S/O insisting on hosting Thanksgiving etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about these families. What would happen if you called dibs on hosting next year?

I feel like our family has the opposite problem. Hosting is a hot potato; no one wants to do it.

Same here. My parents are deceased and my DH has one parent all the way across the country. My siblings usually go their in-laws for thanksgiving. This year, one of them suggested via text that we all get together and everyone enthusiastically agreed. I asked where? and there has been silence ever since, LOL. I'll volunteer if no one else does but I'm hoping someone else caves first. They are both better cooks and one has a much better house for hosting.

[Anonymous]

I always dreamed of hosting Thanksgiving in my home, and did it for a couple of years when my oldest kids were small. My parents, brother + SO would come, It was small but fun.

But, I have a kid with a mid-November birthday, and I've found that I need a break after the kid-a-palooza that is October/pumpkin patch/fall festival/Halloween and this kid's birthday, and before Hanukkah/Christmas/Winter Break. So my parents host.

My MIL complained about being lonely this year, but she and FIL live a plane-ride away in a small condo. They could come to us (or to my parents), but they won't. We'll try and deal with that somehow next year.

[Anonymous]

My MIL also tries to guilt and I think she has grand visions for a "Family Holiday". The reality is always nothing prepared, no plan, they haven't even gone shopping. After we maybe figure something out, SIL is super late and doesn't help with anything. If they even all show up. It is frustrating and unfair to our kids. It's happened in this same pattern enough times that I can narrate the prophesy exactly to my spouse, and then we laugh and turn MIL down.

Not quite the 500 person hootenanny from the PP, but the same irritating chaos and not for us, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I host every other year. So every other year I travel to my inlaws and then every other year I host. When I host, no one from inlaws family shows up. My parents come though and enjoy not being alone on the holiday. When I go to my inlaws, they spend the holiday by themselves as I'm an only child.

PP above and it would be the same here. My family would have nowhere to go. Luckily DH could give two shits if we go to his side, so it works out perfectly.

Oh wow. So you never go to his family's for Thanksgiving? That doesn't seem that fair. My parents spend half of their holidays alone, which is pretty sad but I can't never see my inlaws on holidays. This year they're alone on Christmas but not Thanksgiving.

When I host both parents attend my celebration, but when inlaws host, they don't invite my parents. It's a bone of contention with my parents that inlaws attend "their" Christmases, but don't invite them when it's not their year.

No, because his parents don't host. If they did, we would trade off. I'm not going to a huge house party with 50+ people and a bunch of shitty potluck food. Sorry. His parents and siblings are invited to our house every year for all or part of the day (i.e. stop by later for pie). They choose the melee. Whatevs.

His parents have 7000 family members and friends. Mine don't. At Christmas it's a fucking nightmare every year b/c his parents INSIST on having everyone together on Christmas Day instead of trading off. My older sister works retail and can't do Christmas Eve. So b/c of their insistence we have essentially three Christmases on Christmas Day every year - our own nuclear family in the early AM, his family and my family (trading off between brunch/early afternoon and evening). They have their traditions and won't give an inch. So DH and I have insisted on our own. I think that's fair.

You just sound worse and worse every time you post. Your poor husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I host every other year. So every other year I travel to my inlaws and then every other year I host. When I host, no one from inlaws family shows up. My parents come though and enjoy not being alone on the holiday. When I go to my inlaws, they spend the holiday by themselves as I'm an only child.

PP above and it would be the same here. My family would have nowhere to go. Luckily DH could give two shits if we go to his side, so it works out perfectly.

Oh wow. So you never go to his family's for Thanksgiving? That doesn't seem that fair. My parents spend half of their holidays alone, which is pretty sad but I can't never see my inlaws on holidays. This year they're alone on Christmas but not Thanksgiving.

When I host both parents attend my celebration, but when inlaws host, they don't invite my parents. It's a bone of contention with my parents that inlaws attend "their" Christmases, but don't invite them when it's not their year.

No, because his parents don't host. If they did, we would trade off. I'm not going to a huge house party with 50+ people and a bunch of shitty potluck food. Sorry. His parents and siblings are invited to our house every year for all or part of the day (i.e. stop by later for pie). They choose the melee. Whatevs.

His parents have 7000 family members and friends. Mine don't. At Christmas it's a fucking nightmare every year b/c his parents INSIST on having everyone together on Christmas Day instead of trading off. My older sister works retail and can't do Christmas Eve. So b/c of their insistence we have essentially three Christmases on Christmas Day every year - our own nuclear family in the early AM, his family and my family (trading off between brunch/early afternoon and evening). They have their traditions and won't give an inch. So DH and I have insisted on our own. I think that's fair.

