Reckless with money during divorce

[Anonymous]

My SIL removed me from her Facebook account and stopped having skype time between the cousins. In case it's at the advice of her lawyer / she misses me too I wrote her a letter that I'm sorry this is all happening and that I wish her peace and the door is open down the road. So who knows...

In the meantime the money / debt my family told me about is on non-essentials (spa, jewelry, art, replacing all the furniture in their home etc). He's not including things like mortgage, food, lawyers etc in the list. He didn't tell me about it directly - probably because he knows I'd worry.

[Anonymous]

There are at least two sides to every story. Sounds like you're hearing one and even that is through whisper down the alley. You never know what goes on in someone else's relationship and you will never know why she is spending the mo e.g. (If it's even true that she is). Presumably if they are going through a divorce, he has a lawyer and any decent lawyer would have told him how to protect his money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are at least two sides to every story. Sounds like you're hearing one and even that is through whisper down the alley. You never know what goes on in someone else's relationship and you will never know why she is spending the mo e.g. (If it's even true that she is). Presumably if they are going through a divorce, he has a lawyer and any decent lawyer would have told him how to protect his money.

Be skeptical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL removed me from her Facebook account and stopped having skype time between the cousins. In case it's at the advice of her lawyer / she misses me too I wrote her a letter that I'm sorry this is all happening and that I wish her peace and the door is open down the road. So who knows...

In the meantime the money / debt my family told me about is on non-essentials (spa, jewelry, art, replacing all the furniture in their home etc). He's not including things like mortgage, food, lawyers etc in the list. He didn't tell me about it directly - probably because he knows I'd worry.

I can feel your pain, OP.
It's lovely that you've reached out to her & I'm sure that she appreciates it, especially when you're not sure if the other side of the family hates you now.

Sadly though, I wouldn't expect a reply back.
Her council has most likely filled her head with paranoia about speaking to anyone from your side of the family.

As a former paralegal, I imagine her council has probably warned her that you'll try to manipulate her into saying something that your brother can use against her, or that will sabotage her during divorce proceedings.

Even if your SIL implores to her attorneys that you'd NEVER do something so morally & ethically reprehensible to her, that such behavior would go so totally against your nature that the thought is completely infallible to her, it's their job to convince her otherwise.
They will instill as much fear, paranoia & distrust in her regarding your side of the family as they possibly can, sad to say.

The partner of our firm used to tell us that divorce is commensurable to an all out war - a battle for the ages between two super power countries.
Anyone that was caught behind the scenes conversing or conferring with the other side (better known as "the enemy") even if it had absolutely nothing to do with the divorce, it was considered a traitorous action & traitors CAN never and WILL never be trusted.


With regards to the the portion of your post that I bolded...
Replacing household furniture that one spouse has retained after abandoning the marital residence, IS constituted as an "essential" purchase during divorce proceedings, especially if there are children involved (not so much for the children's "physical comfort" per se, but more so for their positive mental health & maintaining a sense of normalcy for them during the divorce).

That being said, your SIL should only be purchasing furniture to replace any items that were taken by your brother when he/she moved out.
Additionally, she should make every attempt to ensure that her purchases are either comparable/equal or "less than" in value to the items being replaced.

Replacing furniture does NOT give her carte blanche to irresponsibly splurge on overly extravagant items that the couple has NEVER owned in their marital home or is not listed as a marital asset.

There's a huge difference between purchasing quality yet affordable furniture from someplace like IKEA or Regency Furniture, and her indulging strictly on high end & expensive furniture from places like French Heritage or Restoration Hardware.

If she truly is spending irresponsibly & your brothers council is worth a lick of salt, they'll have plenty of evidence to present to the judge (especially if they're attempting to use a character assassination strategy).

When a judge is adjudicating divorce proceedings & evidence is presented showing one of the partners (either the plaintiff OR the complainant) spending marital assets haphazardly & selfishly, the judge does NOT look favorably upon them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex-BIL did this. Blew through all the college funds in a year. My sister had to start from scratch.

Your brother should talk to his lawyer.

