Friend not wanting me to speak to her husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she’s trying to hide something (marital issues, family problems, illness?). Either discretely ask another friend if there’s something wrong or stay out of it.

I would not ask another friend. Op, talk to your friend directly about it if it bothers you so much.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it is you. Connor might not approve of you and find you annoying. My husband hides when a few of my friends visit. He can't stand them and finds it difficult to be phony with them.

[Anonymous]

If you're just as close with him as her why can't you send an email saying "So sorry I missed you! Let's find a time to all get together!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been a victim of physical, verbal and emotional abuse. I generally avoided having my then BF or partner interacting w/ my friends because he was volatile or would be critical after.

My friends and family should have recognized that as a red flag.

Just be the kind of friend that is open to hearing things without criticism. If your froend is signalling that her partner is not available, follow her lead or she might distance herself further from you. Victims of abuse generally know what is safe and unsafe for them.

If you continue to visit and share about your life and ask generally about hers, more will come out.

+1

I have heard of this. Don't be over friendly to other people's spouses - if that spouse is abusive, it ends in more abuse. It that what you want? It is not that he prefers you, it is that he is using it against her (not in your favor). It is hard to explain unless you live with it, but outside forced definitely add to the abuse (often without realizing).

[Anonymous]

Everything you described about Anna sounds like someone who might be abusive--controlling, perfectionist, type-A, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been a victim of physical, verbal and emotional abuse. I generally avoided having my then BF or partner interacting w/ my friends because he was volatile or would be critical after.

My friends and family should have recognized that as a red flag.

Just be the kind of friend that is open to hearing things without criticism. If your froend is signalling that her partner is not available, follow her lead or she might distance herself further from you. Victims of abuse generally know what is safe and unsafe for them.

If you continue to visit and share about your life and ask generally about hers, more will come out.

+1

I have heard of this. Don't be over friendly to other people's spouses - if that spouse is abusive, it ends in more abuse. It that what you want? It is not that he prefers you, it is that he is using it against her (not in your favor). It is hard to explain unless you live with it, but outside forced definitely add to the abuse (often without realizing).

He is not abusive. I think you are in the wrong thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been a victim of physical, verbal and emotional abuse. I generally avoided having my then BF or partner interacting w/ my friends because he was volatile or would be critical after.

My friends and family should have recognized that as a red flag.

Just be the kind of friend that is open to hearing things without criticism. If your froend is signalling that her partner is not available, follow her lead or she might distance herself further from you. Victims of abuse generally know what is safe and unsafe for them.

If you continue to visit and share about your life and ask generally about hers, more will come out.

+1

I have heard of this. Don't be over friendly to other people's spouses - if that spouse is abusive, it ends in more abuse. It that what you want? It is not that he prefers you, it is that he is using it against her (not in your favor). It is hard to explain unless you live with it, but outside forced definitely add to the abuse (often without realizing).

He is not abusive. I think you are in the wrong thread.

I am the PP that described my experience as the victim of abusive.

I see that OP has written that friend's spouse is not abusive. I think this is hard to know from the outside. Perhaps if the cictim is beaten frequently and severely and you saw the friend frquently (at least once a week), you would expect to notice.

In my abusive relationships, I was not beaten; however, I was threatened with beatings and dealt with a volatile temper frequently. Early on my friends disliked my BF, but i did not see what they saw, or, rather, I experienced the rest of the abusive cycle - the pledges of love, the apologies, the promises and the fun times - which made me stay. Eventually, when he raised his hand and threatened to beat the crap out of me for the second time, I left. That took eight years. During that time I increasingly withdrew from friendships.

In a second relationship I dealt with more secretive abuse - my partner was nice on the surface but moody and volatile due to undiagnosed mood disorder, nursing a growing drinking problem in an attempt to self-medicate and lying to me wildly in order to carry out sexual encounters with a wide variety of paid an unpaid women. DH couldn't get along with any of my friends, but none of them would have expected that I was being verbally and emotionally abused. Some might have said we had "relationship" problems, but not many noticed. The few friends and family to whom I have told the entire story were shocked and horrified because they had no clue.

I am mot saying, OP's friend is being abused, I am just saying a possibility.

Also, it's interesting to see the friend being described as contoing or a perfectionist. That is a red flag, especially if it is behaviour that didn't start until the relationship. Hypervigilance and a desire to be perfect is one way victims try to minimize the triggers for abuse.

[Anonymous]

Also, it's interesting to see the friend being described as contoing or a perfectionist. That is a red flag, especially if it is behaviour that didn't start until the relationship. Hypervigilance and a desire to be perfect is one way victims try to minimize the triggers for abuse.

This was true for me. I was always organized but controlling circumstances that I could actually control was a coping mechanism.

However, I would never bring my friends to my house as I hated when my ex was fake nice to them as it was such a show. I always went to their houses for an escape. Plus at my house, my ex wouldn't leave us alone and did and said things that made me feel shame.

At least in my case, my ex didn't want me to have friends at all, let alone in my house and would be mad if they were there or if I mentioned them offering to help me with something at home.

Are you sure you're not being overly sensitive OP? Maybe he was just having a bad day. I also think you should email or ask him if you really are close. Maybe he doesn't view you as a very close friend. Has he confided in you about anything ever? I could comfortably ask my close friends what's up. Has anyone ever told you that you're overly flirty? Are you respectful that their marriage is a closer bond above your friendships?

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but I really don't see why we should be focusing on the possibility of abuse by the husband when nothing points to it. With all due respect to the poster who was thus abused, this is NOT something friends and family can interpret as a red flag for spousal abuse.

All you can do is ask nicely whether she needs help, but that won't do a thing if she's the one abusing her husband.

[Anonymous]

It's interesting that you interpret this as your friend not wanting you to speak to her husband. In both situations, her husband was present if he wanted to speak to you he could have. He chose not to.

[Anonymous]

Are you active on social media? Is he?

Do you all share the same political views?

This seems like post Trump election drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everything you described about Anna sounds like someone who might be abusive--controlling, perfectionist, type-A, etc.

Yeah and OK thinks it's ok that she's controlling b.c it's about good" things like food, housekeeping etc. But heres the thing...controlling is controlling. No matter how you slice iy.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you directly ask her what's up? If she's such a good friend she should let you know.

[Anonymous]

Conor yelled out your name during orgasm last time they had sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you directly ask her what's up? If she's such a good friend she should let you know.

Ding ding ding! We have a winner