putting any career advancement on hold indefinitely because your spouse works a big job

[Anonymous]

The answer is that you can't have it all. So either ask your DH to take a step back in his career, step up your career (oh god, your kids won't get 100% of your attention?!) or accept the role you have assumed and pray to god that your marriage never breaks down.

[Anonymous]

You need to look at this from the holistic view of what works for the family unit, not for two individuals. Is what you have now the best from the perspective of money, time, and family? In general, there is always going to be someone with the primary job and income, the secondary job which factors into the primary job, and the running of the family. The only thing that feminism changed is that the primary job doesn't have to belong to the husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a divorce lawyer, if I can offer you advice, it is to get something down on paper acknowledging your contributions to your husband's career and your entitlement to half of his earnings. Even just a one-pager, signed by both of you, that states that (1) the consideration is maintaining a flexible job and passing up promotions in order to facilitate your family life and enable your husband to devote himself fully to his career and meet his job requirements, and (2) you are entitled to half of his earnings, pension, any other income for 15-20 years after a divorce.

You are the exact kind of woman ends up living in poverty in old age after a divorce. Current divorce laws will not compensate you for the loss and earnings and retirement savings and career development, so you are a sitting duck if your husband ever leaves.

I would think her ability to do this might depend on how much he recognizes her sacrifice now. Otherwise, proposing this could seem threatening or even hostile. Not to say it's invalid, just suggesting some tact is necessary to raise this.

PP lawyer. Obviously, she has to tailor her approach to her husband. The fact remains, however, that women like OP are the most vulnerable in divorce. The fact that she is working will mean she gets very little, if any alimony and will make her less likely to get full custody, which means she might even owe some child support. At the same time, the concessions she has made during her career will make it hard for her to ramp up to the degree she needs to in order to earn enough for a comfortable retirement.

Women in OP's position never listen to this kind of advice, opting instead not to rock the boat. Meanwhile, their unpaid contributions help their husbands grow highly lucrative careers while the market value of the women themselves continues to plummet.

[Anonymous]

You work 5 hours a day and are paid for it. Stop whining am trying to compete with your husband. Use the other 5 hours to start a business - there you go money and flexibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a divorce lawyer, if I can offer you advice, it is to get something down on paper acknowledging your contributions to your husband's career and your entitlement to half of his earnings. Even just a one-pager, signed by both of you, that states that (1) the consideration is maintaining a flexible job and passing up promotions in order to facilitate your family life and enable your husband to devote himself fully to his career and meet his job requirements, and (2) you are entitled to half of his earnings, pension, any other income for 15-20 years after a divorce.

You are the exact kind of woman ends up living in poverty in old age after a divorce. Current divorce laws will not compensate you for the loss and earnings and retirement savings and career development, so you are a sitting duck if your husband ever leaves.

I would think her ability to do this might depend on how much he recognizes her sacrifice now. Otherwise, proposing this could seem threatening or even hostile. Not to say it's invalid, just suggesting some tact is necessary to raise this.

PP lawyer. Obviously, she has to tailor her approach to her husband. The fact remains, however, that women like OP are the most vulnerable in divorce. The fact that she is working will mean she gets very little, if any alimony and will make her less likely to get full custody, which means she might even owe some child support. At the same time, the concessions she has made during her career will make it hard for her to ramp up to the degree she needs to in order to earn enough for a comfortable retirement.

Women in OP's position never listen to this kind of advice, opting instead not to rock the boat. Meanwhile, their unpaid contributions help their husbands grow highly lucrative careers while the market value of the women themselves continues to plummet.

She's making $100K now and per the OP will be up to $150K with the $5K per year raises, she will hardly end up in poverty. Assuming there is enough income differential between OP and her husband to make your suggested approach worth pursuing it is highly unlikely OP would owe child support in any type of shared custody situation because in many states the guidelines allocate the amount of child support by both the % of physical custody and pro rata by income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband works a typical DC "big job". Long unpredictable hours, travel, influence (in his realm of work anyway), interesting work.
I 100% telecommute in a somewhat mind-numbing job but it pays well ($100K) because I only work about 5 hours a day. I'm paid for 40 but I'm efficient and I'm not closely supervised at all.
Our family couldn't handle me working much more than this because we have 3 elementary aged kids and I'm the default parent for everything.
However, I'm now 42. On one hand I'd like to ride this job into the sunset. I get about a $5K raise each year. Give me 10 years and I'll be making $150K for very short work days.
However, I'm realizing more and more that I've sacrificed my own professional growth because I've balanced out my husband's career (and long hours) for years. Without me treading water in this position, we'd
never be able to have him work as he does and still have a functional marriage and family.
If you're also in this position, can you share your thoughts? It's been weighing on my mind.

How about me hrayefil for what you have? That much money for that little work and you work from home?! That is a gift and you resenting it is bonkers. I work twice that amount, travel 50% of the time and makes less. Wanna trade?

[Anonymous]

Pp - meant be grateful. Blame iPhone and sheer rage and not seeing how lucky you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You work 5 hours a day and are paid for it. Stop whining am trying to compete with your husband. Use the other 5 hours to start a business - there you go money and flexibility.