I would totally do this. I mean its pretty smart before you get to the end of the divorce proceedings and some harpy tries to make you sign an agreement providing for child support until the kid leaves college. Somethings are just BS.

My sister made and makes more money than he does. The money he wasted were funds she had earned and invested for their kids.

The kids now have student loans and are fully aware that their dad is an asshole.

[Anonymous]

Op here. My understanding is my brother didn't take any furniture. I think he rented a furnished apartment but I don't really know his living situation. I actually sort of get her impulse to redecorate since it's the stuff they shared (and a lot was inherited from my relatives) but I still feel really sad about the waist. Apart from concern for my brother and nephew I also assume this will indirectly impact my finances - if my parents feel compelled to help my brother (and I'm sure they do) there's less, for instance, to help with gifts toward our own college savings etc. That's not a main concern at all, but I do think that's in the back of my mind.

[Anonymous]

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/629536.page#10604711 More at the link than 2 quotes below

Anonymous wrote:My brother dated my SIL for 5 years and they have been married for 10. He had an affair and they are now divorcing. I haven't spoken to either of them (have texted with both) but it sounds like things are pretty nasty. My brother behaved poorly, but now she is too (spending all their savings a lot of which was an inheritance my brother brought to the marriage; causing him to lose his business by going after his share; limiting my family's access to their child...). It's all just really sad.

I have a newborn who I feel won't know her aunt and will have limited access to her cousin. I also used to talk with SIL about so many things. She just unfriended me on Facebook so clearly is distancing herself.

I want to reach out but think that's probably selfish. Also I'm mad at both of them and know being mad at her is unproductive. Do I just accept she's not really in my life anymore and my DD won't have a relationship with her aunt and cousin? I don't even know what I want by reaching out ... mostly I'm curious what SIL wants / why she's cut all of us off but I doubt I could ask in a neutral way and doubt she'd tell me if she took my call. Will time heal wounds or is she out of my life?

Op here. I called her / spoke to her quite a bit when this all first happened (this fall). Then she stopped taking my calls as much so I would text her to say I was here when she wanted, that I missed her etc. Our children would still skype after that but that's stopped too. I don't want to force myself on her and I also gave birth a few weeks ago. Still, part of why I came on here is to see if I should call?

Since we last spoke my brother was forced out of his business. My understanding is that she wanted half his partnership and wouldn't take a buyout and the other partners weren't open to that and forced him out when she wouldn't agree to a different settlement. I don't really know since I haven't spoken to my brother since this all happened and I haven't spoken to my SIL in a few months. And now my newest understanding is he cannot take his son overnight until the divorce is finalized (which could be awhile) which means he can't visit us and if we visit my family it's up to SIL whether we can go to her house and see her / my nephew. It will be awhile anyway since we're on opposite sides of the country and we have a newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and his wife are in a drawn out divorce battle. The rumor mill via my family is that she is racking up charges on credit cards and exhausting their savings. At this point my brother told my parents he's having trouble covering work expenses like renting his office. I feel so sad for their child - she has spent more this year (supposedly) than it would take to pay for college. I'm obviously not privy to what's going on, so I'm skeptical, but it makes me feel nervous and upset. If this is actually happening wouldn't a judge put a stop to it?

I'm very skeptical about this. His business finances should be structured so that he takes his draw and pays his expenses wholly independent of what she puts on credit cards. If he's having trouble keeping his business afloat, that's on him, not her. It sounds to me like he's having his own financial troubles and is making up a story to try to get your parents to give him money.

[Anonymous]

FYI, pp, IKEA isn't "quality" furniture.

[Anonymous]

Child support is calculated based partly on spending before the divorce so many women do this to increase their benefit. I did it myself, getting a nicer condo than I probably would have done because I knew the court would consider current rent. He ended up with a much better lifestyle than me. I'm not sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex-BIL did this. Blew through all the college funds in a year. My sister had to start from scratch.

Your brother should talk to his lawyer.

