18 year old in the house

[Anonymous]

I have an 18 year old step-son who lives with us 50% of the time. His relationship is much better with his father than with his mother, so, when things are difficult, he is usually here. Things have gotten much more difficult in the last 6 months, and I'd love perspective from other parents of teens. My husband is /really/struggling with this, and, I feel like my role is mainly to support his decisions are far as DSS goes.

DSS isn't a bad kid. He gets average to above average grades in a challenging school; he has never been in actual trouble at school; he has a regular weekend job,; he has been accepted to several colleges he'd be happy to attend.
However, the last 6 months, he has really gone from zero to sixty in pushing boundaries. Things like smoking pot, lying about where is he overnight, sneaking his girlfriend into the basement overnight, etc. DSS's main attitude, when caught, seems to be that he is 18 and doing the adult things he wants to do.

DH is frustrated, and really feels like punishments are a lost cause at this point. DSS literally did one of the previously mentioned activities the first evening out after a week long grouding. DH is also struggling separating feeling personally hurt that his kid is being deceptive (DH, fwiw, is really on the permissive side. For example, he has no problem with occasional pot usage - as long as DSS doesn't drive, hold, or buy from strangers. He has no problem with DSS having safe sex, but doesn't want his girlfriend spending the night.) I know my husband is struggling with punishing (is there a point - this close to DSS being out of the house - when all these things will be easy for him to do) vs just withdrawing privileges (making DSS"s lunch every day, allowance, car usage) - I know he thinks there should be natural consequences - just like if you are untrustworthy in real life, people aren't going to trust you or go out of their way for you. However, he's concerned he may just be being vindictive.

Anyhow, like I said, my main role in this is listening, and support. So, I'm coming here, because I want to hear other perspectives. We have a 10 year old child together, so, we will be dealing with teen challenges together in a few years, and I'd love a space to think about how I feel about these things apart from how DH feels.

[Anonymous]

I think it is odd to be punishing at this age.

On the other hand, if he doesn't do his part to follow household rules, then for sure, no more rides, no use of the car, no allowance, no making lunches or doing laundry.

[Anonymous]

I think I have a lot of the same parenting perspectives as your DH. Pot will soon be legal for 18 year olds and you can't stop a kid from having sex. He is enforcing boundaries around those decisions (no dealing, no overnights) so I wouldn't say he's permissive all, I think he's realistic but still has standards.

Now, on to what to do. Your step sons flouting of the rules had to do with his anger about his mom, his sense of entitlement, immaturity, and his level of respect toward you and his dad. The only thing that you can change is the last thing, the others will be his decision to deal with or not.

I would have father and son sit down for a heart to heart. No anger, just understanding on your husband's part about what it was like for him at 18 and how it must be for the son, given the poor relationship with the mom. The son probably feels like the dad got out and left him alone to deal with her. Dad should make an effort to listen and agree with the sons experience. Dad should also reiterate the rules and tell the son if he can't respect the no sleepover rule than you're going to check his room at night and call the girls parents if she's there. His choice. Come up with consequences for the other behaviors and enforce them.

This can be fixed but try it from the angle of connecting rather than punishing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an 18 year old step-son who lives with us 50% of the time. His relationship is much better with his father than with his mother, so, when things are difficult, he is usually here. Things have gotten much more difficult in the last 6 months, and I'd love perspective from other parents of teens. My husband is /really/struggling with this, and, I feel like my role is mainly to support his decisions are far as DSS goes.

DSS isn't a bad kid. He gets average to above average grades in a challenging school; he has never been in actual trouble at school; he has a regular weekend job,; he has been accepted to several colleges he'd be happy to attend.
However, the last 6 months, he has really gone from zero to sixty in pushing boundaries. Things like smoking pot, lying about where is he overnight, sneaking his girlfriend into the basement overnight, etc. DSS's main attitude, when caught, seems to be that he is 18 and doing the adult things he wants to do.

DH is frustrated, and really feels like punishments are a lost cause at this point. DSS literally did one of the previously mentioned activities the first evening out after a week long grouding. DH is also struggling separating feeling personally hurt that his kid is being deceptive (DH, fwiw, is really on the permissive side. For example, he has no problem with occasional pot usage - as long as DSS doesn't drive, hold, or buy from strangers. He has no problem with DSS having safe sex, but doesn't want his girlfriend spending the night.) I know my husband is struggling with punishing (is there a point - this close to DSS being out of the house - when all these things will be easy for him to do) vs just withdrawing privileges (making DSS"s lunch every day, allowance, car usage) - I know he thinks there should be natural consequences - just like if you are untrustworthy in real life, people aren't going to trust you or go out of their way for you. However, he's concerned he may just be being vindictive.