Yeah double down on the fraud -- run your own business on company time!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You work 5 hours a day and are paid for it. Stop whining am trying to compete with your husband. Use the other 5 hours to start a business - there you go money and flexibility.

Yeah double down on the fraud -- run your own business on company time!!

yall are so bitter go work for a company that values your contributions not your hours worked

PS Almost every single telework job is like this. Do you drop everything and answer an email as soon as it comes in lol

bitter and scared go get another job people life is too short to be chained to a desk working for someone who will fire you in a heartbeat when the contract ends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp - meant be grateful. Blame iPhone and sheer rage and not seeing how lucky you are.

NP here. Yikes, what a bitter asshole you are.

[Anonymous]

Good luck, I have no advice because I deliberately married a man who was never going to have a big job because I wouldn't ever want my career to come second.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in a similar position. My DH is in biglaw, we have 3 small kids. I work FT, 2 days from home, have a very flexible schedule, and am paid well ($160K) for what averages out to a 30 hr a week job most of the time. (FWIW, my colleagues at work have the same perks so they aren't envious, we are all just appreciative). Our oldest is turning 4, so I was very career focused for many years, and only really slowed my career down when DC #2 was born 2 years ago.

TBH, I am not terribly happy with how my career has stalled - I am paid well because I have specific expertise that I have developed over the years - but my current position does not grow or challenge me. This lack of professional growth is very hard for me because it is not my personality to not reach for more professionally, but I LOVE the flexibility/low-demand nature of my job and how it allows me to be fully present when I am home with my kids. I really, really enjoy my time with them and seeing them develop. So far this trade-off has been enough.

I have been actively looking for another position for at least 6 months, although I am only considering options that will also allow me to telework 2 days per week and have flexible office hours (I am fine with working closer to 40-45 hrs/week, as I can get back online after kids are in bed). However, I know that as the kids get older, I want to be able to continue to be present for them, and I want to officially start working part-time. My professional goal now is to put myself in a position within 2-3 years to be able to do part-time consulting or project-based work on meaningful and cutting-edge projects in my field. This last part is the challenge.

I also wanted to address what I think that you are hinting at: that your sacrifice career-wise makes your happy family life possible and your DH is not making a similar sacrifice. I think that this is completely true in my situation, but I am at peace with it because I think the primary beneficiaries are my kids, and (to a large extent) me. I won't gush on and on about them, but I value the time I get to spend with them - even the tedious stuff - and seeing them thrive. Does my DH also benefit from all my hard work on the homefront and with the kids? of course, but that is not why I do it - I do it for them and for me. Also, my DH works long, long hours - which I do not envy him at all - so it is not like he is laying about doing nothing while I'm doing kid/house stuff. And he misses out on kid stuff that I know he wishes he could do - it's not that he comes to all the fun activities and shirks the boring kid stuff. The only thing I envy him is that he really likes his job - and I am working toward being able to say the same.

Wishing you the best as you work through balancing your responsibilities and goals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in a similar position. My DH is in biglaw, we have 3 small kids. I work FT, 2 days from home, have a very flexible schedule, and am paid well ($160K) for what averages out to a 30 hr a week job most of the time. (FWIW, my colleagues at work have the same perks so they aren't envious, we are all just appreciative). Our oldest is turning 4, so I was very career focused for many years, and only really slowed my career down when DC #2 was born 2 years ago.

TBH, I am not terribly happy with how my career has stalled - I am paid well because I have specific expertise that I have developed over the years - but my current position does not grow or challenge me. This lack of professional growth is very hard for me because it is not my personality to not reach for more professionally, but I LOVE the flexibility/low-demand nature of my job and how it allows me to be fully present when I am home with my kids. I really, really enjoy my time with them and seeing them develop. So far this trade-off has been enough.

I have been actively looking for another position for at least 6 months, although I am only considering options that will also allow me to telework 2 days per week and have flexible office hours (I am fine with working closer to 40-45 hrs/week, as I can get back online after kids are in bed). However, I know that as the kids get older, I want to be able to continue to be present for them, and I want to officially start working part-time. My professional goal now is to put myself in a position within 2-3 years to be able to do part-time consulting or project-based work on meaningful and cutting-edge projects in my field. This last part is the challenge.

I also wanted to address what I think that you are hinting at: that your sacrifice career-wise makes your happy family life possible and your DH is not making a similar sacrifice. I think that this is completely true in my situation, but I am at peace with it because I think the primary beneficiaries are my kids, and (to a large extent) me. I won't gush on and on about them, but I value the time I get to spend with them - even the tedious stuff - and seeing them thrive. Does my DH also benefit from all my hard work on the homefront and with the kids? of course, but that is not why I do it - I do it for them and for me. Also, my DH works long, long hours - which I do not envy him at all - so it is not like he is laying about doing nothing while I'm doing kid/house stuff. And he misses out on kid stuff that I know he wishes he could do - it's not that he comes to all the fun activities and shirks the boring kid stuff. The only thing I envy him is that he really likes his job - and I am working toward being able to say the same.