I would totally do this. I mean its pretty smart before you get to the end of the divorce proceedings and some harpy tries to make you sign an agreement providing for child support until the kid leaves college. Somethings are just BS.

God, I know! I don't even know why there's a statutory requirement for you to support your own children. Jesus, once you divorce their other parent, they should just take your name off the birth certificate and the taxpayers can pick up the tab for a while. You put in your time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My understanding is my brother didn't take any furniture. I think he rented a furnished apartment but I don't really know his living situation. I actually sort of get her impulse to redecorate since it's the stuff they shared (and a lot was inherited from my relatives) but I still feel really sad about the waist. Apart from concern for my brother and nephew I also assume this will indirectly impact my finances - if my parents feel compelled to help my brother (and I'm sure they do) there's less, for instance, to help with gifts toward our own college savings etc. That's not a main concern at all, but I do think that's in the back of my mind.

When his erratic behavior and threats required my ex move out, he initially didn't remove furnishings he owned from before marriage. However, I knew he would get them in the divorce and I replaced them before he claimed his stuff so here wouldn't be a night my kids and I didn't what we needed. Solid wood. Not IKEA. It was not an issue for the judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My understanding is my brother didn't take any furniture. I think he rented a furnished apartment but I don't really know his living situation. I actually sort of get her impulse to redecorate since it's the stuff they shared (and a lot was inherited from my relatives) but I still feel really sad about the waist. Apart from concern for my brother and nephew I also assume this will indirectly impact my finances - if my parents feel compelled to help my brother (and I'm sure they do) there's less, for instance, to help with gifts toward our own college savings etc. That's not a main concern at all, but I do think that's in the back of my mind.

When his erratic behavior and threats required my ex move out, he initially didn't remove furnishings he owned from before marriage. However, I knew he would get them in the divorce and I replaced them before he claimed his stuff so here wouldn't be a night my kids and I didn't what we needed. Solid wood. Not IKEA. It was not an issue for the judge.

Your case sounds absolutely NOTHING like this one.

Your ex was forced from your home due to his threats & threatening/erratic behavior, of course a judge is going to sympathize with you, duh.

She also said that her SIL is spending extravagantly on non essential items. A judge is definitely going to take issue with reckless spending in an irresponsible way, especially when it's to the tune of emptying out their children's college funds to pay for her spa dates & over priced nonsense.

You're ridiculous if you think buying your "solid wood" furniture (lol) even compares to the frivolous spending in this case.

There's always one who just has to make everything about themselves though.

[Anonymous]

When going through a divorce ex said he was paying me too much support. He told me this afer friends informed him I went to the salon for a cut and style Ex felt he shouldn't have to pay any support, for myself or even our children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My understanding is my brother didn't take any furniture. I think he rented a furnished apartment but I don't really know his living situation. I actually sort of get her impulse to redecorate since it's the stuff they shared (and a lot was inherited from my relatives) but I still feel really sad about the waist. Apart from concern for my brother and nephew I also assume this will indirectly impact my finances - if my parents feel compelled to help my brother (and I'm sure they do) there's less, for instance, to help with gifts toward our own college savings etc. That's not a main concern at all, but I do think that's in the back of my mind.

When his erratic behavior and threats required my ex move out, he initially didn't remove furnishings he owned from before marriage. However, I knew he would get them in the divorce and I replaced them before he claimed his stuff so here wouldn't be a night my kids and I didn't what we needed. Solid wood. Not IKEA. It was not an issue for the judge.

Your case sounds absolutely NOTHING like this one.

Your ex was forced from your home due to his threats & threatening/erratic behavior, of course a judge is going to sympathize with you, duh.

She also said that her SIL is spending extravagantly on non essential items. A judge is definitely going to take issue with reckless spending in an irresponsible way, especially when it's to the tune of emptying out their children's college funds to pay for her spa dates & over priced nonsense.

You're ridiculous if you think buying your "solid wood" furniture (lol) even compares to the frivolous spending in this case.

There's always one who just has to make everything about themselves though.

Written in response to the person who implied that only furniture already removed was acceptable to replace and that it should be IKEA type.