Anyhow, like I said, my main role in this is listening, and support. So, I'm coming here, because I want to hear other perspectives. We have a 10 year old child together, so, we will be dealing with teen challenges together in a few years, and I'd love a space to think about how I feel about these things apart from how DH feels.

i think the teen is really looking for boundaries. Tell him if he can't follow the rules he can't come over. Your ten year old is watching and will follow his path if you don't punish him. You can visit with him outside the house but, if he was a roommate not following the rules what would you do? I think you would want to move him out or you would want to move.

And definitely stop doing things for him. Why would he stop doing what he is doing if he is still getting benefits and no pain? Btw, I have a 19 year old and a 16 year old and they know not to do this or they aren't welcome to live in our house either!

Maybe he doesn't want to live in his mom's house because she is more strict? Tell him you are doing it because he is a role model and his step sibling is watching and learning.

[Anonymous]

I have a 19 year old living in the house. I’m pretty much like your husband in terms of what we would be ok with. My son knows that if he beams the rules, I drop him from our car insurance. That would result in loss of his job and his scholarship. It works for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I have a lot of the same parenting perspectives as your DH. Pot will soon be legal for 18 year olds and you can't stop a kid from having sex. He is enforcing boundaries around those decisions (no dealing, no overnights) so I wouldn't say he's permissive all, I think he's realistic but still has standards.

Now, on to what to do. Your step sons flouting of the rules had to do with his anger about his mom, his sense of entitlement, immaturity, and his level of respect toward you and his dad. The only thing that you can change is the last thing, the others will be his decision to deal with or not.

I would have father and son sit down for a heart to heart. No anger, just understanding on your husband's part about what it was like for him at 18 and how it must be for the son, given the poor relationship with the mom. The son probably feels like the dad got out and left him alone to deal with her. Dad should make an effort to listen and agree with the sons experience. Dad should also reiterate the rules and tell the son if he can't respect the no sleepover rule than you're going to check his room at night and call the girls parents if she's there. His choice. Come up with consequences for the other behaviors and enforce them.

This can be fixed but try it from the angle of connecting rather than punishing.

OP here. Can’t type much, as I’m on my phone now. But I really appreciate this.

Btw, for the past year, dss has been completely free to choose households each night, and he still goes there about 30% of the time. She is just classically “stricter” than his dad. But, I know they love each other.

This is a totally parenthetical question, but I find myself really pissed at the girlfriend as well. Maybe it’s unreasonable. We’ve hosted her for dinner, outings, paid for her prom. At least with DSS, my husband could have a real talk about sneaking around. But she also snuck into our house, while we were all there. It’s obviously not our place to “punish” her, but it feels really odd just to ignore that and sit down to dinner like nothing happened.

[Anonymous]

When my daughter pulled that, we took the tough love option. We told her she could not continue to live in our home unless she followed our rules. She flipped out and moved in with a friend. We cut off all support. We cut her cell phone. We took the car we paid for. She lasted two weeks, came home with her tail between her legs, and straightened up.

I don't put up with that nonsense. We've raised five kids through the tough teen years. It's not easy.

[Anonymous]

OP here .... btw, wanted to add, I’m certain sitting to dinner and ignoring incident is exactly what will happen ... I’d never suggest or expect humiliating DSS by discussing this with his girlfriend. And, I know from a teen perspective, this wasn’t a specific offense against us.... it’s just the freshest incident, and, the closest to home since it happened in our house with our 10 year old one floor away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I have a lot of the same parenting perspectives as your DH. Pot will soon be legal for 18 year olds and you can't stop a kid from having sex. He is enforcing boundaries around those decisions (no dealing, no overnights) so I wouldn't say he's permissive all, I think he's realistic but still has standards.

Now, on to what to do. Your step sons flouting of the rules had to do with his anger about his mom, his sense of entitlement, immaturity, and his level of respect toward you and his dad. The only thing that you can change is the last thing, the others will be his decision to deal with or not.

I would have father and son sit down for a heart to heart. No anger, just understanding on your husband's part about what it was like for him at 18 and how it must be for the son, given the poor relationship with the mom. The son probably feels like the dad got out and left him alone to deal with her. Dad should make an effort to listen and agree with the sons experience. Dad should also reiterate the rules and tell the son if he can't respect the no sleepover rule than you're going to check his room at night and call the girls parents if she's there. His choice. Come up with consequences for the other behaviors and enforce them.