You just sound worse and worse every time you post. Your poor husband.

You're nuts. She sounds like abnormal person, and her husband agrees.

At some point, people are allowed to establish their own traditions. PP is an adult and she and her husband can decide where they want to spend holidays. She isn't obligated to go to this insane family gathering for the rest of time, especially since her husband doesn't even want to go!

DH has always gone to his aunts house for thanksgiving, but now that we have kids, we've decided to do our own thing sometimes. We have all gotten food poisoning at his family thanksgiving, we have to stay in a hotel 15 minutes away and it's a nightmare to try to deal with little kids and nap time. Super violent movies all day on the TV, they all have lots of guns that they bring out and pass around to everyone, including kids and people with zero experience with guns. It's a chaotic mess and we don't want to do it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about these families. What would happen if you called dibs on hosting next year?

I feel like our family has the opposite problem. Hosting is a hot potato; no one wants to do it.

Same here. My parents are deceased and my DH has one parent all the way across the country. My siblings usually go their in-laws for thanksgiving. This year, one of them suggested via text that we all get together and everyone enthusiastically agreed. I asked where? and there has been silence ever since, LOL. I'll volunteer if no one else does but I'm hoping someone else caves first. They are both better cooks and one has a much better house for hosting.

OP here- could you meet at a third party location? Like rent a house in that is equidistant to all parties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I host every other year. So every other year I travel to my inlaws and then every other year I host. When I host, no one from inlaws family shows up. My parents come though and enjoy not being alone on the holiday. When I go to my inlaws, they spend the holiday by themselves as I'm an only child.

PP above and it would be the same here. My family would have nowhere to go. Luckily DH could give two shits if we go to his side, so it works out perfectly.

Oh wow. So you never go to his family's for Thanksgiving? That doesn't seem that fair. My parents spend half of their holidays alone, which is pretty sad but I can't never see my inlaws on holidays. This year they're alone on Christmas but not Thanksgiving.

When I host both parents attend my celebration, but when inlaws host, they don't invite my parents. It's a bone of contention with my parents that inlaws attend "their" Christmases, but don't invite them when it's not their year.

No, because his parents don't host. If they did, we would trade off. I'm not going to a huge house party with 50+ people and a bunch of shitty potluck food. Sorry. His parents and siblings are invited to our house every year for all or part of the day (i.e. stop by later for pie). They choose the melee. Whatevs.

His parents have 7000 family members and friends. Mine don't. At Christmas it's a fucking nightmare every year b/c his parents INSIST on having everyone together on Christmas Day instead of trading off. My older sister works retail and can't do Christmas Eve. So b/c of their insistence we have essentially three Christmases on Christmas Day every year - our own nuclear family in the early AM, his family and my family (trading off between brunch/early afternoon and evening). They have their traditions and won't give an inch. So DH and I have insisted on our own. I think that's fair.

You just sound worse and worse every time you post. Your poor husband.

I would have thought by now, with kids and all, you would have learned that what works for you, doesn't work for everyone. I think the PP's plan works out well. I don't blame her a bit - especially since I can relate. My family is in the midwest and since I moved out of state in my 20s, have never been back for Thanksgiving. I couldn't afford to come for T-day AND Christmas and so T-day was without me. I LOVED the T-days with just friends. DH's family is local so we spend T-day with his aunt/cousin. It's just like the melee the PP describes. I endured it. But, one year, the aunt/cousin decided to go out of town for T-day. It was WONDERFUL doing our own thing.

When my kids are married and having to decide where to spend the holidays, I'm not going to make it difficult for them. I'm perfectly fine being home alone on T-day and Christmas. I have a lot of experience celebrating whenever we get together rather than the day-of. We can all enjoy being together without the stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I host at my home every year b/c no one else on my side of the family wants to do it or has the space to do it. Plus DH loves making pies and he loves my cooking of this meal best. Our problem is that his side of the family has been going to his aunt's for years, and we get shit every year for not going to that. It's as if my family doesn't exist. This party is a fucking melee - 50+ people with a ton of screaming kids running around, and it's potluck, and half the food is shit. So sorry Charlie, we are never going. We see you people are 4,576,891 other huge Catholic family gatherings throughout the year. Deal with it.

We have a lovely day of cooking and parade and football watching and it's the first day of Christmas music in our house. It's just 10 of us and after we eat we play games. We end the day overfull and happy and watching Planes, Trains and Automobiles. It's perfect.

