your parents told you you couldn't live with them anymore because you can't follow the rules. Your DH doesn't have issues with pot or sex, he just wants better boundaries. Figure out how to get your DSS to work within the boundaries. Telling him he can't live with you shouldn't be an option. What would you do for your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an 18 year old step-son who lives with us 50% of the time. His relationship is much better with his father than with his mother, so, when things are difficult, he is usually here. Things have gotten much more difficult in the last 6 months, and I'd love perspective from other parents of teens. My husband is /really/struggling with this, and, I feel like my role is mainly to support his decisions are far as DSS goes.

DSS isn't a bad kid. He gets average to above average grades in a challenging school; he has never been in actual trouble at school; he has a regular weekend job,; he has been accepted to several colleges he'd be happy to attend.
However, the last 6 months, he has really gone from zero to sixty in pushing boundaries. Things like smoking pot, lying about where is he overnight, sneaking his girlfriend into the basement overnight, etc. DSS's main attitude, when caught, seems to be that he is 18 and doing the adult things he wants to do.

DH is frustrated, and really feels like punishments are a lost cause at this point. DSS literally did one of the previously mentioned activities the first evening out after a week long grouding. DH is also struggling separating feeling personally hurt that his kid is being deceptive (DH, fwiw, is really on the permissive side. For example, he has no problem with occasional pot usage - as long as DSS doesn't drive, hold, or buy from strangers. He has no problem with DSS having safe sex, but doesn't want his girlfriend spending the night.) I know my husband is struggling with punishing (is there a point - this close to DSS being out of the house - when all these things will be easy for him to do) vs just withdrawing privileges (making DSS"s lunch every day, allowance, car usage) - I know he thinks there should be natural consequences - just like if you are untrustworthy in real life, people aren't going to trust you or go out of their way for you. However, he's concerned he may just be being vindictive.

Anyhow, like I said, my main role in this is listening, and support. So, I'm coming here, because I want to hear other perspectives. We have a 10 year old child together, so, we will be dealing with teen challenges together in a few years, and I'd love a space to think about how I feel about these things apart from how DH feels.

i think the teen is really looking for boundaries. Tell him if he can't follow the rules he can't come over. Your ten year old is watching and will follow his path if you don't punish him. You can visit with him outside the house but, if he was a roommate not following the rules what would you do? I think you would want to move him out or you would want to move.

And definitely stop doing things for him. Why would he stop doing what he is doing if he is still getting benefits and no pain? Btw, I have a 19 year old and a 16 year old and they know not to do this or they aren't welcome to live in our house either!

Maybe he doesn't want to live in his mom's house because she is more strict? Tell him you are doing it because he is a role model and his step sibling is watching and learning.

His dad divorced his child's mom, not his child. If your high school senior doesn't follow your rules are you going to tell him he can't come home? His dad's house is just as much his home as his mom's. He has two parents, and getting divorced doesn't change that. He is just as much his father's child as the 10 year old is. He's not a roommate. If one of your children is setting a bad example for your younger child, you'd kick them out? Or would you find a different solution. And don't tell your DSS that he's being kicked out for the benefit of his father's other(read more important) child. Set boundaries and figure it out. Just like you likely would not kick your own child out for this behavior, your DH shouldn't either.

I am the pp and it was early when I wrote that. I made a correction in my later posts. So I should have said he is allowed to visit but, can't live there IF he can't follow the rules of the house. Right now son is getting the benefits of being an "adult" and still being treated like a kid ( making his lunch and letting him use car for example ) I know he is not a roommate but, Dad is not doing him any favors by not disciplining his kid. He is not an adult if he is not taking care of himself fully: job, apartment, girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here .... btw, wanted to add, I’m certain sitting to dinner and ignoring incident is exactly what will happen ... I’d never suggest or expect humiliating DSS by discussing this with his girlfriend. And, I know from a teen perspective, this wasn’t a specific offense against us.... it’s just the freshest incident, and, the closest to home since it happened in our house with our 10 year old one floor away.

So, why not invite them to dinner, as adults, to have an adult conversation? Yes, it will be deeply embarrassing for both of them, but they will also be thrilled that you're treating them like a couple.

I would lay out the difference between "rights" and "respect," and the fact that when they have their own home, they can make their own rules.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Just wanted to point out that kicking him out is not and never was on the table. How Id handle this with our younger child is what I’m thinking about, but, for infractions of this level, I can’t see kicking someone out of the house. DSS actually has complete autonomy in where he stays night to night.

Parenthetically, I had a cousin who was, in theory, going to community college, and living at home. I’m not sure you could get away with this today, but, in actuality, he was cashing his tuition checks and renting his own apartment where he hung out all day. That’s a kicking out of house offense! Today, he’s got a great job, great kids, and a very close relationship with his parents. So, I think tough love has a place, but not at this level of infraction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

i think the teen is really looking for boundaries. Tell him if he can't follow the rules he can't come over. Your ten year old is watching and will follow his path if you don't punish him. You can visit with him outside the house but, if he was a roommate not following the rules what would you do? I think you would want to move him out or you would want to move.

