Avoiding becoming my sister's keeper

[Anonymous]

My adult sister and I have not been close since childhood. We go years between visits but I call her occasionally because she is my only living sibling but it always results in a litany of woes. She is estranged from one child and the other is a user who would never take responsibility for her. Her marriage is failing. She's also a hoarder and compulsive shopper.
I'm really afraid she's going to end up on my doorstep. Has anyone dealt with this? How?

[Anonymous]

It's a bit concerning that your only expressed worry is that she might end up on your doorstep, ie, bothering you. I hope this is only a shorthand, and that you spent decades trying to find her mental health specialists and therapists?

Hoarding and compulsive shopping are both linked to ADHD, which in turn is linked to depression and anxiety. All of these things will generate conflict with loves ones. Has she been evaluated for any of those?

[Anonymous]

A lot could happen between now and then. Live your life until you need to deal with her differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot could happen between now and then. Live your life until you need to deal with her differently.

+1 Make sure your finances are in really good shape so you'll have more options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It's a bit concerning that your only expressed worry is that she might end up on your doorstep, ie, bothering you. I hope this is only a shorthand, and that you spent decades trying to find her mental health specialists and therapists?

Hoarding and compulsive shopping are both linked to ADHD, which in turn is linked to depression and anxiety. All of these things will generate conflict with loves ones. Has she been evaluated for any of those?

Give OP a break. It may be that she tried to get her sister to see a specialist and sister wouldn't listen. And whether she did or not, OP would be wise to prepare herself for the possibility that she'll have to decide whether or not to help her sister and if so how much. Been there. Done that. Might as well spend some time reflecting on how much you'll be involved in your sister's care.

[Anonymous]

I have tried to talk to her about her hoarding but I'm afraid I enabled her by "giving in" when it came to my mom's things. Somehow I thought that giving her everything she wanted would heal something. It didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's a bit concerning that your only expressed worry is that she might end up on your doorstep, ie, bothering you. I hope this is only a shorthand, and that you spent decades trying to find her mental health specialists and therapists?

Hoarding and compulsive shopping are both linked to ADHD, which in turn is linked to depression and anxiety. All of these things will generate conflict with loves ones. Has she been evaluated for any of those?

Give OP a break. It may be that she tried to get her sister to see a specialist and sister wouldn't listen. And whether she did or not, OP would be wise to prepare herself for the possibility that she'll have to decide whether or not to help her sister and if so how much. Been there. Done that. Might as well spend some time reflecting on how much you'll be involved in your sister's care.

You're clearly sensitive about this subject, PP, because I was trying to choose my words carefully - I could have been a lot more direct.

My best friend sends a monthly stipend to her severely mentally ill older sister, with a couple of known diagnoses. She has spent decades in therapy trying to understand where to draw the line, because of course it doesn't end here. There are innumerable demands on her time and money in addition to the stipend, as well as calls to complain and accuse her of all and sundry. The issue is that her older sister would be suicidal (literally), homeless and in physical danger without my friend's help. My friend feels enormous guilt and resentment over this situation, and it's hard to watch this burden her life. However she had rules from the beginning. One of them was on no account to let her sister live with her. The other is that extra monies go directly to the landlord, or whoever is asking for the money.

So I know where this could end. It doesn't mean understanding and compassion should be throw out of the window.

[Anonymous]

I have compassion for my spouse and kids. I don't love my siblings enough to put them on a stipend. Or deal with the crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have compassion for my spouse and kids. I don't love my siblings enough to put them on a stipend. Or deal with the crazy.

Got it. At least that's honest.

You know the only other solution is to cut her off, but if you were looking for our blessing, that's not going to happen.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I'm not going to support her financially as I know that she would just spend it on more stuff. I'm just wondering whether I should even keep up the phone calls to someone whose only interest in me seems to be as a "back up plan."
The only time she's visited me in three decades was when my mom paid all her expenses to come to two weddings. Even then she whined about having to "watch" my mom, now deceased. She has also tried to reclaim family heirlooms etc. which I purchased from her to prevent them being sold after her first divorce/bankruptcy. She didn't offer to buy them back, just to take them because they were "hers."

[Anonymous]

As someone who has had years of dealing with mentally ill family members, my advice is to first protect yourself. You are not your sister's keeper. Boundaries are your friend and I suggest you work with a therapist now to identify what your boundaries are/will be. Just because someone is 'family' doesn't mean you owe them anything. It sounds like you don't have much of a relationship with your sister - no judgment here! If you weren't related, I doubt you'd have any relationship - again, no judgment. A therapist/counselor can help you come to terms with these feelings that are so contrary to what many people consider 'normal' or what you're 'supposed to do'. When you're dealing with the mentally ill, all those 'normal' rules go out the window.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have compassion for my spouse and kids. I don't love my siblings enough to put them on a stipend. Or deal with the crazy.

Got it. At least that's honest.

You know the only other solution is to cut her off, but if you were looking for our blessing, that's not going to happen.

Speak for yourself. She has my blessing.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you (and your spouse if you have one) should spend some time deciding in advance what your plan is to deal with your sister if she ends up destitute. Find out what she may be entitled to (such as Social Security), and learn about any services available both in her area and in yours. In your position, my goal would be to find a way to keep her from becoming homeless without handing her any cash directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has had years of dealing with mentally ill family members, my advice is to first protect yourself. You are not your sister's keeper. Boundaries are your friend and I suggest you work with a therapist now to identify what your boundaries are/will be. Just because someone is 'family' doesn't mean you owe them anything. It sounds like you don't have much of a relationship with your sister - no judgment here! If you weren't related, I doubt you'd have any relationship - again, no judgment. A therapist/counselor can help you come to terms with these feelings that are so contrary to what many people consider 'normal' or what you're 'supposed to do'. When you're dealing with the mentally ill, all those 'normal' rules go out the window.

+1. Investigate SSI and SSDI and see if she can own her own home (you can own your residence and still receive SSI which is way better than section 8)

[Anonymous]

Regarding SSDI -- has she ever worked?