How well do you need to know a family to let your 12 yr old DD sleepover?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I a a father. My DD has sleepovers and sleeps over many times. The only time I refuse is when 1) there is illness, or 2) no DD can not have a friend sleep over if DW is away. That is jut common sense. I know I am trustworthy. But, it does not take much for people to question things.

This rings alarms for some reason....

NP - Why does it ring alarms for you? Sounds reasonable and normal to me.

[Anonymous]

I worried about this a lot more when my son and daughter were younger — too young to be savvy. Now they are 12 and 10 and we have spoken about sexual abuse so much I hope they will be able to make the right decisions and/or talk to me if something is fishy. That said, I would not let them get close to a family if I had a bad vibe about them, and there are some families where I wouldn’t allow an extended trip for example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you be insulted if they worried this much about their daughter coming over to your house?

I am not OP but in no way I would be insulted if my kid's friend's family would like to know us better before leaving their kids for a long time with us. This is just a common sense to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I a a father. My DD has sleepovers and sleeps over many times. The only time I refuse is when 1) there is illness, or 2) no DD can not have a friend sleep over if DW is away. That is jut common sense. I know I am trustworthy. But, it does not take much for people to question things.

This rings alarms for some reason....

NP - Why does it ring alarms for you? Sounds reasonable and normal to me.

Rereading it, it seems reasonable. I guess I had a gut reaction to the implication that a man expects to be suspected of mal intent, as if they can't control themselves without a woman standing guard.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you invite DD's friend to sleep over your house instead? They still get to have a sleepover and this will give you more time to meet the family.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't. I am not a fan of sleepovers. I went to plenty in my youth. Nobody sleeps. You are wiped out and moody the next day. Yes, one of my friends had a creepy brother. Newsflash. If your son is an overly hormonal 14 year old who can't control him then supervise him around your daughter's friends. I had to actively avoid him. He pinched butts, stared at boobs and did try to feel my friends boobs. Bleck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you be insulted if they worried this much about their daughter coming over to your house?

I don't know, PP - it is just my daughter and me at our house. There is no husband or boyfriend EVER in my home. And I would be in our small house during the entire sleepover. This friend has slept over here.

OP here and what should I do? Invite the parents over for dinner? What about the high school age brother?

[Anonymous]

Our rule is that I have met the parents. Both my daughters had many sleepovers over the last 12 years and we have never had an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't let my daughter spend the night at ANY house with males. So this means she'll never spend the night out. Too many men are predators. I grew up in a wealthy area and my friend's dad was outed as a pedaphile many years later. This was one of the families I was allowed to spend the night at.

You are ridiculous.

In addition to have poor spelling and grammar skills, you are teaching your daughter that there is something inherently wrong with all men. Good job, whacko.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be insulted if they worried this much about their daughter coming over to your house?

I don't know, PP - it is just my daughter and me at our house. There is no husband or boyfriend EVER in my home. And I would be in our small house during the entire sleepover. This friend has slept over here.

OP here and what should I do? Invite the parents over for dinner? What about the high school age brother?

Seriously? I bet he wants to stay as far away from your daughter as possible. My DS avoids his sister and her friends like they're radioactive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be insulted if they worried this much about their daughter coming over to your house?

I don't know, PP - it is just my daughter and me at our house. There is no husband or boyfriend EVER in my home. And I would be in our small house during the entire sleepover. This friend has slept over here.

OP here and what should I do? Invite the parents over for dinner? What about the high school age brother?

Why do you need to do ANYTHING other than teach your own daughter to defend herself, and speak up and get help when there's a problem? You can't shield your child from everyone for her whole life. so the best thing you can do is teach her to protect herself and how to ask for help from a grownup when she needs it.

