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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have an 18 year old step-son who lives with us 50% of the time. His relationship is much better with his father than with his mother, so, when things are difficult, he is usually here. Things  have gotten much more difficult in the last 6 months, and I'd love perspective from other parents of teens. My husband is /really/struggling with this, and, I feel like my role is mainly to support his decisions are far as DSS goes.

DSS isn't a bad kid. He gets average to above average grades in a challenging school; he has never been in actual trouble at school; he has a regular weekend job,; he has been accepted to several colleges he'd be happy to attend.
However, the last 6 months, he has really gone from zero to sixty in pushing boundaries. Things like smoking pot, lying about where is he overnight, sneaking his girlfriend into the basement overnight, etc. DSS's main attitude, when caught, seems to be that he is 18 and doing the adult things he wants to do.

DH is frustrated, and really feels like punishments are a lost cause at this point. DSS literally did one of the previously mentioned activities the first evening out after a week long grouding. DH is also struggling separating feeling personally hurt that his kid is being deceptive (DH, fwiw, is really on the permissive side. For example, he has no problem with occasional pot usage - as long as DSS doesn't drive, hold, or buy from strangers. He has no problem with DSS having safe sex, but doesn't want his girlfriend spending the night.) I know my husband is struggling with punishing (is there a point - this close to DSS being out of the house - when all these things will be easy for him to do) vs just withdrawing privileges (making DSS"s lunch every day, allowance, car usage) - I know he thinks there should be natural consequences - just like if you are untrustworthy in real life, people aren't going to trust you or go out of their way for you. However, he's concerned he may just be being vindictive.

Anyhow, like I said, my main role in this is listening, and support. So, I'm coming here, because I want to hear other perspectives. We have a 10 year old child together, so, we will be dealing with teen challenges together in a few years, and I'd love a space to think about how I feel about these things apart from how DH feels.[/quote]

i think the teen is really looking for boundaries.  [b]Tell him if he can't follow the rules he can't come over. [/b] Your ten year old is watching and will follow his path if you don't punish him.  You can visit with him outside the house but, if he was a roommate not following the rules what would you do?  I think you would want to move him out or you would want to move.

And definitely stop doing things for him.  Why would he stop doing what he is doing if he is still getting benefits and no pain?  Btw, I have a 19 year old and a 16 year old and they know not to do this or they aren't welcome to live in our house either!

Maybe he doesn't want to live in his mom's house because she is more strict?  Tell him you are doing it because he is a role model and his step sibling is watching and learning.  [/quote]

His dad divorced his child's mom, not his child.  If your high school senior doesn't follow your rules are you going to tell him he can't come home?  His dad's house is just as much his home as his mom's.  He has two parents, and getting divorced doesn't change that.  He is just as much his father's child as the 10 year old is.  He's not a roommate.  If one of your children is setting a bad example for your younger child, you'd kick them out?  Or would you find a different solution.  And don't tell your DSS that he's being kicked out for the benefit of his father's other(read more important)  child.  Set boundaries and figure it out.  Just like you likely would not kick your own child out for this behavior, your DH shouldn't either. [/quote]

I am the pp and it was early when I wrote that.  I made a correction in my later posts.  So I should have said he is allowed to visit but, can't live there IF he can't follow the rules of the house.  Right now son is getting the benefits of being an "adult" and still being treated like a kid ( making his lunch and letting him use car for example )  I know he is not a roommate but, Dad is not doing him any favors by not disciplining his kid.  He is not an adult if he is not taking care of himself fully:  job, apartment, girlfriend.[/quote]

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