Is this an emotional affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH came home from work tonight clearly drunk. He's 39; we have 2 kids 6 and 4 and he's a super involved Dad. I confronted him about where he was since he was late and not answering my calls. He admitted he was out with a coworker who I know; she's 50 and married with 2 kids; just ok looking but is funny and outgoing. I like her based on our limited interactions but my DH frequently complains about how annoying she is. He admitted splitting a bottle of wine over lunch with her and then going to two other bars while they were celebrating a big sale. He thinks he tried to kiss her in the Uber but isn't sure what happened.

I'm pissed off but can excuse this one time since he's never done this before and was apologetic but i'm worried they may be closer than is appropriate.

OP- sorry this happened while you were home with two young children.

He should be doing more than just apologizing. Boundaries crossed with that attempted kiss. And with a colleague. That is messing with his career moving forward. Who else was in that Uber? And what if he "forgot" other physical acts?

He did come clean but tell me what is acceptable to you now. And that includes never going out with just this woman, just the two of them together,especially for drinks.

[Anonymous]

Do you think it ever happens that the woman (married or not) kisses the married man, and takes him off-guard. I think that’s exceedingly rare, but I have heard of men claiming that when caught.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to where they were and ask the servers or bartenders what they saw? As a last resort call the woman. A kiss is terrible but definitely not grounds for divorce.

Yeah, geez, forget about it. She’s 50 and he was drunk - forget about it. He must be embarrassed. Ask him how he’s going to show his face at work again though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think it ever happens that the woman (married or not) kisses the married man, and takes him off-guard. I think that’s exceedingly rare, but I have heard of men claiming that when caught.

Absolutely and not rare, but I don't think in this case.

[taketothebank]

Sounds like he is getting involved with my ex-wife. He'll be sorry if he goes there....

We have a winner for best post so far.

BTW - How far into the relationship with your XDW would he be sorry? Right off the bat or later when the boiling rabbit appears?

[Anonymous]

He has a drinking problem.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like OP hasn't been giving her DH enough sex. Better step it up so he's too exhausted to stray.

[Anonymous]

taketothebank wrote:

Sounds like he is getting involved with my ex-wife. He'll be sorry if he goes there....

We have a winner for best post so far.

BTW - How far into the relationship with your XDW would he be sorry? Right off the bat or later when the boiling rabbit appears?

She's had to learn to hide it better, but by 6 to 12 months she's doing worse things than boiling bunnies.

[Anonymous]

Maybe offer to forgive but ask that he do some reflecting and try to explain to you what he thinks is going on and if there are issues the two of you need to be addressing (putting aside this incident). It seems like it's a red flag for something that is wrong with him...whether it's too much booze, need for adventure in his life, mid-life crisis?

I wonder, if any of us got drunk enough, and we were having a fun time with a member of the opposite sex who is attractive and funny, would we act on some random urge? It's not like we get married and are then suddenly blind to judging attractiveness or incapable of having fun with people.

But the alcohol and lack of inhibition that comes with it...well, I love my DH, still think he is sexy, we have a great relationship in and out of bedroom, and have no intention or desire to change our status. But I've never allowed myself to be in that kind of predicament and so I don't know if I or others who are equally faithful would fall prey?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are only two women in my office (it’s a technical field), and my job is fairly travel-heavy, so I have had boozy lunches, dinners, or happy hours with one or more male colleagues. I don’t think drinking with coworkers of the opposite sex is necessarily an emotional affair.

I do think if the inclination to have an affair of any sort is already there, alcohol usually moves things along.

And trying to kiss a colleague is wrong, except in extremely limited circumstances (this is not one of them).

+1. I've had plenty of boozy lunch and dinners with colleagues. Once, after just drinks (in my early 40s), a colleague tried to kiss me and I was shocked. I almost slapped him but kind of felt sorry for him. I knew his wife!

Anyway, I would forgive him and let it go, but not forget about it. He didn't need to tell you so I would take that into consideration. Keep moving your family life along, and that of your marriage. Keep an eye on things but don't go all bat shit. Your life is good and humans make mistakes.

+2. Sounds like a celebration that got a little out of control, but nothing more.

[Anonymous]

I will add, it is probably a good sign that he was transparent with you about his behavior. Don’t fly off the handle too much; you also want him to trust coming to you with things like this. You know your husband and life better than any of us on the internet. Use wisdom, and don’t feel guilty about choosing to trust him, if that is what you decide to do.

If I were in your shoes, I would forgive, forget, and keep things on the up and up. There is a reason the thought crossed his mind. There is also a reason that he told you.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

I’d be concerned that his kids was unwelcome — and that he could get in trouble at work as a result.

[Anonymous]

Trickle truth. That was the best answer. Yes, even if it’s not an affair, it’s inappropriate and needs to stop.

[Anonymous]

OP- what did you do/say?

Did he say how he is going to deal with his co-worker tomorrow?

[Anonymous]

It’s also possible she had him in the friend zone and he tried to kiss her like a moron. (Dear men, just because we’re nice to you doesn’t mean we want to have sex with you). Blame is with husband.