Missing my SIL...maybe?

[Anonymous]

My brother dated my SIL for 5 years and they have been married for 10. He had an affair and they are now divorcing. I haven't spoken to either of them (have texted with both) but it sounds like things are pretty nasty. My brother behaved poorly, but now she is too (spending all their savings a lot of which was an inheritance my brother brought to the marriage; causing him to lose his business by going after his share; limiting my family's access to their child...). It's all just really sad.

I have a newborn who I feel won't know her aunt and will have limited access to her cousin. I also used to talk with SIL about so many things. She just unfriended me on Facebook so clearly is distancing herself.

I want to reach out but think that's probably selfish. Also I'm mad at both of them and know being mad at her is unproductive. Do I just accept she's not really in my life anymore and my DD won't have a relationship with her aunt and cousin? I don't even know what I want by reaching out ... mostly I'm curious what SIL wants / why she's cut all of us off but I doubt I could ask in a neutral way and doubt she'd tell me if she took my call. Will time heal wounds or is she out of my life?

[Anonymous]

Well, she's not really your child's aunt so I wouldn't worry about that.

[Anonymous]

Your ex SIL won't be your child's aunt. Move on.

[Anonymous]

OP here. i have an older (4 year old) DD too, so I guess she's losing an aunt and I'm losing a friend? I'm sad the cousins won't really be able to get together ...I remain close to my cousins as an adult. So in a divorce the whole family has to split up? For what it's worth I really considered her like a sister and felt closer to her than some of my blood relatives.

[Anonymous]

Why won't you daughter be able to see her cousin? Maybe not through your SIL but certainly your brother will have some custody of your niece or nephew? Why can't they get together through him?

[Anonymous]

If she is such a good friend and you talked all the time, why had you only texted?

I think your inact ion made it clear you didn't intend to remain friends, so she is washing her hands of you.

As for your brothers business, most likely, if he built it up during their time together, it is half hers by law. So he can choose how best to buy her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. i have an older (4 year old) DD too, so I guess she's losing an aunt and I'm losing a friend? I'm sad the cousins won't really be able to get together ...I remain close to my cousins as an adult. So in a divorce the whole family has to split up? For what it's worth I really considered her like a sister and felt closer to her than some of my blood relatives.

You considered her like a sister? Then where were you when the affair became public and she was sad. A sister would have called, not just texted.

[Anonymous]

If I knew my soon to be ex in-laws felt that

I was spending all of our joint savings,
I was causing soon to be ex to lose his business by claiming the half I was entitled to,
I wasn't allowing them access to my child, who they can see during ex's time

I would have no contact with them as they are not supportive of the position I am in. I am not going to give ammo to my ex directly or through his family.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I called her / spoke to her quite a bit when this all first happened (this fall). Then she stopped taking my calls as much so I would text her to say I was here when she wanted, that I missed her etc. Our children would still skype after that but that's stopped too. I don't want to force myself on her and I also gave birth a few weeks ago. Still, part of why I came on here is to see if I should call?

Since we last spoke my brother was forced out of his business. My understanding is that she wanted half his partnership and wouldn't take a buyout and the other partners weren't open to that and forced him out when she wouldn't agree to a different settlement. I don't really know since I haven't spoken to my brother since this all happened and I haven't spoken to my SIL in a few months. And now my newest understanding is he cannot take his son overnight until the divorce is finalized (which could be awhile) which means he can't visit us and if we visit my family it's up to SIL whether we can go to her house and see her / my nephew. It will be awhile anyway since we're on opposite sides of the country and we have a newborn.

[Anonymous]

Op here again. Also, this is why I say "maybe" I miss her. I'm surprised how angry I've been at someone I loved for her own angry reaction. I worry about my nephew (now neither parent has a job) and feel like maybe distance is best while we all cool off, but I'd like to hear her side and also am sad to just lose a former relative without making every effort not to.

[Anonymous]

OP you just gave birth and your need for family is strong. Oxytocin is flowing freely.

Just give this situation some time; leave everyone alone until the dust settles. Right now you are likely to get caught in the cross-hairs and then you'll really have a hard time getting cousins together.

[Anonymous]

Why haven't you talked with your brother?
Give things time and then reach out gently to her. It may be too painful for her to be in touch with you.

[Anonymous]

Op here - my brother hasn't answered any of my calls or called me. I was sort of shocked when my baby was born that he texted me a few hours later saying "sorry I missed your call, what exciting news!" rather than calling. At first I thought maybe he was too ashamed or too sad or too busy with his next girlfriend. Now I wonder if my mother had influenced him (they live near each other and see each other a lot) because when my mom talked to me she was quite obsessed with "whose side I'm on" and got mad when I'd try to give SIL benefit of the doubt. I wonder if my mother had told him that I'm "on her side"? This is pure conjuncture on my part... no idea why he hasn't returned any calls. We aren't chatty usually, but it's been six months since we last had an actual conversation (he said merry Christmas from the background when I called my parents at Christmas).

[Anonymous]

Your whole family sounds like a hot mess, OP. Maybe you need to step back, let things settle down, and not discuss any of it with any of them. Be Switzerland.

[Anonymous]

OP - I think how you're feeling is natural and you're a good person to acknowledge it. However, it is probably best to stay out of it as best you can. Over time things may settle and you can have a relationship with her/your brother/etc. but for now it's probably best to keep it cordial but distanced.