Avoiding becoming my sister's keeper

[Anonymous]

I get it. My sister is amazingly self absorbed. She thinks she has this higher superior ground because she chose to follow her passion - art, but fails to acknowledge that she could not take care of herself financially. it was depressing to think that I will spend my retirement talking care of her, while she goes on and on about how she lived a better life. Luckily she married a much younger man Who has a job with actual benefits.

What is scary is my parents were actually pretty into tough love, but I guess they did cave at some point. Imagine had they coddled her.

[Anonymous]

I think you avoid being her keeper by simply refusing to do it when the time comes. I have abusive parents who I refuse to have a relationship. I am fully prepared, that when they need help when they are very old and sick to simply not provide it. They will not live with me, I will not support them financially, I will not visit. They can live on the street for all I care. If you don't want to help, don't.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I've spent a lot of time thinking about this over the past couple weeks and have reached this conclusion: all of my sister's relationships are essentially mercenary, which is why all of them have failed. I would never let her go without food or shelter but I will not make any effort to sustain her lifestyle or appease her with invitations to substitute my family/friendships for those she has lost.

[Anonymous]

That works OP. I have one sister and one SIL with which I will have to take the same position. Actually my SIL is really nice and fun just has no retirement plan. My younger sister, well her DH left her after 32 years of marriage. She has a couple thousand and a house but no will to move forward. SIGH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regarding SSDI -- has she ever worked?

She has worked, but never for much more than $12=$15 per hour. Our parents repeatedly financed her efforts to finish her college education (she lied about her original five years in college and never graduated, they found out years afterwards). I suspect the funds were used for shopping or whatever, not education. Her adult son has repeatedly pulled similar scams on her and her husband but she has never owned that he was modeling his dishonesty on her example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I've spent a lot of time thinking about this over the past couple weeks and have reached this conclusion: all of my sister's relationships are essentially mercenary, which is why all of them have failed. I would never let her go without food or shelter but I will not make any effort to sustain her lifestyle or appease her with invitations to substitute my family/friendships for those she has lost.

That seems simple and fair, doesn't it? However, if she's really mentally disturbed, it could be a whole world of pain to get those basics for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you avoid being her keeper by simply refusing to do it when the time comes. I have abusive parents who I refuse to have a relationship. I am fully prepared, that when they need help when they are very old and sick to simply not provide it. They will not live with me, I will not support them financially, I will not visit. They can live on the street for all I care. If you don't want to help, don't.

I love this so much!! I'm stealing this plan for dealing with my abusive parents!!

[Anonymous]

My brother is nearly incapable of caring for himself mainly due to severe depression. He’s 4 years younger than me, and I fully commiserate with the feeling that he is a hot mess that I will inherit. I’ve asked my parents to set aside money in trust for his care, and they have done so. Beyond that, I’m not sure what can be done. He lives in such a remote place that I can’t imagine being able to hire someone for home nursing visits, house/yard cleaning etc.

My brother’s house is wall-to-wall filled with junk: the counters & floors are filthy, animal feces in many rooms, mouse/ termite & wasp infestations in various places, rusting objects outside. My father & I once cleared out one level (20+ trips to the dump with a small trailer filled with trash bags each time) of his house. Within a week, he had begun hoarding again.

In my case, my brother is a really sweet guy, but he smokes heavily, has a severe hoarding problem, is addicted to painkillers, and has resisted any efforts to get counseling. You can’t make a person get therapy, you can’t make them keep their living quarters reasonably sanitary - they have to want it. I feel horrible for him and for saying this, but I hope he dies well before old age sets in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that you (and your spouse if you have one) should spend some time deciding in advance what your plan is to deal with your sister if she ends up destitute. Find out what she may be entitled to (such as Social Security), and learn about any services available both in her area and in yours. In your position, my goal would be to find a way to keep her from becoming homeless without handing her any cash directly.

I agree--I would look into what resources are available to help ensure that she has somewhere to live, and be prepared to deploy those. I would not give her any money directly, and would pay only for housing and medical care directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you avoid being her keeper by simply refusing to do it when the time comes. I have abusive parents who I refuse to have a relationship. I am fully prepared, that when they need help when they are very old and sick to simply not provide it. They will not live with me, I will not support them financially, I will not visit. They can live on the street for all I care. If you don't want to help, don't.

