Reply to I think that my husband wants our kids to be failures

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, you say he expects nothing of them, but what does he do WITH them? Here are examples of what I mean.

Does he say: "Don't do your homework"
Or does he say nothing to encourage homework and then does not bother to ask later, "Did you do it? Let me see it/let's check it" etc.?

Do you see the difference there, OP?

So, does he say: "Did your mom tell you to do that chore? Forget it, it's dumb" 
Or does he say nothing to THEM when he sees them doing a chore but he comes to YOU and is angry at you?

And so on. In other words, is he interacting with them directly in ways that clearly say to them, do not do homework, do not do chores, do not bathe; or is he instead not being proactive about giving them the directions to "Start your homework/start chore X now/get into the shower in five minutes"?

If he actively tells them not to do specific things you have just told them to do, or if he actually (Lord, I hope not) interrupts them at homework to distract them away to whatever HE wants to do with them--you have a serious problem because he is not just undermining you, he is undermining their teachers and even their health (hygiene).

If he isn't actively telling them to resist homework and chores etc., but is instead just ignoring those things and never instructing the kids to do them -- meaning you always have to say "do this, do that" and he just says nothing -- he is less undermining of your authority but is oblivious to the fact their teachers need them to do homework, their bodies need basic hygiene, the house needs everyone pitching in for things to function, etc.

Which is the case, if you look at it in detail? Does he actively undermine and contradict you to them, or does he just neglect the things that are just basically important day to day without saying much, or is it some of both? I'm just suggesting that you dig into when and how he does these things. He sounds almost as if he wants his kids to stay little kids without the obligations of school or chores. Does he want them to focus on him instead of on their homework or chores? Does he, for himself, not care much about his own hygiene so he doesn't think they need to be so clean and he says you're overly focused on cleanliness? Does he ever do a "Let the kids BE kids" speech to you when he's angry that you're asking them to do X or Y? I would wonder if he's somehow thinking they don't need to "grow up so fast" etc. or if he even sees them as his playmates, in a sense, and wants them focused on him.
Your marriage sounds like a candidate for both couples and individual therapy if you want to stay married, but would he ever consider going to therapy?

Meanwhile, can you distract him almost like you would a kid--? I'd find ways for him to be otherwise occupied while you tell the kids it's homework time or chore time. Push him out the door to the store (unless...he won't even do that "chore" himself?) or otherwise get him out of the house. I agree with PPs that if you divorce he might let the kids be extremely slack on his watch to the point they want to be with fun dad and not real-world mom.[/quote]

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