This can be fixed but try it from the angle of connecting rather than punishing.

OP here. Can’t type much, as I’m on my phone now. But I really appreciate this.

Btw, for the past year, dss has been completely free to choose households each night, and he still goes there about 30% of the time. She is just classically “stricter” than his dad. But, I know they love each other.

This is a totally parenthetical question, but I find myself really pissed at the girlfriend as well. Maybe it’s unreasonable. We’ve hosted her for dinner, outings, paid for her prom. At least with DSS, my husband could have a real talk about sneaking around. But she also snuck into our house, while we were all there. It’s obviously not our place to “punish” her, but it feels really odd just to ignore that and sit down to dinner like nothing happened.

How does the mom feel about this situation? Have you talked to the girlfriend's parents? Perhaps they are feeling hopeless as you are and maybe having a dinner or starting a conversation with all the parents can change the situation? Maybe if all the parents are on the same page than the kids can't play the adults off each other? Granted I know he is 18 but, clearly he is not independent.

If you don't have a good relationship with the girlfriend's parents or the mom I would start now.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

i think the teen is really looking for boundaries. Tell him if he can't follow the rules he can't come over. Your ten year old is watching and will follow his path if you don't punish him. You can visit with him outside the house but, if he was a roommate not following the rules what would you do? I think you would want to move him out or you would want to move.

And definitely stop doing things for him. Why would he stop doing what he is doing if he is still getting benefits and no pain? Btw, I have a 19 year old and a 16 year old and they know not to do this or they aren't welcome to live in our house either!

Maybe he doesn't want to live in his mom's house because she is more strict? Tell him you are doing it because he is a role model and his step sibling is watching and learning.

He can't come over? He lives there, according to OP. It's his father's house.

OP, it's tough when you're 18 and getting ready to leave the house. My kids aren't 18 yet, but I remember being 18. You want to separate, you want to be an adult, you don't want to separate, you don't want to be an adult yet... I agree with the other PPs that punishment is not the route to go. But he does need to be a contributing member of the household (just as an adult would be), and he does need to be trustworthy (just as an adult would be). And if he's not, it's not vindictive of your husband to adjust his own behavior accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Can’t type much, as I’m on my phone now. But I really appreciate this.

Btw, for the past year, dss has been completely free to choose households each night, and he still goes there about 30% of the time. She is just classically “stricter” than his dad. But, I know they love each other.

This is a totally parenthetical question, but I find myself really pissed at the girlfriend as well. Maybe it’s unreasonable. We’ve hosted her for dinner, outings, paid for her prom. At least with DSS, my husband could have a real talk about sneaking around. But she also snuck into our house, while we were all there. It’s obviously not our place to “punish” her, but it feels really odd just to ignore that and sit down to dinner like nothing happened.

You could say, "Larla, I don't know of [Stepson] told you, but the rule here is that you're not allowed to spend the night. Were you aware of that?" I'm sure that she wants to pretend that nothing happened, but you don't have to.

[Anonymous]

My kid is also eighteen and there is a new pushing of boundaries, but not the ones you are facing.

I think it is part of separating. I know that yelling is getting me nowhere (because "I am an ADULT") so I'm trying to achieve the same goals, and punishments, without yelling.

Hug your sweet ten year old now. Even the best teen with the best circumstances is odious for years on end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

i think the teen is really looking for boundaries. Tell him if he can't follow the rules he can't come over. Your ten year old is watching and will follow his path if you don't punish him. You can visit with him outside the house but, if he was a roommate not following the rules what would you do? I think you would want to move him out or you would want to move.

And definitely stop doing things for him. Why would he stop doing what he is doing if he is still getting benefits and no pain? Btw, I have a 19 year old and a 16 year old and they know not to do this or they aren't welcome to live in our house either!

Maybe he doesn't want to live in his mom's house because she is more strict? Tell him you are doing it because he is a role model and his step sibling is watching and learning.

He can't come over? He lives there, according to OP. It's his father's house.

OP, it's tough when you're 18 and getting ready to leave the house. My kids aren't 18 yet, but I remember being 18. You want to separate, you want to be an adult, you don't want to separate, you don't want to be an adult yet... I agree with the other PPs that punishment is not the route to go. But he does need to be a contributing member of the household (just as an adult would be), and he does need to be trustworthy (just as an adult would be). And if he's not, it's not vindictive of your husband to adjust his own behavior accordingly.