I love this so much!! I'm stealing this plan for dealing with my abusive parents!!

Is this sarcasm or could you really not come up with this idea on your own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It's a bit concerning that your only expressed worry is that she might end up on your doorstep, ie, bothering you. I hope this is only a shorthand, and that you spent decades trying to find her mental health specialists and therapists?

Hoarding and compulsive shopping are both linked to ADHD, which in turn is linked to depression and anxiety. All of these things will generate conflict with loves ones. Has she been evaluated for any of those?

I didn't know hoarding is associated with ADHD. Makes sense

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you avoid being her keeper by simply refusing to do it when the time comes. I have abusive parents who I refuse to have a relationship. I am fully prepared, that when they need help when they are very old and sick to simply not provide it. They will not live with me, I will not support them financially, I will not visit. They can live on the street for all I care. If you don't want to help, don't.

I love this so much!! I'm stealing this plan for dealing with my abusive parents!!

Is this sarcasm or could you really not come up with this idea on your own?

No, not sarcasm. I guess seeing someone else do it helps me give myself permission to take the same approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I've spent a lot of time thinking about this over the past couple weeks and have reached this conclusion: all of my sister's relationships are essentially mercenary, which is why all of them have failed. I would never let her go without food or shelter but I will not make any effort to sustain her lifestyle or appease her with invitations to substitute my family/friendships for those she has lost.

That seems simple and fair, doesn't it? However, if she's really mentally disturbed, it could be a whole world of pain to get those basics for her.

How do you go about making sure they never go without food or shelter without housing them or giving them money? Similar situation with sibling with mental illness, refusing counseling, freelancing/poor/in debt, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you avoid being her keeper by simply refusing to do it when the time comes. I have abusive parents who I refuse to have a relationship. I am fully prepared, that when they need help when they are very old and sick to simply not provide it. They will not live with me, I will not support them financially, I will not visit. They can live on the street for all I care. If you don't want to help, don't.

I love this so much!! I'm stealing this plan for dealing with my abusive parents!!

Is this sarcasm or could you really not come up with this idea on your own?

No, not sarcasm. I guess seeing someone else do it helps me give myself permission to take the same approach.

She doesn't have ADHD, she's greedy and has always sort of seen herself as a "grand lady" She has so much jewelry, much of it sterling and gold, that she could wear a necklace ever day for a year and not repeat yet she still buys more. She was always shopping/collecting on behalf of her kids until they distanced themselves. Her office made her take down an Xmas tree which she decorated for every holiday. At least two rooms plus the garage in her home are packed floor to ceiling with cardboard boxes full of her collections, some of which have possible resale value but are so vast that I don't know how anyone will ever sort it out. If I were married to her I think I'd also be an alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you avoid being her keeper by simply refusing to do it when the time comes. I have abusive parents who I refuse to have a relationship. I am fully prepared, that when they need help when they are very old and sick to simply not provide it. They will not live with me, I will not support them financially, I will not visit. They can live on the street for all I care. If you don't want to help, don't.

I love this so much!! I'm stealing this plan for dealing with my abusive parents!!

Is this sarcasm or could you really not come up with this idea on your own?

No, not sarcasm. I guess seeing someone else do it helps me give myself permission to take the same approach.

She doesn't have ADHD, she's greedy and has always sort of seen herself as a "grand lady" She has so much jewelry, much of it sterling and gold, that she could wear a necklace ever day for a year and not repeat yet she still buys more. She was always shopping/collecting on behalf of her kids until they distanced themselves. Her office made her take down an Xmas tree which she decorated for every holiday. At least two rooms plus the garage in her home are packed floor to ceiling with cardboard boxes full of her collections, some of which have possible resale value but are so vast that I don't know how anyone will ever sort it out. If I were married to her I think I'd also be an alcoholic.

You don't know that unless you've seen the psychiatrist's report, OP. ADHD is not just the hyper kind. Hoarders are usually the daydreaming, inattentive kind who feel completely overwhelmed trying to sort their stuff and therefore don't.
I hope you understand she's severely mentally ill.