Wishing you the best as you work through balancing your responsibilities and goals.

OP here. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I relate to a lot of what you typed. I also have the situation I do because I have years of experience in a very niche area. My coworkers also have the same arrangement I do. I'm not hiding anything from my boss or his boss. They know I'm not on Skype anymore than 5 hours a day. I get my work done and do it well and they 100% know how few hours I work.

When I married my husband we didn't set for there to be in imbalance in our working lives. But he's always been a somewhat more impressive person than I am. Which is partly why I married him. He has phenomenal people skills and works very hard. As such, he's risen in the ranks at a rapid clip. And for one person to rise at this clip the other one of us had to take a bit of a back role because we weren't able or willing to both be passing in the night. I don't mind the house and child tedium at all, in fact I really enjoy it. I'm just realizing as I turn 43 that wow, time is marching on and I'm not going anywhere professionally.

And to the divorce attorney: No, I'm not going to end up destitute. Even in DC I could (shockingly to many on here!) live on $100K a year. And I have my own 401K which I contribute (with match) $25K a year to. Life would get more complex with a divorce but I'd hardly be in a box on the street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in a similar position. My DH is in biglaw, we have 3 small kids. I work FT, 2 days from home, have a very flexible schedule, and am paid well ($160K) for what averages out to a 30 hr a week job most of the time. (FWIW, my colleagues at work have the same perks so they aren't envious, we are all just appreciative). Our oldest is turning 4, so I was very career focused for many years, and only really slowed my career down when DC #2 was born 2 years ago.

TBH, I am not terribly happy with how my career has stalled - I am paid well because I have specific expertise that I have developed over the years - but my current position does not grow or challenge me. This lack of professional growth is very hard for me because it is not my personality to not reach for more professionally, but I LOVE the flexibility/low-demand nature of my job and how it allows me to be fully present when I am home with my kids. I really, really enjoy my time with them and seeing them develop. So far this trade-off has been enough.

I have been actively looking for another position for at least 6 months, although I am only considering options that will also allow me to telework 2 days per week and have flexible office hours (I am fine with working closer to 40-45 hrs/week, as I can get back online after kids are in bed). However, I know that as the kids get older, I want to be able to continue to be present for them, and I want to officially start working part-time. My professional goal now is to put myself in a position within 2-3 years to be able to do part-time consulting or project-based work on meaningful and cutting-edge projects in my field. This last part is the challenge.

I also wanted to address what I think that you are hinting at: that your sacrifice career-wise makes your happy family life possible and your DH is not making a similar sacrifice. I think that this is completely true in my situation, but I am at peace with it because I think the primary beneficiaries are my kids, and (to a large extent) me. I won't gush on and on about them, but I value the time I get to spend with them - even the tedious stuff - and seeing them thrive. Does my DH also benefit from all my hard work on the homefront and with the kids? of course, but that is not why I do it - I do it for them and for me. Also, my DH works long, long hours - which I do not envy him at all - so it is not like he is laying about doing nothing while I'm doing kid/house stuff. And he misses out on kid stuff that I know he wishes he could do - it's not that he comes to all the fun activities and shirks the boring kid stuff. The only thing I envy him is that he really likes his job - and I am working toward being able to say the same.

Wishing you the best as you work through balancing your responsibilities and goals.

OP here. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I relate to a lot of what you typed. I also have the situation I do because I have years of experience in a very niche area. My coworkers also have the same arrangement I do. I'm not hiding anything from my boss or his boss. They know I'm not on Skype anymore than 5 hours a day. I get my work done and do it well and they 100% know how few hours I work.

When I married my husband we didn't set for there to be in imbalance in our working lives. But he's always been a somewhat more impressive person than I am. Which is partly why I married him. He has phenomenal people skills and works very hard. As such, he's risen in the ranks at a rapid clip. And for one person to rise at this clip the other one of us had to take a bit of a back role because we weren't able or willing to both be passing in the night. I don't mind the house and child tedium at all, in fact I really enjoy it. I'm just realizing as I turn 43 that wow, time is marching on and I'm not going anywhere professionally.

And to the divorce attorney: No, I'm not going to end up destitute. Even in DC I could (shockingly to many on here!) live on $100K a year. And I have my own 401K which I contribute (with match) $25K a year to. Life would get more complex with a divorce but I'd hardly be in a box on the street.

You both sound like me, though I'll bet your husbands make more money. I have the less demanding job, but he has the more flexible schedule, strangely enough. We absolutely could NOT be happy with both of us in highly demanding jobs. Travel alone is enough to knock everyone off balance for a few days; by virtue of my less demanding job, I am around to smooth things out, and we all like it that way.

OP, your job sounds perfect to me and I would NOT mess with it!

[Anonymous]

Can I have your job? ? DH and I are both attorneys. He has a 'big' job and I work very part time. For me, the trick is not feeling like I am sacrifing - I work a bit, have a beloved hobby, see friends for lunch, do all the kid stuff when they get out of school; I feel like I got the better deal! Maybe you need to something else besides family and work that makes your day to day more fun?