putting any career advancement on hold indefinitely because your spouse works a big job

[Anonymous]

My husband works a typical DC "big job". Long unpredictable hours, travel, influence (in his realm of work anyway), interesting work.
I 100% telecommute in a somewhat mind-numbing job but it pays well ($100K) because I only work about 5 hours a day. I'm paid for 40 but I'm efficient and I'm not closely supervised at all.
Our family couldn't handle me working much more than this because we have 3 elementary aged kids and I'm the default parent for everything.
However, I'm now 42. On one hand I'd like to ride this job into the sunset. I get about a $5K raise each year. Give me 10 years and I'll be making $150K for very short work days.
However, I'm realizing more and more that I've sacrificed my own professional growth because I've balanced out my husband's career (and long hours) for years. Without me treading water in this position, we'd
never be able to have him work as he does and still have a functional marriage and family.
If you're also in this position, can you share your thoughts? It's been weighing on my mind.

[Anonymous]

I struggle with this constantly. Sometimes it's ok and I think I can just coast for years. Good money, little demands...what could be better?

Other times I really regret the loss of my career, being respected, traveling to fun places, advancing, growing, learning.

I'm deep in the other time right now. I usually just ride it out but it's getting harder and harder.

[Anonymous]

What do you do, OP?

It's bit risky to change what you currently have, but perhaps when your kids are in middle school?

[Anonymous]

As a divorce lawyer, if I can offer you advice, it is to get something down on paper acknowledging your contributions to your husband's career and your entitlement to half of his earnings. Even just a one-pager, signed by both of you, that states that (1) the consideration is maintaining a flexible job and passing up promotions in order to facilitate your family life and enable your husband to devote himself fully to his career and meet his job requirements, and (2) you are entitled to half of his earnings, pension, any other income for 15-20 years after a divorce.

You are the exact kind of woman ends up living in poverty in old age after a divorce. Current divorce laws will not compensate you for the loss and earnings and retirement savings and career development, so you are a sitting duck if your husband ever leaves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a divorce lawyer, if I can offer you advice, it is to get something down on paper acknowledging your contributions to your husband's career and your entitlement to half of his earnings. Even just a one-pager, signed by both of you, that states that (1) the consideration is maintaining a flexible job and passing up promotions in order to facilitate your family life and enable your husband to devote himself fully to his career and meet his job requirements, and (2) you are entitled to half of his earnings, pension, any other income for 15-20 years after a divorce.

You are the exact kind of woman ends up living in poverty in old age after a divorce. Current divorce laws will not compensate you for the loss and earnings and retirement savings and career development, so you are a sitting duck if your husband ever leaves.

I would think her ability to do this might depend on how much he recognizes her sacrifice now. Otherwise, proposing this could seem threatening or even hostile. Not to say it's invalid, just suggesting some tact is necessary to raise this.

[Anonymous]

Good advice by the attorney.
However, should two people heavily into their careers really be having children? The proper care of young children is a full time, very demanding job. It's a job that demands stability, competence and lots of love. Few parents are lucky enough to find someone else to provide all of that, even if they can afford the $30+/hr. in the DC area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband works a typical DC "big job". Long unpredictable hours, travel, influence (in his realm of work anyway), interesting work.
I 100% telecommute in a somewhat mind-numbing job but it pays well ($100K) because I only work about 5 hours a day. I'm paid for 40 but I'm efficient and I'm not closely supervised at all.
Our family couldn't handle me working much more than this because we have 3 elementary aged kids and I'm the default parent for everything.
However, I'm now 42. On one hand I'd like to ride this job into the sunset. I get about a $5K raise each year. Give me 10 years and I'll be making $150K for very short work days.
However, I'm realizing more and more that I've sacrificed my own professional growth because I've balanced out my husband's career (and long hours) for years. Without me treading water in this position, we'd
never be able to have him work as he does and still have a functional marriage and family.
If you're also in this position, can you share your thoughts? It's been weighing on my mind.

Careful, your coworkers are plotting against you b/c they know you are committed time fraud with your company.

[Anonymous]

Is DH paid 'big job' salaries, like will hit $1M or so?

[Anonymous]

That sounds like an awesome job, mommy track or no!! I don't have kids and I want it! What field are you in?

Can you keep the job reliably)

[Anonymous]

A lot of this depends on how much your spouse makes and the kind of lifestyle that affords you.

The grass is always greener, but with advancement, growth and higher salary comes greater commitment, more responsibility and stress. Whether that is worth it for any individual is up to that individual.

The key issue is this: there are 168 hours in any given week. You cannot make time, all you can do is allocate it. By definition, an hour spent on X is one less hour available to be spent on Y.

[Anonymous]

OP, we are nearly identical in salary, time worked, and DH job situations. I have accepted the situation and am very involved in a hobby to help me feel challenged outside of my career (but that is flexible in the time it occurs). It works for us, but if it's not working for you, change it. You shouldn't be unhappy and unfulfilled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we are nearly identical in salary, time worked, and DH job situations. I have accepted the situation and am very involved in a hobby to help me feel challenged outside of my career (but that is flexible in the time it occurs). It works for us, but if it's not working for you, change it. You shouldn't be unhappy and unfulfilled.

Ok two people with 5hr day telework jobs -- what do yo do!!so jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, we are nearly identical in salary, time worked, and DH job situations. I have accepted the situation and am very involved in a hobby to help me feel challenged outside of my career (but that is flexible in the time it occurs). It works for us, but if it's not working for you, change it. You shouldn't be unhappy and unfulfilled.

Ok two people with 5hr day telework jobs -- what do yo do!!so jealous.

I'd like one too please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, we are nearly identical in salary, time worked, and DH job situations. I have accepted the situation and am very involved in a hobby to help me feel challenged outside of my career (but that is flexible in the time it occurs). It works for us, but if it's not working for you, change it. You shouldn't be unhappy and unfulfilled.

Ok two people with 5hr day telework jobs -- what do yo do!!so jealous.

I'd like one too please.

It kind of seems unfair that it falls to wives with wealthy earning DHs, but maybe there is correlation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works a typical DC "big job". Long unpredictable hours, travel, influence (in his realm of work anyway), interesting work.
I 100% telecommute in a somewhat mind-numbing job but it pays well ($100K) because I only work about 5 hours a day. I'm paid for 40 but I'm efficient and I'm not closely supervised at all.
Our family couldn't handle me working much more than this because we have 3 elementary aged kids and I'm the default parent for everything.
However, I'm now 42. On one hand I'd like to ride this job into the sunset. I get about a $5K raise each year. Give me 10 years and I'll be making $150K for very short work days.
However, I'm realizing more and more that I've sacrificed my own professional growth because I've balanced out my husband's career (and long hours) for years. Without me treading water in this position, we'd
never be able to have him work as he does and still have a functional marriage and family.
If you're also in this position, can you share your thoughts? It's been weighing on my mind.

Careful, your coworkers are plotting against you b/c they know you are committed time fraud with your company.

As they should.