And definitely stop doing things for him. Why would he stop doing what he is doing if he is still getting benefits and no pain? Btw, I have a 19 year old and a 16 year old and they know not to do this or they aren't welcome to live in our house either!

Maybe he doesn't want to live in his mom's house because she is more strict? Tell him you are doing it because he is a role model and his step sibling is watching and learning.

He can't come over? He lives there, according to OP. It's his father's house.

OP, it's tough when you're 18 and getting ready to leave the house. My kids aren't 18 yet, but I remember being 18. You want to separate, you want to be an adult, you don't want to separate, you don't want to be an adult yet... I agree with the other PPs that punishment is not the route to go. But he does need to be a contributing member of the household (just as an adult would be), and he does need to be trustworthy (just as an adult would be). And if he's not, it's not vindictive of your husband to adjust his own behavior accordingly.

I didn't mean he couldn't visit but, yes if he can't follow the simple house rules he shouldn't be allowed to live there. I posted above that all the parents should get together to enforce the rules. When he is living independently: Has a job, apartment than he can do whatever he wants. Until then I wouldn't let him do whatever he wants and continue to make his LUNCH. If he is having SEX, like an adult he can damn well make his own sandwich!!!!!

Did you read where the dad doesn't have an issue with DS having sex? His issue is having the girlfriend sleepover. Your outrage about SEX is your issue, not theirs. OP, think about how you as an 18 year old senior would feel if your parents told you you couldn't live with them anymore because you can't follow the rules. Your DH doesn't have issues with pot or sex, he just wants better boundaries. Figure out how to get your DSS to work within the boundaries. Telling him he can't live with you shouldn't be an option. What would you do for your child?

But, what do you think they do when they sleep over? It is about sex. Dad doesn't want his kid to have sex in his house. If kid doesn't like it than too bad than he needs to find somewhere else to live. Or at the very least don't have sleepovers in his house. When the kid is fully an adult than he can do whatever he wants. He is only adult on paper. I would not make his lunch that's for sure.

[Anonymous]

I know someone mentioned worrying about the model for your 10yo but I wouldn't stress that as much. The whole situation is different for your younger son so long as you stay married. It is likely he is taking note of the things that upset you and cause trouble and will more likely avoid that behavior than copy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just wanted to point out that kicking him out is not and never was on the table. How Id handle this with our younger child is what I’m thinking about, but, for infractions of this level, I can’t see kicking someone out of the house. DSS actually has complete autonomy in where he stays night to night.

Parenthetically, I had a cousin who was, in theory, going to community college, and living at home. I’m not sure you could get away with this today, but, in actuality, he was cashing his tuition checks and renting his own apartment where he hung out all day. That’s a kicking out of house offense! Today, he’s got a great job, great kids, and a very close relationship with his parents. So, I think tough love has a place, but not at this level of infraction.

Don't you think that the threat of kicking him out will make him respect your boundaries? Maybe if you gave him some rules to follow that he might actually follow them? Believe me, you will be in this situation soon agian with your ten year old because that is what they are learning! I can do whatever I want and mom and dad might not like it but, I still get to do what I want.

Of course, he might test you and then if you did nothing that would be worse. If it was me I would get all the parents together to figure out a solution. Step son is playing all of you and needs parenting. If you don't do this there is a chance it could turn out ok but, there is a chance you could have a step grandchild.

[Anonymous]

OP here. No, I don’t think the threat of kicking him out will have a positive effect , as there is zero chance, at this point, of that actually happening. I tend to be more reactive, and I respect my husbands viewpoint that, before we know it, he will be in college, and able to do any of these things if he wants. I may be naive, but, they’ve maintained a good enough relationship that I think actually getting the fact that his dad has lost a level of trust in him, is more significant that losing the car for a few weeks.

And, this has lead to some really good conversations, at an appropriate level and only dealing with what she has seen, with our 10 year old. Conversations about losing and regaining trust, provledgea and responsibilities of being grown up, how growing up doesn’t happen all at once, etc

I had her out of the house all day yesterday while a lot of this was going down, so a lot of time to talk!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

i think the teen is really looking for boundaries. Tell him if he can't follow the rules he can't come over. Your ten year old is watching and will follow his path if you don't punish him. You can visit with him outside the house but, if he was a roommate not following the rules what would you do? I think you would want to move him out or you would want to move.

And definitely stop doing things for him. Why would he stop doing what he is doing if he is still getting benefits and no pain? Btw, I have a 19 year old and a 16 year old and they know not to do this or they aren't welcome to live in our house either!

Maybe he doesn't want to live in his mom's house because she is more strict? Tell him you are doing it because he is a role model and his step sibling is watching and learning.

He can't come over? He lives there, according to OP. It's his father's house.

OP, it's tough when you're 18 and getting ready to leave the house. My kids aren't 18 yet, but I remember being 18. You want to separate, you want to be an adult, you don't want to separate, you don't want to be an adult yet... I agree with the other PPs that punishment is not the route to go. But he does need to be a contributing member of the household (just as an adult would be), and he does need to be trustworthy (just as an adult would be). And if he's not, it's not vindictive of your husband to adjust his own behavior accordingly.

