Friend not wanting me to speak to her husband

[Anonymous]

In college we had a close friend group if 5 (3 girls, 2 guys) and we hung out throughout school. In senior year two members of the group, Anna and Connor, started dating, got married, had kids and are still together and seemingly happily married 20 years later.

For the ten years after college Anna and I worked together and four of the original five frequently got together. I moved away about eight years ago, we keep in touch with Anna through text / Facebook and I see Anna, Connor and family probably 4 times a year for a visit.

About 3 visits ago, Anna suggested that instead of doing something all together, that just she and I get together. Sure, sounds good and we had a good day.

The next visit I went to their house and Connor was there. He barely spoke to me and Anna was definitely trying to move me to another room, avoid talking to him. It was odd but I thought maybe they had had a fight or something and she just didn't want to be around him.

I visited again recently and it was equally as odd. She brought me into the house but then inmediately ushered me into a small front room and said lets visit here. I could hear Connor in the kitchen /living room and felt very strange not saying hi as I have been friends with him just as long as her although other than a brief hi and catching up during visits, I am not in contact with him.

Anna tried to explain it as he was under a lot of stress and in a bad mood so she wanted to give him space but the whole thing was just awkward and weird. At one point he came to the front room where we were and said hi and was asking her a question and she kid of shooed him away before he could say much. He stood there for a few seconds silently then just walked away. Again very awkward.

Obviously something is going on but I have no idea what. She didn't talk as though there were any issues and kind of laughed it off when I asked about the weird dynamic. As I was leaving, I said I should go say goodbye to Connor and she told me he was busy but she would say bye for me.

I now feel weird about visiting again. I could just ask her to meet me for lunch but it also feels strange to just never speak to Connor again.

I'm not sure what advice I am lookin for. Just trying to make sense of a weird situation.

[Anonymous]

Well, since you asked and she obviously didn't want to tell you, your choices are

1) forget about it
or
2) ask Connor directly

He probably had an affair, or he confessed to her that he had a crush on you, or she is a controlling person who is attempting to and succeeding in ruining his life.

[Anonymous]

She's not going to tell you so you can only guess.
Perhaps one of them is mentally ill and has become paranoid.
Perhaps they're not getting along and she's punishing him by isolating him from old friends.
Who knows, but it's definitely weird.

[Anonymous]

Did you and Connor ever have a thing? Anything happen that she could be jealous over? Are you hot?

[Anonymous]

The more I think about this the more I think it is your friend Anna alienating him from his friends and life. You should try to talk with him and let him know he has your unconditional support should he ever need/want it.

Spousal abuse, female -> male, is under-reported and embarrassing. But dangerous for him and his kids.

[Anonymous]

Ask your other friends what they've seen so you can determine if it is YOU or all people.

[Anonymous]

I have been a victim of physical, verbal and emotional abuse. I generally avoided having my then BF or partner interacting w/ my friends because he was volatile or would be critical after.

My friends and family should have recognized that as a red flag.

Just be the kind of friend that is open to hearing things without criticism. If your froend is signalling that her partner is not available, follow her lead or she might distance herself further from you. Victims of abuse generally know what is safe and unsafe for them.

If you continue to visit and share about your life and ask generally about hers, more will come out.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she’s trying to hide something (marital issues, family problems, illness?). Either discretely ask another friend if there’s something wrong or stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Unbeknownst to you, she may have used you in a lie/cover up. Now her husband is mad at you and she is manipulating the situation by keeping you apart to ensure you two don't compare notes.

[Anonymous]

Are you using their real names? I hope these aren’t their real names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you and Connor ever have a thing? Anything happen that she could be jealous over? Are you hot?

No never. Connor fell in love with Anna the day he met her pretty much and I have never even seen him flirt with anyone else.

As to abuse, I don't see it on either side.

Anna is a very Type A, anxious, intense, high strung perfectionist. She puts 100% into everything she does, is on top of everything and is definitely the boss of the house. She is very organized and is the parent who manages the kids lives. She can be a bit obsessive about the house being clean, staying fit, what they eat, etc and is a little controlling in an effort to keep everything the way she feels it should be. She has always been exactly like this, not a change over time.

Connor has a demanding job and spends more time at work than he should during the week. He leaves everything to Anna during the week, other than he does what she asks /tells him to do. On the weekends though he is always doing stuff with the kids, fixing projects, cleaning / laundry and very family man. He is also a really hard worker and likes things done well so they have that in common. He concedes to Anna on most things.


They are both very fit. Neither socializes much as their lives are very scheduled and busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you using their real names? I hope these aren’t their real names.

Not real names.

[Anonymous]

Also they have four kids so life is very hectic

[Anonymous]

Most likely reason is probably that they're fighting.

[Anonymous]

It could be that he hates having people at the house, and she insisted on inviting you and him not having to interact was their compromise. My ex hated it when I invited people to our place and would be rude if I forced her to interact, so I behaved similarly to Anna. I would just hang out with her outside of her home and see if you get an opening to talk to her about the dynamic.