Have you ever studied the psychology of criminals? Of pedophiles? Because I have. And you know what is the best thing we can do to reduce recidivism? Enmesh people in their communities. If this high school brother is treated like a molester by too many people in his community he will either leave the community (if he's 100% healthy) or will think "Might as well since everyone already thinks I'm doing it." There is no reason to assume that just because someone is born with a penis they will use it as a weapon. Unless this high school brother has actually given you any reason to distrust him, then trust him, and trust the parents in charge of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be insulted if they worried this much about their daughter coming over to your house?

I don't know, PP - it is just my daughter and me at our house. There is no husband or boyfriend EVER in my home. And I would be in our small house during the entire sleepover. This friend has slept over here.

OP here and what should I do? Invite the parents over for dinner? What about the high school age brother?

Why do you need to do ANYTHING other than teach your own daughter to defend herself, and speak up and get help when there's a problem? You can't shield your child from everyone for her whole life. so the best thing you can do is teach her to protect herself and how to ask for help from a grownup when she needs it.

Have you ever studied the psychology of criminals? Of pedophiles? Because I have. And you know what is the best thing we can do to reduce recidivism? Enmesh people in their communities. If this high school brother is treated like a molester by too many people in his community he will either leave the community (if he's 100% healthy) or will think "Might as well since everyone already thinks I'm doing it." There is no reason to assume that just because someone is born with a penis they will use it as a weapon. Unless this high school brother has actually given you any reason to distrust him, then trust him, and trust the parents in charge of him.

Would you be comfortable taking that risk with your own 12 year old?

Op, hold off on sleepovers at their house until you know the whole family better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be insulted if they worried this much about their daughter coming over to your house?

I don't know, PP - it is just my daughter and me at our house. There is no husband or boyfriend EVER in my home. And I would be in our small house during the entire sleepover. This friend has slept over here.

OP here and what should I do? Invite the parents over for dinner? What about the high school age brother?

Why do you need to do ANYTHING other than teach your own daughter to defend herself, and speak up and get help when there's a problem? You can't shield your child from everyone for her whole life. so the best thing you can do is teach her to protect herself and how to ask for help from a grownup when she needs it.

Have you ever studied the psychology of criminals? Of pedophiles? Because I have. And you know what is the best thing we can do to reduce recidivism? Enmesh people in their communities. If this high school brother is treated like a molester by too many people in his community he will either leave the community (if he's 100% healthy) or will think "Might as well since everyone already thinks I'm doing it." There is no reason to assume that just because someone is born with a penis they will use it as a weapon. Unless this high school brother has actually given you any reason to distrust him, then trust him, and trust the parents in charge of him.

Would you be comfortable taking that risk with your own 12 year old?

Op, hold off on sleepovers at their house until you know the whole family better.

Yes, and she's' always been fine. Because I've taught her right from wrong and how to deal with warning signs of wrong.

[Anonymous]

From the stories that of pedophiles I’ve heard, there is no amount of knowing them that will make a difference. People are always fooled by them. Like the prominent man of Falls a church City that molested his daughter’s friends at sleepovers. I believe his wife was a former mayor of the city.

OP, you can never be certain. Teach your daughter how to speak up and let her have fun with her friends. Or keep her home if that feels better for you. Know that she will miss out on lots of good times and memories with friends, though.

[Anonymous]

Presenting another side of this. My son has been touched inappropriately by another child before. Do you know how hard it is to get anyone to belive you. Do you want your kid to be in a situation where you may ruin another child's life if you get in investigated. Kids do stupid things. At a playdate boudaries are less likely to be crossed. When it's late at night, kids are giddy on sugar and pizza and the parents are asleep they do stupid things. If you want to send your kid other posters, go for it. I would not criticize those who don't.

On the other side of it, let's say the kids play "I'll show you mine and you show me yours" and one kid reports it and the parents call CPS. Then what? Stupid, stupid things happen when kids spend all night together and it is not the 1970s and 80s anymore. Also, guess what? plenty of kids were molested, abused, etc back then which is why there is paranoia now. People romanticize that time period so much it's comical.