I didn't mean he couldn't visit but, yes if he can't follow the simple house rules he shouldn't be allowed to live there. I posted above that all the parents should get together to enforce the rules. When he is living independently: Has a job, apartment than he can do whatever he wants. Until then I wouldn't let him do whatever he wants and continue to make his LUNCH. If he is having SEX, like an adult he can damn well make his own sandwich!!!!!

Did you read where the dad doesn't have an issue with DS having sex? His issue is having the girlfriend sleepover. Your outrage about SEX is your issue, not theirs. OP, think about how you as an 18 year old senior would feel if your parents told you you couldn't live with them anymore because you can't follow the rules. Your DH doesn't have issues with pot or sex, he just wants better boundaries. Figure out how to get your DSS to work within the boundaries. Telling him he can't live with you shouldn't be an option. What would you do for your child?

But, what do you think they do when they sleep over? It is about sex. Dad doesn't want his kid to have sex in his house. If kid doesn't like it than too bad than he needs to find somewhere else to live. Or at the very least don't have sleepovers in his house. When the kid is fully an adult than he can do whatever he wants. He is only adult on paper. I would not make his lunch that's for sure.

That is where he lives. There's no not being able to live there. I'm sure you generally wouldn't advocate parents kicking their high school senior out. A child of divorce should be given the same benefit of the doubt. As a parent, you figure things out. Here OP says DH doesn't have an issue with sex or pot, it's a matter of boundaries as far as not having GF sleepover and not being excessive with pot. This sound like something they can workout without being irrational and extreme. OP, telling you DSS he needs to find somewhere else to live is terrible advice. Have your DH explain the boundaries, explain he is setting an example for younger sibling, and that he needs to abide by the rules. Taking away the car, not making lunch, etc. should all be options if after talking it through he can't comply. Kicking him out should not be. He gets ok grades, doesn't get in trouble at school, has a job on the weekends and has been accepted to colleges. Those are good things. All kids push boundaries. We can teach them about consequences without telling them they can be thrown out as unwanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Don't you think that the threat of kicking him out will make him respect your boundaries? Maybe if you gave him some rules to follow that he might actually follow them? Believe me, you will be in this situation soon agian with your ten year old because that is what they are learning! I can do whatever I want and mom and dad might not like it but, I still get to do what I want.

Of course, he might test you and then if you did nothing that would be worse. If it was me I would get all the parents together to figure out a solution. Step son is playing all of you and needs parenting. If you don't do this there is a chance it could turn out ok but, there is a chance you could have a step grandchild.

Never make threats unless you're willing to follow through on them. And OP and the father are not willing to kick him out of the house. I wouldn't be willing either.

[Anonymous]

I suggest that a talk about what being a grown up and a part of the family is in order. Calm talking Dad, and not a screaming, out of control dad. What I mean is that stepson needs to have a talk about what it means to be an adult. To understand that in this house we are a family, and that it is a common courtesy to let people know where you are going, when you will be back, point out that Dad doesn't just take off for the night or brings people over without telling you and his kids what he is doing. That even when you are off to grocery store you probably say that you are going if other family members are at home. Time for boundaries is over, time for acting like an adult isn't. Calmly explaining that he is a part of the family and how adult members of the family act is in order. There is no reason to be sneaking his girlfriend in, but rather invite her over for dinner and since it is clear they are having sex, better to know she is there than to hide things. It is time for respect of DSS and his respect of Dad and you. Have your DH explain to him how families function respectfully. Since your DH is pretty relaxed about pot and who knows what else, why is his son so sneaky and feels he needs to lie about where he is and sneak his GF in?

[Anonymous]

"I don't care that you're 18. You don't own the house. I love you, am happy to see you, talk to you, house you, feed you, drive you, etc. In return, you only have to abide by certain relaxed rules. If you can't follow these simple rules, you can't stay here."

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it is great that you are questioning about the proper parenting for teens, rather than just assuming you know everything based on the experience with your ten year old. I mean that sincerely. Reflects well on how you will ultimately handle this period, and your own kid, later.

I advise you to think about the fact that your husband seems more lenient than you would be. As your kid becomes more challenging with age, I hope you two work that out so that you can parent as a team.

I wish you the best. Teens are often fairly awful. Part of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Don't you think that the threat of kicking him out will make him respect your boundaries? Maybe if you gave him some rules to follow that he might actually follow them? Believe me, you will be in this situation soon agian with your ten year old because that is what they are learning! I can do whatever I want and mom and dad might not like it but, I still get to do what I want.

Of course, he might test you and then if you did nothing that would be worse. If it was me I would get all the parents together to figure out a solution. Step son is playing all of you and needs parenting. If you don't do this there is a chance it could turn out ok but, there is a chance you could have a step grandchild.

Never make threats unless you're willing to follow through on them. And OP and the father are not willing to kick him out of the house. I wouldn't be willing either.

Yup. I might want to throttle my kid, but I can't imagine throwing him out. Certainly not for these relatively minor infractions.