You sound like you are very difficult and mean.

Well, you don't know me or the whole situation, so. . .there's that. DH and I are in total agreement on this plan. So it works for us. You do you.

Sounds more like DH can't afford a divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about these families. What would happen if you called dibs on hosting next year?

I feel like our family has the opposite problem. Hosting is a hot potato; no one wants to do it.

Same here. My parents are deceased and my DH has one parent all the way across the country. My siblings usually go their in-laws for thanksgiving. This year, one of them suggested via text that we all get together and everyone enthusiastically agreed. I asked where? and there has been silence ever since, LOL. I'll volunteer if no one else does but I'm hoping someone else caves first. They are both better cooks and one has a much better house for hosting.

OP here- could you meet at a third party location? Like rent a house in that is equidistant to all parties?

Not sure what you mean? In theory we could rent a house middle of the country for us to go to and his mom to go to, but it would add an awful lot of cost and trouble and cause both parties to get on a plan, just to avoid a longer plane ride for one party. We just don't think think it's worth it for the few days and apparently his mom feels the same way because she's never come here. My siblings and I live close together; it wouldn't make sense to rent a house.

[Anonymous]

OMG, can anyone host me and my crazy bunch for Thanksgiving? I would love to skip the cooking, the cleaning, and everything else relating to this wonderful feast! LOL

[Anonymous]

We are lucky that we have a third holiday to split among the family - Persian New Year is the big one on my side. So, since we aren't Christian, DH's mom gets Christmas, my folks get PNY, and I get Thanksgiving. It's less hosting and more that person gets to decide what we're doing for the holiday (whether we go to their place or they come to ours). Honestly, tho, now that we have kids, I'd rather host. Cleaning house and cooking > traveling long distance with little people any day of the year.

[Anonymous]

My options are to either travel and stay in a tiny 3 bedroom/2 bath house with 10 people or we host, everyone gets upset and it's a lot of work and expense. I debate every year which is worse.

[Anonymous]

My brother and his wife host every single year, because they insist on it. It's a pain for us because we're the only ones with young children and it's not far enough to warrant a hotel stay but the trip makes for a very long day. SIL also invites her parents, who aren't particularly nice people (vaguely racist and not-so-vaguely misogynistic). My parents come too and I don't think they really enjoy it. My mom and I have both offered to host numerous times and SIL always whines about how inconvenient that would be for her parents, so we give in. Rinse and repeat for Christmas and Easter. Every year, we get invited to spend those holidays with neighbors and close friends and I expect we'll take them up on it sooner or later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and his wife host every single year, because they insist on it. It's a pain for us because we're the only ones with young children and it's not far enough to warrant a hotel stay but the trip makes for a very long day. SIL also invites her parents, who aren't particularly nice people (vaguely racist and not-so-vaguely misogynistic). My parents come too and I don't think they really enjoy it. My mom and I have both offered to host numerous times and SIL always whines about how inconvenient that would be for her parents, so we give in. Rinse and repeat for Christmas and Easter. Every year, we get invited to spend those holidays with neighbors and close friends and I expect we'll take them up on it sooner or later.

Time to throw down! Seriously, make an announcement that you’re gonna start spending some holidays at home, and that any of them who wishes to join you can do so. Maybe have a conversation with your mom ahead of time so she knows, and your parents can adjust accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and his wife host every single year, because they insist on it. It's a pain for us because we're the only ones with young children and it's not far enough to warrant a hotel stay but the trip makes for a very long day. SIL also invites her parents, who aren't particularly nice people (vaguely racist and not-so-vaguely misogynistic). My parents come too and I don't think they really enjoy it. My mom and I have both offered to host numerous times and SIL always whines about how inconvenient that would be for her parents, so we give in. Rinse and repeat for Christmas and Easter. Every year, we get invited to spend those holidays with neighbors and close friends and I expect we'll take them up on it sooner or later.

This sounds a lot like my brother, who "likes to cook" so never will give up hosting, & never wants to come to my house, although I traveled to his (including plane flights) for years. Now I do my own holidays with my nuclear family, bz there was never any reciprocity, even though ironically we live an hour apart now & could absolutely make it work. Makes my mom upset, which is too bad. My DH is not close to his family of origin (not his fault, & for reasons I will not post even on an anonymous forum). So, sometimes I cook for just our kids & us, and we now occasionally travel on Thanksgiving Day itself, which has been very fun. For those who are frustrated with complicated family dynamics, sometimes it's best just to embrace new traditions!