I didn't mean he couldn't visit but, yes if he can't follow the simple house rules he shouldn't be allowed to live there. I posted above that all the parents should get together to enforce the rules. When he is living independently: Has a job, apartment than he can do whatever he wants. Until then I wouldn't let him do whatever he wants and continue to make his LUNCH. If he is having SEX, like an adult he can damn well make his own sandwich!!!!!

[Anonymous]

My DH's teen son moved in with us when he was 14 until he was 23. It helped that my DH is a tough cookie - he doesn't play around and he doesn't give in to feelings or what you're "going through". Things were taken away from DSS when he would consistently break a rule (a transgression here and there was forgiven if it wasn't major): a computer, the car we let him use, etc. The bottom line was it's our house, it's our rules. If you don't like it, you leave.

It didn't make DSS perfect, there were bumps along the road, but he knew Dad was serious and would follow through. The transgressions were mostly stupid teen things, he didn't dare try to do drugs in our house or sneak girls in. I'm much more lenient than DH but those are things *I* wouldn't allow.

My opinion is your DH needs to really buckle down and get serious with his son. These are our rules, you follow them or you go back to Mom's. If DH is going to continue to not do anything because he's hurt by son's behavior, you just aren't going to get anywhere. DSS is just going to keep taking advantage. And a big thing we emphasized to DSS was you are an example, good or bad, to your younger (half) siblings. Additionally your DC needs to see Dad set limits and enforce them.

As a stepmother myself, I know there's only so much influence you have with stepkids. There's been many occasions where I felt DH should have handled something different with his sons, and I kept my mouth shut. But as I mentioned, there were some things I draw the line on, just as I would with my own kids. Those things may be different in your house than mine, but the kids -- all of them -- need to know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an 18 year old step-son who lives with us 50% of the time. His relationship is much better with his father than with his mother, so, when things are difficult, he is usually here. Things have gotten much more difficult in the last 6 months, and I'd love perspective from other parents of teens. My husband is /really/struggling with this, and, I feel like my role is mainly to support his decisions are far as DSS goes.

DSS isn't a bad kid. He gets average to above average grades in a challenging school; he has never been in actual trouble at school; he has a regular weekend job,; he has been accepted to several colleges he'd be happy to attend.
However, the last 6 months, he has really gone from zero to sixty in pushing boundaries. Things like smoking pot, lying about where is he overnight, sneaking his girlfriend into the basement overnight, etc. DSS's main attitude, when caught, seems to be that he is 18 and doing the adult things he wants to do.

DH is frustrated, and really feels like punishments are a lost cause at this point. DSS literally did one of the previously mentioned activities the first evening out after a week long grouding. DH is also struggling separating feeling personally hurt that his kid is being deceptive (DH, fwiw, is really on the permissive side. For example, he has no problem with occasional pot usage - as long as DSS doesn't drive, hold, or buy from strangers. He has no problem with DSS having safe sex, but doesn't want his girlfriend spending the night.) I know my husband is struggling with punishing (is there a point - this close to DSS being out of the house - when all these things will be easy for him to do) vs just withdrawing privileges (making DSS"s lunch every day, allowance, car usage) - I know he thinks there should be natural consequences - just like if you are untrustworthy in real life, people aren't going to trust you or go out of their way for you. However, he's concerned he may just be being vindictive.

Anyhow, like I said, my main role in this is listening, and support. So, I'm coming here, because I want to hear other perspectives. We have a 10 year old child together, so, we will be dealing with teen challenges together in a few years, and I'd love a space to think about how I feel about these things apart from how DH feels.

i think the teen is really looking for boundaries. Tell him if he can't follow the rules he can't come over. Your ten year old is watching and will follow his path if you don't punish him. You can visit with him outside the house but, if he was a roommate not following the rules what would you do? I think you would want to move him out or you would want to move.

And definitely stop doing things for him. Why would he stop doing what he is doing if he is still getting benefits and no pain? Btw, I have a 19 year old and a 16 year old and they know not to do this or they aren't welcome to live in our house either!

Maybe he doesn't want to live in his mom's house because she is more strict? Tell him you are doing it because he is a role model and his step sibling is watching and learning.

His dad divorced his child's mom, not his child. If your high school senior doesn't follow your rules are you going to tell him he can't come home? His dad's house is just as much his home as his mom's. He has two parents, and getting divorced doesn't change that. He is just as much his father's child as the 10 year old is. He's not a roommate. If one of your children is setting a bad example for your younger child, you'd kick them out? Or would you find a different solution. And don't tell your DSS that he's being kicked out for the benefit of his father's other(read more important) child. Set boundaries and figure it out. Just like you likely would not kick your own child out for this behavior, your DH shouldn't either.